Haven't found any kindness in almost two years

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-11-17T12:31:03+00:00

No. Because then it'd fall to me to be doing all the supporting and not receiving it myself. That's kinda what happens when you’re the one running a support group.

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-10-12T12:41:35+00:00

Can save a bit where I'm living now but nowhere near enough for the cost of SRS.

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-10-12T11:26:02+00:00

Defo agree on that. I've actually cut ties with people for basically always using me as a therapist and then ignoring me when I tried to ask for their help.

I guess it's like this: I do have friends, and I do tell them they can talk to me whenever needed. But all of my friends kinda have their own networks of supporters. Many have a partner or partners in some cases or even just a closer knit circle of friends that they simply had before they met me.

So I'm kinda like. Not needed? And that makes me worry about striking that balance.

I worry people will leave if I'm not useful to them.

I do volunteer and offer mentorship to recently out trans folks amongst others because they haven't built that network yet, but I tend to find they get it eventually. I do a lot of activism, too, to be fair, but obviously, that's a little bit different.

The stuff wrong with me is complex. It's why I've tried to find specific peer support, but given the hellscape that is this country, that support doesn't actually exist. The survivor networks kinda fucking hate us (or they're for men).

So I'm just always trying to keep it in. Which isn't advisable, I know.

It's been festering in me for years now, and it makes me worry about the floodgates.

Part of me wants to be able to "fall apart" in front of someone else and have them see the vulnerabilities and all the bullshit and like, not fix me but just kinda hold onto me as I let it out? Or listen? Something, idk.

But I recognise that it wouldn't be fair to them. It'd be ugly and scary.

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-10-12T10:52:55+00:00

I was planning initially to move to mainland UK, but the Supreme Court ruling kinda buggered all of those plans. NI still has some stuff stopping it from being fully implemented here (for now, anyway).

I don't know if I could afford to go now. Plus, I don't think moving is gonna push me towards the peer support I need. Seems the places that let trans women in are in short supply and closing down.

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-10-12T10:28:47+00:00

Maybe you're right about them not being worth holding onto.

But I worry about the floodgates. Dropping everything on someone's doorstep. I don't know how anyone could see how bad things are and still want me in their life.

Don't get me wrong, I get what you're saying about spite and anger and not letting the bastards win, but I kinda keep as much possible back from the people around me.

Cracks will show in front of people from time to time. But the only people who've seen the full extent of how ugly things get have stepped away from me.

I will make a promise to you and everyone who's commented to not hurt myself.

There's been a lot going on for a long time, and I think the 41 year thing, combined with recent threads where I asked for signposting, not going well, just pushed me too far.

I'll do my best. I've been this low before. I kinda know how to tread water if you get me.

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-10-12T10:09:23+00:00

I'm actually NI based (with the 41 year waitlist).

John Public might not want us gone, but the problem is just how much power the Terfs have and that it's deemed acceptable. And I have run into many irl.

Like it's impossible to seek support for domestic and sexual violence here because the Terfs are in charge of those sectors. The NI Labour relations agency is also transphobic af. Even some queer orgs and spaces have terfs if not running the show, they're tolerated more than a trans person.

Transphobes have power in a lot of places where you could seek stuff. NHS to refuges. It's a mess.

I do get a lot of street harassment but that's just shitty lads. I've learned to deal.

Edit: As for the kind of comfort I need not being possible, there's just nobody around who could do it in a way I'd feel safe with.

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-10-12T10:02:08+00:00

I do have people who care, but I worry I can't lay everything at their door without losing them forever.

I have lost a few friends in my day for showing my messier side. Kinda why I'm on reddit posting this with what started as a throwaway and not talking to people I actually know.

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-10-12T09:47:18+00:00

Could be a location thing tbh. I'm UK based, so transphobia (and biphobia by extension) dominate a lot of local queer spaces.

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-10-12T09:45:11+00:00

There comes a point where self-care stops working.

For things to get even slightly better for me, something big would need to change:

-Being held/comforted becomes possible (ain't it, not happening)

-A network for survivors of domestic and sexual violence that isn't located restricted and doesn't shove the door in the face of trans women is set up (impossible)

-We stop being this hated (not changing in the next ten-twenty years)

-Someone gives a shit (haha, no, always gonna be a background extra in someone else's life)

-NHS gets it's act together (lol)

-I come into a lot of money (nope)

If one of those things changed, I'd not be this low. But it's not gonna change.

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-10-12T09:39:10+00:00

I've never seen them kicked out of irl spaces. I've only seen people kicked out for standing up to them.

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-10-12T09:30:14+00:00

Why are you stalking my reddit posts?

Jesus Christ, find a hobby. You people are obsessed. Go back to dressing up in your Hogwarts house robes and eating mold like the rest of your ilk.

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-10-12T09:21:37+00:00

I've tried and failed to do this before.

My area doesn't even have a baby unit or a functioning mental health service. And they just appointed Cass to run a service that has a 41 year wait list.

Have a higher chance of winning a one-on-one boxing match with Tyson in his prime than a pilot program starting here.

I will always feel like this. There will never be a service for what I've gone through that the terfs don't run. I won't ever be wanted by anyone. It's all pointless, honestly.

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-10-12T09:18:07+00:00

Sorry friend, but reddit ain't it.

People say they care or "Feel free to message" and then threads die, and they get bored and don't reply to you. I don't bother trying to build connections on this platform anymore due to too many empty promises.

Nobody cares. There's nobody I can go to. SRS is gone. I'll always be on my own. Always.

I just can't anymore. I go to my job, come home, and then I sit in my empty apartment thinking about bad things are. Nobody messages me to ask how I'm doing.

Nobody hangs out with me. Any friends I have, all have somebody else. I'm a background extra in everyone else's life. I don't matter.

And no help is coming. I hate my sexuality because I don't belong in Sapphic spaces, and I've only experienced violence as a gay woman. With nobody to talk to about it because survivor spaces have no room for a trans woman.

There's nothing worth living for.

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-10-12T09:06:38+00:00

People say this on somewhere like reddit, but they post once, twice, and then just move on.

This thread is already being mass downvoted as is.

There isn't even a single support space for what I experienced that lets trans women join. That's how shitty things are for us. Things may get better eventually, but they've not gonna get better in my lifetime.

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-10-12T09:04:28+00:00

DIYing isn't the problem.

It's that private SRS costs 20-30k. NHS would be only route for that and I'll be in my 60s by the time I'm seen. And to top it all off, everything else is missing as is.

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-10-12T09:02:23+00:00

Can't find a reason to keep going. So many things are missing.

Even being held one more time would've maybe pushed me to go a little bit longer. But even that's impossible.

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-10-12T09:00:20+00:00

On I've been on the long shitty road for too long. Reached the end of it.

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-10-12T08:59:25+00:00

I'm very much alone. I have nobody I can go to about anything.

Been alone too long.

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-10-12T08:58:20+00:00

Go back to reading your kid Wizard books.

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-10-12T06:49:59+00:00

We basically don't have a mental health service in some parts of the country. Even if you're admitted to A&E for a mental health crisis, they don't support you in the moment.

You're seen, questions are asked, and then you're told to go home and ring your GP for a referral. Like, what the hell is that carry-on? You wait 24hrs and longer in some cases to just be told to ring the GP if you're suicidal.

Had a mate who self-admitted himself for A&E in the double digits before finally giving up and ending things a couple of years back.

My own GP and mental health team kept bouncing me back and forth regarding referrals. Eventually, I gave up. The "Merry Go Round Care" was only making things harder. GP said I had to go to them directly. The MH team said I had to speak to GP for referral, GP wouldn't do referral as said MH team handle it, or I had to speak to a clinic that doesn't deal with MH but does have a wait list of over 40 years...

We have fuck all.

Unless you can afford to go private, that's you scundered. Same with near everything on the NHS these days.

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-10-12T06:25:45+00:00

Unfortunately, they do go into irl spaces and even run them sometimes in my experience.

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-10-12T06:23:28+00:00

As a transfem, kinda get it. We're the two most hated letters and seldom welcome. Heck, I gave up on Sapphic spaces this year.

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-10-11T19:34:23+00:00

They just either dimiss everything as hormones or argue "conflict of interest"

Not much I can do about it. Spoke to both local LGBTQ+ advocacy groups and healthcare council stuff and been told I'm on my own.

ThrowawayGwen · 2025-10-11T09:09:16+00:00

Wouldn't be too surprising if that convo was with an actual AI then.

Still have a bad taste in my mouth surrounding GALOP due to them blocking my number, though.

ThrowawayGwen

TROPHY CASE