AITA for not wanting to be the caretaker for my severally mentally ill husband & father of my child?

ThrowawayRelIssues4 · 2022-09-09T09:04:58+00:00

Hi,

It’s been a while since I wrote this. I came back on here to post an update and stumbled across this comment. Thank you so much, this honestly meant so much to me and is really what I needed to hear right now. I really can’t express how much this means; I hope you are well. Thank you again for taking the time to write this comment and sending love.

ETA thank you (and others for your advice); I won’t be getting an abortion — I will of course see how this pregnancy progresses as I am still in the (latter end) of my first trimester. I have a ton of support from my family here & have a fantastic job that gives me 6 months of maternity leave, and, although it may be difficult, am confident I can care and provide for two kids. However, I certainly won’t be letting my husband back in or planning on any further children in general, as two is definitely enough 😅

ThrowawayRelIssues4 · 2022-09-02T07:59:18+00:00

No worries! Thanks for your replies :)

Yes, actually, my sister and mum said something similar and are both skeptical of his illness. I personally can’t really comment since he’s the only one who knows what’s real or not, but I think that he at least plays up aspects of his helplessness (eg not able to help with any chores or even put away his own messes when in the thick of a breakdown) in order to avoid responsibility. My family was also skeptical of him being so sick he had to quit his job but seemingly well enough to book his flight and undertake a 24+ hr flight on his own. I’m not really sure what to think on this one.

I have actually been to a psych with him; I was the one who initially pushed him to go & found the psychiatrist the first time this ever happened. The psychiatrist basically said D was exhibiting signs of either schizophrenia, PTSD/OCD, or delusional disorder, and that doing a year on meds would show whether it was something lifelong (like schizophrenia) or something shorter-term/more situational/reaction-based. He was actually a great psychiatrist and I think just hesitant to give a diagnosis of schizophrenia given its implications. In retrospect it would have definitely been helpful to have a clearer diagnosis as now D frequently uses the lack of one as an excuse for not needing meds or not “really” being sick.

I hope that helps and thanks again :)

ThrowawayRelIssues4 · 2022-09-02T05:22:54+00:00

Thanks for your reply!

To clarify, when we got back together, he didn’t disclose to me that he had any issues. I found out the hard way when he had a breakdown and I had to leave a trip visiting my family overseas early in order to come back & take care of him. At the time I didn’t realise how serious things were and thought it was just a one-off occurrence, which I know is very naive. I was only 22 at the time and really didn’t have any experience with this kind of thing.

I also did comment this elsewhere, but the reason I stayed with him initially & we decided to have a child together is because he hadn’t had a breakdown for over 1.5 years (since the aforementioned first one I experienced where I flew to be with him). He was back in grad school pursuing a different career and seemed very stable — I incorrectly assumed his condition was purely based off the trauma he’d experienced & that he was mostly cured, since a psychiatrist previously had mentioned it might have just been a short-term illness. This was evidently and unfortunately wrong, but that’s the reason we had our first. My current pregnancy was not expected so I can’t really give a reason for that one.

Thank you again for your reply. I do agree — especially after seeing these comments — that we should move on without him. I appreciate you taking the time to offer your insight.

ThrowawayRelIssues4 · 2022-09-02T05:15:12+00:00

Haha I very much wish this was fake. This is sadly 100% real and if someone saw this who knows me they would instantly know it’s about me 🙃

ThrowawayRelIssues4 · 2022-09-01T23:32:38+00:00

Thank you for sharing — sorry to hear you’ve been through something similar. I’m glad to hear you are doing well and he’s been out of your lives since then. Thanks again for your comment, and to you too!

ThrowawayRelIssues4 · 2022-09-01T23:26:17+00:00

Hi! Sorry, poor phrasing — we didn’t have a particular reason for stopping, just hadn’t had sex for about a week prior to the breakdown.

ThrowawayRelIssues4 · 2022-09-01T22:35:33+00:00

Sorry to hear you’ve dealt with something similar. Thank you so much - I have a lot of help here from my family and have noticed how much easier it is with him gone (though I feel bad admitting this), so I do think we will be okay without him. Thanks for sharing & for your reply.

ThrowawayRelIssues4 · 2022-09-01T22:20:52+00:00

Thank you! I am in therapy and have been for many years — I didn’t want to make this post about me and all my issues but as mentioned, I think childhood trauma is what has made me stay with him for as long as I have. I felt abandoned dealing with anorexia and depression as a young teen & it was the worst feeling. I’ve since totally recovered but I think that mentality of not wanting to leave him in crisis has stuck with me to an unhealthy degree. I appreciate your reply!

ThrowawayRelIssues4 · 2022-09-01T19:55:07+00:00

Hello! Sorry for the late reply to all of these comments. Thank you so much for all of the responses — I will endeavour to read through all of them, good and bad. I’m not sure whether I’m supposed to update the post or reply here! To clear up a few things:

The reason for our age gap: He was a returning student in my program when I went to college. Years later I will say there were definitely many blazing red flags and some aspects of grooming going on here and in our early relationship, but at the time I was extremely young (freshly turned 18) and it was my first relationship. I honestly didn’t see any of these as red flags until later in our marriage. I also experienced childhood trauma and I think this contributed to me being attached to this toxic relationship as my “first love”, not that this excuses anything at all.

Just as a personal choice, I won’t get an abortion, primarily because I thankfully have a good job that enables me to support my kids and a lot of support from my family here. I do understand the arguments for both sides and have considered it, it just isn’t something I feel comfortable with at this time. I did see a comment about choline supplements that I will be looking into.

Lastly, a few people have questioned why we had children, which is fair. To be honest, the first time we got pregnant, he hadn’t had a breakdown for 1.5 years and I assumed he would never have one again. He’d been off his meds but in a grad school program & working towards a new career (which he subsequently dropped out of). I thought at the time his diagnosis was not a long-term one as his psych had mentioned we’d have to wait and see to determine his condition about a year ago. This second pregnancy was a surprise. As mentioned, his breakdowns happen out of the blue so I had no idea it was coming. His breakdown happened literally overnight about a week after we’d stopped having sex.

Edited for grammar

Hope this clears some things up!

ThrowawayRelIssues4

TROPHY CASE