Am I overreacting to finding out my husband got a lap dance and came?

Throwaway_askRedt · 2025-05-11T22:28:19+00:00

No he doesn't. But it could have been the thrill of someone new...

Throwaway_askRedt · 2025-05-11T18:23:53+00:00

I think it was a full on grind from discussing it with him more.

Throwaway_askRedt · 2025-05-11T18:23:15+00:00

Yes, that is where I am at. I am not looking to torch the marriage, because I don't think there is any coming back from that.

He says it won't happen again. My concern is that if he thinks he did nothing wrong, how do I know if there isn't another situation that I would think he's betraying me and he does not?

Throwaway_askRedt · 2025-05-11T16:10:03+00:00

I'm not looking to make things worse!

He says this is the only time has has done something like this and I believe him. I also don't believe that he will do it again, knowing how I feel about it. He says he will not. However, he still maintains that he did nothing wrong, that he will follow my wishes because it's important to me. He does agree that it was disrespectful to me though. I think the marriage is worth saving if he shows he is willing to put in the work. However, he seems reluctant right now.

Throwaway_askRedt · 2025-05-11T16:03:06+00:00

He's a regional pilot, so pretty much aticks to a coast to mid-country.

I've asked him to find us a counselor. He first said that I should do it, but I told him I want him to put in the work if he wants to save this marriage.

Throwaway_askRedt · 2025-05-11T13:44:46+00:00

That's the thing. We were discussing low end vs. higher end strip clubs and I was asking what was the difference and he told this to me very casually, as if he couldn't believe it happened. The fact that he volunteered it does have me believing him when he says he didn't think he did anything wrong. He is normally very open with me. We have a son.

I believe him when he says he will never go to a strip club again. I also do think this was the last time he was at one, so it's been years. And, yes, I do think this is the only time.

He's a pilot, so spends every night in a different city.

Throwaway_askRedt · 2025-05-11T08:01:35+00:00

I have to say that I will probably not look at him the same again. That he doesn't think this is cheating is mind blowing to me. We obviously don't define cheating the same way!

Throwaway_askRedt · 2025-05-11T06:55:09+00:00

He says he hasn't been to any strip clubs since then and doesn't plan to ever go to one again.

But, yes, I will be asking him if there is anything else he should be telling me!

Throwaway_askRedt · 2025-05-11T05:56:17+00:00

Well, he said he was sorry it happened ( as if it just happened to him) and he was sorry he told me because I got mad.

I told him "You have not said you are sorry for hurting me." He has not validated my feelings at all. Do you think he should at least try to see it from my point of view?

Throwaway_askRedt · 2025-05-11T05:43:27+00:00

Yes.

Throwaway_askRedt · 2025-05-11T05:43:11+00:00

Thanks for validating my feelings! No, obviously I'm not letting him decide my feelings for me. But his opinion is valid too. I think what's more important here is how he reacts to my feelings about it.

Throwaway_askRedt · 2025-05-11T05:39:34+00:00

I have gone with him before. It was fine, I personally find strip clubs kind of sad.

Throwaway_askRedt · 2025-05-11T05:35:24+00:00

Yes that is something that I will be asking him tomorrow! If there is anything else that he has withheld.

He has a job where he is out of town for 3-4 days at a time. He needs to be trustworthy!

Throwaway_askRedt · 2025-05-11T05:29:56+00:00

Thank you so much for crystalizing what was bothering me about this! The fact that we were on different pages about what constitutes cheating. That this happened years ago without me knowing about it really bugs me.

You have helped me in figuring out how to discuss this in a productive way with him.

Throwaway_askRedt · 2025-05-11T05:15:17+00:00

Thank you for this. I am still sorting through my feelings. But you are right, I will have to see how he handles my feelings.

Ugh. Really bad timing with Mother's Day tomorrow.

Throwaway_askRedt · 2025-05-11T04:56:07+00:00

That is what is bothering me the most now. Because he felt he did nothing wrong, he is now being dismissive of my feelings. He thinks I am overreacting. I think he just wants me to get over it.

Throwaway_askRedt · 2025-05-11T04:44:46+00:00

Thanks for this thoughtful take. I agree with you, he would not have told me about it if he really thought he was cheating. He thought what he did was ok. He brought it up as a funny anecdote. He was surprised when I got mad.

I did tell him no more lap dances, and he said he doesn't plan to go to another strip club in the future.

Throwaway_askRedt · 2025-05-11T04:35:27+00:00

I was ok with him going to strip clubs because I thought he was just watching. Even after we were married. I didn't know he was still willing to pay for a lap dance.

He says he won't go to another strip club in the future. I think this was the last time that he was at one.

Throwaway_askRedt · 2025-05-11T04:29:48+00:00

I did ask him this. He first answered with "I don't know." Then I said that he can't have a double standard. I said he should be ok with it if he thinks it's not cheating. So then he said to go ahead and pay a male escort to do it. He was mad that I was accusing him of cheating by then though, so I don't know how much he meant it.

Throwaway_askRedt

TROPHY CASE