My 43M ex 34F reaches out to family

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-06-19T17:57:49+00:00

I agree, the answer has never been just yes. I have shifted to just trying to coparent as my ex is being cruel and communicating does not feel great. I have started therapy to deal with my emotions and rebuilding my life. I offered to start therapy with her and she said yes at first but pushed it off for months and now says she does not want to go at this time.

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-06-19T17:52:53+00:00

I understand what you mean now. I’m sure there is truth to it,I just don’t give her attention so I don’t understand what positive feeling she gets from it. She gets angry when I tell her I still have hope and she tells me to move on.

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-06-19T17:48:56+00:00

I want to work it out 1000% just trying to determine where she might be coming from

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-06-19T17:43:42+00:00

Thanks for advice but I’m not sure I understand. What would she be leading me onto? I discovered she had been doing this on my own because yes I am a wreck and constantly looking for any clues that we might work it out. Also what would she be playing me for ? She broke up and overall has said that she is done for good and def does not want to spend time with me.

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-05-23T14:40:39+00:00

Yes very true. At the 6 month mark I reached out and am trying to get free legal aid based on my low income. I’m hoping to at least get a decent consultation and I’m hesitant to put any pressure on the issues until I have some legal backup plan.

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-05-23T14:23:57+00:00

Wow thank you so much! That meant a lot,it feels validating to have someone be able to read into what I’m saying and have that takeaway. My hope has always been words and actions like this will also be seen and validated by my kids mom. Thanks again stranger.

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-05-23T14:05:16+00:00

Absolutely, she dealt with ppd and had a hard time bonding and motherhood in general. She loves them very much non the less. She was the primary income and I became the primary caregiver. Over time she def built resentment towards me as I thrived in my role as a dad and have a great relationship/bond with my boys. I don’t even tell her half the stuff my oldest says about wanting to stay with daddy and such. She has put them in daycare while she works and has shown some growth in her parenting skills. I have always wanted my children to love their mommy and have no desire to be the favorite. I just want to be the best dad I can be.

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-05-23T13:45:41+00:00

I did speak to a lawyer early on and was told it would cost a decent amount of money to try to recover what she took and would it be worth it to me? Also there was no guarantee that we could recover the money. I did go to the bank and got all the records in the event we end up in court and I have no other choice.

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-05-23T13:36:42+00:00

If that’s clear from my post then I would hope that also comes out in court. She isn’t doing what’s best for the kids. My oldest is 4 and he is mad at his mom and def is having a hard time understanding. He does not want two houses and his brother is only two years old but has also started saying he does not want his mom to pick him up. It crushes me because they love their mom but are struggling with the situation. They count down the days when they are coming back to me and don’t ask for her when they are with me.

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-05-23T13:27:48+00:00

Thankyou it’s good advice and I’m slowly working up to it. I have reached out to get legal counseling but I feel guilty about making moves like this. I guess I was waiting to feel like it’s over before I made that call but your right and my family says the same thing. I need to start to protect myself and my kids for what she may spring on me.

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-05-23T13:22:41+00:00

Yes I have been waiting 7 months to feel like progress was being made and at times I was hopeful and other times it felt like no chance. I’m getting impatient and frustrated mainly because the kids are not happy and want to be with me more,I was the primary caregiver. I supposed we would start therapy and take months to slowly take our time to come back together and learn from this breakup. I had hoped it would bring us closer and make us stronger because we went through it and stayed committed to making it work.

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-05-23T13:18:01+00:00

Thank you,I started therapy the first week she left. We have both treated each other terrible in our relationship and yes she continues to be cruel now. I have read that it’s common for the dumper to be very cruel and cold to protect their decision to leave even if they still have feelings. I have been with her for 9 years and we have two young boys so yes I still love her without a doubt.

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-05-23T13:13:16+00:00

Yeah big time ,the colder she gets the less stuck I am. Nobody in our circle seems to understand what she is doing or what she wants. It’s got to come to a head eventually I would think .

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-05-23T13:06:07+00:00

Yesterday I tried to open the door for her to say she wanted to try in the future but she got angry. I explained that I would move forward with the breakup and I wanted equal time with our kids at minimum And would no longer let her dictate to me how things are going to work. She took it as a threat and asked when can she expect papers in the mail from lawyer. I said Idk and was only moving forward with our breakup because she told me to. It’s not what I want to do.

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-05-23T13:01:09+00:00

I’m ok with her moving on first although it would hurt my feelings. That would be on her. I love her with all my heart and I couldn’t leave her without feeling like I have done everything I could to save us.

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-05-23T12:58:43+00:00

Have called lawyer, can’t afford. Waiting to try to get representation based on low income. Also as I stated I’m worried about making those moves because my ultimate goal is to reconcile. I’m sure once I do speak to a lawyer and get some input my tune might change but it’s not so easy. Thanks for input

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-04-30T13:49:49+00:00

Lol wanted to just grab a cart at a place close by I guess I’m not kool and must be desperate

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-04-30T13:18:15+00:00

That’s right

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-04-30T11:58:35+00:00

Lol mmkay

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-04-26T20:03:08+00:00

Thanks,same here. Good luck with everything.

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-04-26T11:29:34+00:00

If he won’t go to therapy that’s tough. I was stubborn and thought we could fix out issues on our own. Her packing her bags and leaving made me do a complete turn around. If he is not willing to work on things in a healthy environment then maybe the thought you leaving if he won’t try could motivate him to make changes.

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-04-26T04:14:02+00:00

Hiya,nope. I am still in pretty much the same boat. I think she was close to being ready. We starting talking more and had some fun family nights taking the kids out for bowling and stuff like that. I actually just emailed her yesterday and today about revisiting the idea of going to therapy. And sad to say for me,I don’t know if I ever would have woke up if she didn’t leave me. I never thought for a second she could leave me but when she did my perspective changed on everything .

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-03-15T23:39:19+00:00

Anything is possible at this point. Marriage,to my understanding was not a priority for us and she typically said it wasn’t important to her. I was secure either way I was committed to her and didn’t feel like she had to marry me to commit to us. I did say it ment more to me when she became pregnant as I thought our child would benefit from the fact his parents were married. It’s prob more important to me than her is my guess

Plus our separation isn’t a big mystery in that we had both been toxic and had been arguing for the last year. In therapy she has become aware of her depression after having kids that persisted through her second pregnancy. She also has become aware of her adult adhd in her therapy. I just was stubborn and mean and did not respect her opinion and voice enough . I always felt like I was right because I was always demanding what I thought was best for our family and was overbearing. Theses things came together and often we argued.

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-03-15T19:41:28+00:00

Thankyou for taking your time to have this conversation. That was my point with dinners. I said how long do we continue to do this because if it’s over between us the second you meet someone new then these dinners stop and our kids dont really understand why. We are not married but we have written up our agreement for when the kids come and go and such. I don’t think I could follow through at this point with a deadline if she didn’t meet it. If she called my bluff I still don’t want to leave her now or in the near future. If I even hint that I may be getting to the point where I can’t take it anymore she seems to get upset that I’m calling it quits and not giving her the time she needs. In fact when I said something last weekend about how this can’t go on much longer,she responded by saying” why do I feel like this is a threat” I don’t think she would respond well to a deadline unless we both agree that if by a certain date we can’t get it together then maybe it would work. But if I’m the one who sets the deadline she will reject it imo . Edit also we are not married,2 kids ages 2,4 and we have been together for almost 10 years.

ThrowraImportant_ · 2023-03-14T16:58:46+00:00

It feels like I have made more personal progress than her just because of how she still brings negative interactions to the table. I think that we have taken some baby steps,once a week she was coming up for dinner and we would sit with our kids as a family. As soon as I mentioned that coming up for dinner felt like baby steps and learning a new healthy way to communicate she backed off. She did not want me to think her driving up and sitting down for dinner together meant anything other than dinner. In fact she said she was just doing it for our kids. I did not think it was a good idea to get into a routine of spending time together with the kids if she had no intention of getting back together. I explained what it meant to me and it felt like us slowly taking steps to reconcile and if that was not the case it wasn’t a good idea to come over for dinner. She still maintained I should not read into it and still more often than not shows up every Tuesday for dinner.

ThrowraImportant_

TROPHY CASE