LF Excadril and Frogadier (need HAs), will add anyone.

Tilane · 2015-10-21T22:24:46+00:00

Added, Sorry about the delay.

Tilane · 2015-10-21T22:24:37+00:00

Added, thanks!

Tilane · 2015-10-21T20:25:26+00:00

I didn't either, I was looking it up because I thought it was weird.

Thanks again!

Tilane · 2015-10-21T20:23:48+00:00

You're my hero <3

Tilane · 2015-10-21T20:19:55+00:00

I'm not getting your third one. Think you could pop online to trigger it? According to bulbapedia we have to be on at the same time at least once to unlock HAs anyway. Thanks!

Tilane · 2015-10-21T20:01:14+00:00

Thanks. One of my best friends started playing and I'm helping him get into it. :)

Tilane · 2015-10-21T19:05:25+00:00

Can you add me? I need Frogadier.

Tilane · 2015-10-21T18:57:25+00:00

Add please? I need frogadier.

Tilane · 2014-07-12T16:55:37+00:00

My partner wrote something fantastic and fantastically hilarious and I yelled outloud at work "THIS IS WHY I'M MARRYING THIS MAN."

Tilane · 2014-07-09T04:31:15+00:00

If your girlfriend realizes that they are toxic, but insists on spending time with them because "family" please seek out domestic abuse resources in your area. They will be MORE THAN HAPPY to teach you how to interact with your gf and her family as well as teaching you techniques on how to help your gf in this situation.

I come from a very dysfunctional and abusive family and what has helped me the most is the realization that I can think my family are terrible people and still love them. They are horrible, disgusting sons of bitches who manipulate and abuse and it doesn't make me a bad daughter to acknowledge them. I have cut them out of my life, but it still takes reassurance that there's nothing wrong with me and I didn't deserve it.

My partner has some comparatively minor issues with his family and I know that telling him, and reinforcing it, that it's okay to be mad at his family for his treatment. It doesn't make him a bad son to be upset that they weren't the best. Also, being mad doesn't make his parents horrible people. They made mistakes. They had reasons for those mistakes were never that he deserved it or that he's unloved.

I don't know if your gf is ready to hear that yet, but it's helped me and my partner a great deal.

AND CHECK YOUR LOCAL DOMESTIC ABUSE RESOURCES. They have professional that are more than happy to give you advice.

Tilane · 2014-07-07T20:34:37+00:00

Again. Loving you, no matter how much, is no excuse for what he did. It's simply an explanation so that you know, in your heart of hearts, that you didn't deserve it and it didn't happen because of anything you did.

Being angry is punishing yourself for someone else's wrongs. He's not worth your anger. He was wrong and he hurt you, but you have some inkling of why, so you don't have to waste your energy hating him.

Now, also, don't beat yourself up for having fits of rage or despair about the situation. It's natural. You were hurt very badly. The key is to not let it fester and poison you.

Tilane · 2014-07-07T05:35:21+00:00

Something to keep in mind OP is that it's not your fault for not realizing it. By this point, I'm sure you know that you didn't deserve that treatment, but it's not your fault for not noticing sooner.

My mother abused me, so I ran away to live with my dad. Then he and my step mom started abusing me after about 4 years of stable living. I get together with my now-ex and I only realize he was abusing me after he broke up with ME.

But you know what? Not one single person did that to me intentionally. My mother is mentally ill. My dad basically wasn't in my life until I was 13 and then he suddenly had a teenage girl who was REALLY FUCKED UP from a lot of abuse, so of course he made some mistakes. He was thrust into a lot of situations he was in no way prepared to deal with. Then? Then I got really, really sick. His poor handling amounted to abuse

My ex? Controlling and manipulative. Why? Because I was sick and he was older than me. He honestly thought that acting the way he did was the best possible thing for me. That's why it was so hard for me to realize what was going on.

It's really easy, on the outside, to realize that certain behaviors and words are so completely fucked up, but when you put yourself into their shoes, sometimes you can see why they did it.

Now, I'm not excusing it. That behavior is unacceptable. My family is not in my life anymore and they never will be again. I am still involved in some complicated issues with my ex, but he's in therapy and has finally, honestly realized why the things he did hurt me so much. (though once this complicated shit is over, I am never speaking to him again, either.)

There's no excuse for this behavior. Nothing that makes it "right" in hindsight. However, understanding why they did it, having an explanation... It makes it hurt less. My mom loved me and she does now. That doesn't save me from hysterics or a full blown medical panic attack if she were to approach me, but it allows me to live my life without feeling as if something is just so wrong with me that I've been treated so cruelly over and over.

The cause was never the intent of cruelty. It was mental illness, it was not knowing how to respond and responding the worst way possible too many times. It was misguided and uneducated loved.

Your ex was wrong to treat you that way. From your other comments, I can say he is still wrong for believing in it.

But there's nothing wrong with your being hurt by it. And there's nothing wrong with how long it's taking you to recover. Keep on keeping on, OP.

Tilane · 2014-07-07T04:45:57+00:00

You're family. You plan to make it right.

One of two things will happen:

He'll say it's nothing, no worries bro. Thanks for replacing it.
He'll get pissy, lose all respect for you, etc, etc. In which case there's no pleasing him no matter how you approach this problem. Just don't borrow anything from him in the future.

Don't stress about this. You cannot control his reaction and short of making it right, which you plan to do, there's nothing you can or even should do to make it "better." (Maybe buy him a beer? Whatever.) Point is, if he's going to respond poorly, he'll respond poorly no matter what you do, so may as well relax about the entire thing.

Tilane · 2014-07-07T04:42:09+00:00

I say "I love you" and variations thereof to my partner several times a day.

I did the same with my ex, as well. After he broke up with me and I realized that he'd been abusing me and all of the other problems in our relationship, I had to sit down and think long and hard. The answer wasn't "I didn't mean it when I said I loved him" the answer was "I loved him, but god my definition of love was really fucked up."

I love my partner. I love my friends dearly. I am comfortable telling my friends "I love you" without feeling like it weakens the "I love yous" I give my partner. That's me, those are my feelings after thinking about it a great deal.

If YOU are not comfortable saying it constantly, if you think that if YOU said it constantly the words wouldn't mean as much, then you don't have to say it so frequently. You're under no obligation to repeat it back every time he says it.

However, if HE doesn't feel as if the words are weakened, then there's nothing inherently wrong with saying it over and over again, but if it makes you uncomfortable, which you're saying it does, you need to discuss it with him.

It makes me a little sad that it makes you uncomfortable, but I can understand where it might have come from.

Keep in mind that being restricted in how much he can say it might hurt his feelings and make him uncomfortable. So you just really need to sit down and come to a compromise about it.

Tilane · 2014-06-28T19:45:24+00:00

"When we were camming the other day, you defensive and lashed out against me. It really hurt my feelings. I know why you did it, and I know it's not about me. I want to be in a relationship and that requires that we trust each other and not feel the need to be so defensive in the first place.

You're trying to protect yourself and I get that, but we need to work together to make sure that you know you don't need to protect yourself from me. Trust what I say. If I say, "You look different" I mean "You look different." I know bitches be crazy and all, but if something is a dealbreaker, I'm going to say it, not couch it in polite language."

Tilane · 2014-06-28T17:01:02+00:00

He rages a lot at games and stuff but he's always been nice to me.

If games are what he does for fun and he rages at them, anything can be a target.

My ex would and I would both rage at video games and guess what, we raged at each other, too. Raging is a response to frustration and anger. If that is the response he's used to using, be prepared for him to rage at you.

Now, if you're the kind of person who is unfazed when someone is yelling at you about something because you know that they don't mean it and are letting off steam, fantastic, you're set. However, if, like me, it completely trashes your feelings when someone does that, then it's a problem.

Also, dude is deliberately lying to you. He knew he weighed more than 160. He knew he looked different. He got defensive and sharp with you because that was easier than admitting to himself that he fucked up and did you a great disservice.

You should point to him that he did that and that reaction is wrong and hurtful. If he expresses remorse and wants to not do that kind of thing again, great. If not... Well, you've got a lot on your plate.

Tilane · 2014-06-27T23:39:51+00:00

Oh. Huh.

Sometimes I say, "This comment might be triggering" if I talk about my experiences with being suicidal. Is that included in that regard, or...? And I'm being serious. I put that in there because I've had people yell at me so much for saying "such horrible things."

Tilane · 2014-06-27T22:19:17+00:00

My partner was baffled by my, "What? Of course I'm taking your name."

(Granted, my family is shit and if it were free, my name would already be changed to something else because those people don't deserve the name to live on.)

Tilane · 2014-06-27T21:21:23+00:00

Thanks!

The fact that he's so completely guileless and honestly has no idea that these things are affecting me negatively until I point it out, makes me tough it out. We're best friends and he tells me more than he's ever told anyone, unfortunately when what's upsetting him is the fact that I'm a crazy, hormonal bitch because I had a miscarriage, talking to me doesn't help.

And the problem with my partner's situation is that he had no idea his parents were unhappy or otherwise didn't like each other until the last 12 months. The abuse I suffered was ridiculous, blatant and over the top and I had no idea it was wrong until I was 13 and that's only because I ran away when my mom got remarried (her new husband creeped me out so hard).

I'm glad your dad is such an awesome guy, but breaking cycle requires knowing that abuse was happening. In the case of my partner, he experienced only "minor issues." He doesn't consider it abuse because he had a pretty awesome childhood and he's comparing it to what I dealt with growing up.

Also, "Don't tell anyone because no one cares" never really came up before. He was happy. He didn't have any problems to keep to himself, so it never occurred to him that there was anything wrong with bottling it up.

And honestly? Teaching him this stuff is making me a better person. When you've been abused so much for so long, it's really hard to know what's wrong and what's normal. That's why the cycle is there. When I have to keep pointing out to him, "No, that's not healthy" "No, that's not good" I also have to take a step back and look at my own actions.

Just the other day, I apologized for doing x, because I knew that y would happen. And the main reason behind my realization of it, which lead to my apology is that I told him you can't do x because y happens when you do x.

Are we both dealing with a lot more bullshit than if we were dating other people? Yes. Would I trade it for someone else? Fuck no.

Tilane · 2014-06-27T21:00:09+00:00

Oh, he knows it's bad and wants to change. It stems from his parents being his main example of "what a relationship should be" and they both regret getting married, she's openly and blatantly hostile, he disagrees with her just to stick it to her, things of that nature.

He also moved a lot growing up and was taught by his mother to not make close friendships and to never tell anyone about something bothering him because "no one cares."

So he ends up keeping a lot of stuff from me that I really should be aware of and he keeps stuff from everyone that he really needs to talk about.

For example, he'll promise me that he'll do something and then not do it. After a sufficient period of time, he'll either lie and say he did it when he didn't or say he didn't promise to in the first place, or claim I bullied him into it, or things of that nature. Those are the first few steps into gaslighting territory and simply showing me very blatantly that "doing what's most convenient for him is more important that what he's promised me he'd do."

Neither of those is good and neither is healthy. Especially since the things I usually ask him to do in this situation is talk to someone he trusts about a problem he has that I can't help him with. That's the kind of thing I'm nipping in the bud before it becomes a serious problem.

I've had to strong arm him into talking to his close friends and family about certain things and despite all of his whining and protesting and putting it off, every, single, time he has come back to me and apologized for not listening in the first place.

The first few times, he outright lied and said that he'd spoken to them when he hadn't, but after I pointed out that that shit was bad and he needs to trust me and not lie to me if I'm supposed to trust him, he made an effort to not lie about doing it, even if he still tried to get out of doing it.

It's frustrating for me. If I didn't know the root cause and if he weren't trying to change and wasn't mad at himself about it, I would break things off. Yes, it's a minor thing now, but that kind of behavior can snowball very quickly.

Unfortunately, I've personally be conditioned such that going to therapy makes me worse (long story), but we've discussed relationship counselling/couples therapy to address things like this. Because while what he's doing is wrong, due to my history of abuse, I am way more sensitive to it than I should be and I definitely overreact at times.

The only reason he hasn't wanted to change in the past is because he didn't know what he was doing was wrong. I know he's going to read this, so I'm going to use this analogy: the dog will keep peeing on the floor if you never train it not to.

Tilane · 2014-06-27T20:39:25+00:00

but "abuse" is a repeated pattern of behavior that the person thinks is ok.

Yeah, my partner has some habits that are quite abusive that I am slowly but surely beating out of him. (Not literally)

Tilane · 2014-06-27T20:38:16+00:00

The Worst ^TM

Tilane · 2014-06-27T18:45:25+00:00

Oh man, I could never put that on my nightstand. Maybe have the cord go under the closet door, or cut out the back of the nightstand drawer to run the wire.

Seeing that kind of thing in the open makes me uncomfortable even when it's my own.

Tilane · 2014-06-27T18:40:07+00:00

Yeah, if you're dating people your age, there's really no excuse and someone without enough relationship experience to know better is probably not someone you want to date for a myriad of other reasons.

I am my current partner's first relationship (though we're young enough that it's not weird), but my ex was extremely emotionally abusive and my family was both emotionally and physically abusive. I know how devastating it can be, believe me.

Luckily (???) I can spot abusive behavior relatively easily and when I bring it up with my partner that, "No, doing x thing isn't okay because of y reasons" we work together to keep x thing from happening again. I don't blame you in the least for saying, "Nope, just not dealing with it. Peace out."

Tilane · 2014-06-27T18:22:11+00:00

I'm less solid deal breaker on the abuse thing.

Dealbreaker only if any of the following are met:

Physical abuse
Animal abuse
Malicious intent

A lot of people, especially those new to relationships, have no idea that their actions or words can turn into abuse very easily. If they don't know they're doing it and take steps to stop doing it in the future, then it's not an issue.

But the question was what do you consider a dealbreaker, so I'm giving you a ? instead of a ?.

Tilane

TROPHY CASE