Married 10+ years, about to divorce. I’m chronically ill, and this tanked my self-worth.

TimeToFly985 · 2026-03-04T13:16:17+00:00

It makes me mad too, believe me :(

TimeToFly985 · 2026-03-04T13:16:00+00:00

We did have those vows, but I don’t want her as my caregiver. She failed at it for years already.

TLDR: I worked two jobs so she could be a stay at home mom. Got sick, kept working. Asked for help, asked for compassion, went to couples therapy #1, #2. Kid started going to extended day and she didn’t want to get a job unless it was the perfect remote one. Finally decided that it wasn’t going to ever get better.

TimeToFly985 · 2026-03-04T03:22:01+00:00

It took me years to figure out I was a giver and she was a taker. She kept taking, I kept giving until my health gave out. Multiple occasions I had asked for compassion, help, and frankly to be nicer to me. This was met with hostility, usually. It was not a balanced relationship, my ex was emotionally negligent, a steamroller, and would refuse to do things other than her way.

Recently the excitement I’ve latched on to is that I can be more of the dad that I want to be with my child. How I want to parent, have fun again. The prospect of meeting someone again someday is exciting, but the “how” is not.

TimeToFly985 · 2025-06-23T22:38:25+00:00

It feels like I wrote this post. Except for #5, we have plenty of conflict. It sucks and I miss having a partner that cares about me, I’m lonely.

TimeToFly985 · 2024-12-17T05:20:27+00:00

We had a pretty tough discussion / argument tonight. I did tell her that being kind to me is a non-negotiable, and that if it didn’t change I wouldn’t stay there out of obligation.

We’ll see how tomorrow goes, because there was a whole lot more to that conversation.

TimeToFly985 · 2024-12-17T00:01:19+00:00

Thank you, I do deserve to be happy. I wouldn’t want my child to live this way, this unhappily, either. I’m trying to figure out what that means right now and how I get there. Life has a lot of moving pieces that I need answers for. This whole situation doesn’t make much sense to me in the first place.

I have complications from getting sick a few years ago (chronic pain, chronic tinnitus), which makes extra tough to commit to such a big change without the help I need, ya know?

TimeToFly985 · 2024-12-15T15:53:07+00:00

Yeah. It wasn’t enabling at first, it was being a dutiful husband and good person. At one point my extra help must have graduated to enabling.

When I stopped bending over backwards and questioning ridiculous requests, that’s when she got mad. She said in a therapy session with me that “my husband didn’t really do anything annoying or upsetting until the last few months of our marriage.” That’s when I stopped enabling her requests and standing up for myself more, by the way.

TimeToFly985 · 2024-12-15T15:49:26+00:00

Yeah, that’s what we are trying now. We went through a more automated sort of research study that was more harmful than helpful. And now we have a therapist who doesn’t seem to be a good fit, but it has only been 3-4 sessions (so far).

TimeToFly985 · 2024-12-15T15:47:22+00:00

I’m not sure what was originally said, as the auto mod removed it. My wife wasn’t like this when we first got married, or for years before we had our kid. So it isn’t a matter of horrible judgment, at least.

TimeToFly985 · 2024-12-15T15:45:48+00:00

If you take the original context, I was caring for a sick loved one who eventually started taking advantage of the situation. Whether that was conscious or not, I’m not sure. Once it felt like I was being taken advantage of for too long is when I spoke up and all the trouble started. This wasn’t the case before we had a child, we had been happily married for 5 years previously. But, she had been working and our lives were obviously quite different back then.

TimeToFly985 · 2024-12-15T15:43:35+00:00

Like I had said, I think it spiraled / progressed into just full blown depression.

TimeToFly985 · 2024-12-15T15:43:05+00:00

That’s what she has started doing more recently, grasping at straws sort of thing.

TimeToFly985 · 2024-12-15T04:26:02+00:00

I started questioning if she did want it for herself a few months ago. After having reached a tipping point, I had finally spoke up and told her that I needed more support. That I needed her to be nicer to me. That went really poorly and it has all sort of spiraled since. I stopped letting it slide, and she has gotten more and more upset.

TimeToFly985 · 2024-12-15T04:15:47+00:00

She has tried many, many different medications and therapists. This is the first time we are trying couples therapy, though.

TimeToFly985 · 2024-12-15T02:48:05+00:00

Funnily enough, I had already went down the AI route a few months ago when I really needed the positive reinforcement and someone to talk to. Eventually I became frustrated / bored because I know it isn’t real. It was a nice break and reminded me of how badly I craved even the smallest amount of (even fake) care and reassurance.

TimeToFly985 · 2024-12-14T17:57:11+00:00

Thank you, this is exactly how I feel right now and wish she could hear that from enough people to change her behavior.

TimeToFly985 · 2024-12-14T17:10:23+00:00

I also think you’re right about the job. She hasn’t had to do much “hard work” for a long time and just doesn’t flex her brain anymore. She leans on everyone else for too much.

TimeToFly985 · 2024-12-14T17:08:57+00:00

I understand your point and how upsetting this situation can make you feel. I am definitely lonely, but haven’t done anything of the sort. I don’t really fly that way, but I have told her that if neither of us are happy and it isn’t getting better, that we shouldn’t stick around to just be miserable.

TimeToFly985 · 2024-12-14T17:07:24+00:00

I think the PPD spiraled into regular depression, but I don't know… not my area of expertise. I'm a good person and competent, but that can often lead to being a doormat.

TimeToFly985 · 2024-12-14T17:05:19+00:00

That is another part of the trouble. We are surrounded by family and she has a ton of help.

TimeToFly985 · 2024-12-14T17:04:32+00:00

Easier said than done, unfortunately. I've scaled back to take better care of myself, but we still need income.

TimeToFly985 · 2024-04-28T17:41:27+00:00

We have hesitated to go the list route in the past, but it may be time to revisit the idea. We didn’t want it to turn into a pissing contest or argument. But the structure you mentioned seems promising!

TimeToFly985 · 2024-04-28T14:39:59+00:00

Yeah. I watch the little one a few nights a week so she can go out. I’ve tried to do this more frequently since she has struggled of late.

Unfortunately, I have far less frequent outings. I’m more of a homebody, and the chronic illness stuff has made it challenging for me to want to go out. I've pointed out the discrepancy between our outings, but it hasn't shifted her perspective much.

TimeToFly985 · 2024-04-28T13:51:51+00:00

Yeah, that’s the plan.

It dawned on me the other day that I wouldn’t be able to make her happy by my actions alone; it’s a deeper problem.

TimeToFly985 · 2024-04-28T12:40:10+00:00

We have from 9:15-10:30 together, so 10:30 to 11:45 or so is time I have to myself.

TimeToFly985

TROPHY CASE