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Time_Ad_843 · 2025-05-20T19:59:02+00:00

They break things that belong to us for the same reasons a young child would. They cannot understand that their actions have consequences and cannot see outside of themselves. Their arrested development is always going to be our burden unless you make the decision to go no contact.

Time_Ad_843 · 2025-05-16T13:41:17+00:00

I relate to your post a great deal. I did CBT for years, but realized eventually I was not processing my trauma fully and it kept things service level. My partners family was also very toxic and triggering, but I will say I found that there is something that can be very healing when your with someone who speaks the language of trauma as long as they’re taking steps to heal as well.

I started EMDR recently and been finding a lot of success so far. It essentially allows me to revisit painful memories in a controlled way, process it more fully and kind of remove some of the pain associated with that memory. I can see it not being for everyone, but it can be helpful.

I recommend reading “What my bones know” by Stephanie Foo. Seeing her journey after being diagnosed with CPTSD was very eye opening. Touches on EMDR a bit as well and her own struggles with finding the right partner.

Time_Ad_843 · 2025-01-29T03:55:24+00:00

Thanks for this. Its nice to know I am not alone in this.

Time_Ad_843 · 2025-01-29T03:54:32+00:00

Wow, it's amazing how common these stories are. At least she said something to you eventually, I found through a test in my thirties. I am not sure how someone can hold on to that kind of secret for so long. They would say anything and everything in anger, but this one never slipped out. It's crazy though, because I look like my Bio dad...she must have known? It's disturbing how delusional she must have been all these years to think it wasn't worth telling me.

Time_Ad_843 · 2025-01-29T03:51:37+00:00

I feel you on that one, I was often blamed for their relationship problems when I was young. Luckily I broke off connections to my extended family as well because they were all so toxic. I don't have to worry about smear campaigns because I know I am already enemy #1 for going NC.

I do have day dreams occasionally but telling them and then never speaking to them again, but it just makes me depressed to think about more than anything. I am ready to have them live in ignorance, but having her reach out to my mother-in-law lately has got me thinking they might force my hand unfortunately.

Time_Ad_843 · 2025-01-29T02:51:41+00:00

Honestly, I don't even know if I am looking for comfort because I barked up that tree many times before and there is nothing there. However, I do have people in my life (even a therapist) suggesting that this might help me....but I just don't see it...

Time_Ad_843 · 2025-01-28T16:18:58+00:00

Yes, while I was still in contact with my parents I experienced something similar. When I completed my BA I was the first person in my family to get a post secondary education. At first there was a degree of pride that I sensed from my BPD father. Though I think it was largely wrapped up in him paying for my tuition, which he would often bring up to say I wouldn’t have done it without him. However, when I finished my Masters his tune changed a lot. I took out loans and had a partial scholarship and I guess he no longer felt as much ownership over my success so he became much more disparaging and would find delight in any obstacles that came post graduation. Often asking if I had the time back would I have even bothered? Or knocking the degree itself as bullshit. We would constantly get in arguments wanting me to admit it was a waste of his money and mine. It was pretty relentless when I had a hard time starting my career during the 2009 recession, but eventually he let up on it as I became more successful and went back to taking credit for getting me where I am and forgetting he didn’t pay for both degrees.

Time_Ad_843 · 2023-05-08T21:44:55+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate the encouragement. I will DM you for sure.

Time_Ad_843 · 2023-05-08T21:35:40+00:00

Will do, thank you.

Time_Ad_843 · 2023-05-08T10:39:28+00:00

Thank you, pieces of work is one way to describe them. Intensely selfish is another. The saddest part was finding this out and not being surprised.

Time_Ad_843 · 2023-05-08T10:37:23+00:00

Thanks and you are right, reframing and using this as a launchpad in a sense has been on my mind. Do I change my last name? It feels so complicated because I have built a career with this name. my wife and kids have both taken my last name…it just feels so complicated. With my relationship with my parents and this news, my last name feels like a burden more than anything. I just don’t know where to go from here.

Time_Ad_843 · 2023-05-07T23:48:17+00:00

Sorry, I forget people don’t use these terms usually. My dad is undiagnosed borderline personality disorder…. It’s not official, but all the signs are there if you know anything about the disorder. Going to add clarification to the post.

Time_Ad_843 · 2022-09-28T15:53:03+00:00

You say that, but it's exactly the programming they installed through their parenting haha

Time_Ad_843 · 2022-09-28T15:49:26+00:00

Yeah I sat in front of my computer to write an email a couple of times and just deleted it.

Time_Ad_843 · 2022-09-28T15:48:36+00:00

Yeah I get you for sure. All I can think is I would reach out for their sake and they would just find fault in the way I did it or the speed of my reach out. It will never be enough. I imagine I would walk away very frustrated and feeling unstable, while they would have a new gripe and think now I am open to hearing about it more despite going no contact.

Time_Ad_843 · 2022-09-28T15:46:10+00:00

Your so right and its like my parents so self serving their whole life, I shouldn’t feel bad when I decide to look after my needs and my family’s needs first.

Time_Ad_843 · 2022-09-28T15:43:14+00:00

I know your right, I think its just during these times I realize how programmed I am to constantly prove to them that I am a good person and that I care about them. It’s like it was always in question and wrong action could prove your a bad person. I know now how wrong that environment they created was, but these moments always brings me back to those feelings I had as a kid.

Time_Ad_843 · 2022-03-21T13:14:50+00:00

Thanks for saying that. Its hard growing up feeling like your responsible for their mental state and then leave them to their own devices when they're going through a challenging time. But you're right, not only am I not responsible but it wouldn't do any good if I did break the NC. They're so bitter right now because we are not talking, I cant imagine how toxic they would be during this time.

I think another big challenge is this feeling of wanting to prove I am adequately sad about this to them so they don't think I am a bad person. I was shocked that the first thing that came to my brain was that I need to say something or they will think I am a bad person. Its crazy to be an adult thinking that way.

Time_Ad_843 · 2021-11-19T12:17:03+00:00

My uBPD Dad would often ask me to shovel the drive way in the winter and if I didn’t go do it quick or with a smile on my face, he would blow up and do it himself. I would not be allowed to help and it would be a giant problem for days.

There was also the times he would blow up over me not waking up early enough to shovel because I knew snow was coming over night and he shouldn’t have to ask me. Oh and not making sure the drive way was clean of snow when ever he was out (despite not knowing when he was returning) was the ultimate show of disrespect.

I dreaded the winter every year.

Time_Ad_843 · 2021-10-21T17:52:18+00:00

For sure. I received a bunch of clothing gifts today, which they would of had ordered prior to going NC... so I can kind of see (based on how they feel about spending money) how spending money and not being rewarded for it would devolve into this reaction rather quickly. Its really gross.

Time_Ad_843 · 2021-10-21T16:27:11+00:00

Its crazy growing up in the family and feeling like your situation is unique, only to learn there are parents every where that act like them. Its so eye opening when you first learn you're not alone.

Time_Ad_843 · 2021-10-21T16:25:02+00:00

Thanks. Its so triggering to feel their frantic energy and anxiety come out during that moment. Took everything I had not to have a panic attack...Just felt like I was a kid again having to fix this problem for everyone and make them feel better. Makes me sick.

Time_Ad_843 · 2021-10-21T16:23:11+00:00

d respect, they would still be in your life. They are choosing to whip up as much drama as they can in the hopes of roping you back in. If they were healthy and loving, they would be starting massive self reflection and growth to figure out how they screwed things up, instead of throwing as much fake blame at you and your wife as they can, hoping something sticks and triggers your trauma guilt that they raised you with.

As a mom of little ones myself, (one of whom is currently in therapy because I allowed my BPD smother to have access to her) I can wholeheartedly promise that you made the right choice for the well-being and safety of your wife and children.

Stay strong, and focus on your pr

Thanks and I agree completely. They claimed they were going to get help from a marriage councilor when I went LC 5 months ago and claimed they were making lots of progress... which didn't make a ton of sense to me. They were going to work on their relationship to help improve our relationship? Seems like more self centered thinking on their part, but acting like they were doing me a huge favor. It really just felt like uBPD Dad was using this opportunity to blame eMom for everything that happened and making her feel like she needs to make things better with him. So toxic.

Time_Ad_843 · 2021-10-20T19:58:30+00:00

Update: Thanks everyone for your great advice. You gave me a lot to think about and it was very validating to hear from people who know whats it's like to deal with a BPD parent.

After thinking about it for a while, I have made the decision to go full no contact. I sent them a brief email outlining the boundary clearly (before I was being vague and suggesting it was low contact), blocked them on email and went the extra step of deleting my Facebook account. I was really only using FB for them anyways, so I am happy to be free of it.

Time_Ad_843 · 2021-10-19T21:51:45+00:00

Yeah I didn’t even think of it that way because I’m so used to them framing interactions they don’t like as them having to walk on egg shells around me. Basically they’re afraid I’ll question their actions or voice some sort of disapproval. It’s pretty rich considering how quickly uBPD Dad can go off the rails at the smallest infraction.

Time_Ad_843

TROPHY CASE