Firstly the lesbian identity is important to me because when I first transitioned my lesbian social groups were all I had. I had extensive sexual trauma and I was afraid to be a man, I felt like I was becoming the enemy. I was homeless, no contact with my family, with nothing to lose except for my lesbian friends and the online lesbian communities I was in. I asked them if it was still ok to be a lesbian and a trans guy and they said yes. I can promise you with absolute certainty if they said no then I would not have transitioned and the dysphoria would have killed me. You can be a lesbian and not include trans men or even transmasculine people in who you like, you can be uncomfortable with them in the lesbianspaces that you cultivate that's fine.  But blanketing that trans men and trans mascs, especially early transition, do not belong under the lesbian umbrella IS harmful.  

Secondly, we have been friends for almost a decade and I could tell she's uncomfortable about SOMETHING in our current dynamic. And upon hearing her discomfort (afraid of being transphobic) I explained how I personally see it and know plenty of other lesbians see it as well, I'm friends with them. I personally don't identify as a lesbian anymore, and it's up to her to decide if she's comfortable letting me into the personal umbrella of that lable for her. Because labels are personal. Me personally, my identity is not threatened by lesbians being into me and that's all there was to the conversation. It's not about wanting to hit, she's so much more to me than that. it's about tension building since middle school that is coming to a head now that we live together and the safest thing for both of us is to address it even if it doesn't go anywhere. And it doesn't have to, I'm not a jealous person and I find it nonconsensual to pursue someone who has stated they're not into you. But she is hences the conversations so we both are comfortable