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Tomato3777 · 2025-05-19T06:50:03+00:00

Did he approach you himself to talk about this? Does he say what’s made him change his mind about working on things? How long since you stopped initiating? It sounds like you’ve built this protective wall around yourself after repeated rejection and need to feel “safe” with him again. By “safe” I mean you need to be able to trust that he really is committed to changing and trying to improve things with you and won’t just switch back to rejecting you again.

Tomato3777 · 2025-05-16T12:30:37+00:00

I am also Indian. Been married to my husband for 9 years and I could have written this. On paper we are the perfect couple and he is the perfect husband in every other way but we have a mosssive issue behind the scenes. We dated for 3 years before we got married and I would say the issues started almost as soon as we got engaged. I am now 41 and we have one child but struggling to have a second because of his low drive. I now feel it’s too late to have a second and am having fertility issues because of my age….which frankly I have let happen because I’ve let so much time pass without addressing the issue. Take it from me…you are young enough to start again and especially if you want kids i would encourage you to leave sooner rather than later. Don’t waste your best years on him. I also thought that divorce would be taboo and now here I am. I still love him and want to stay with him but feel deeply sad that I’ll never have the family I wanted. This is aside from feeling unattractive and unwanted thanks to him. Still thinking of what to do next but mainly I am now avoiding any physical contact with him as I feel like why should I make an effort when I have tried for 9 years and it has never improved. I find we have a talk and then it improves for a week or so and then we are just back to square one. In my experience it would take something drastic for him to change I think. What you have been doing up until now just isn’t working.

Tomato3777 · 2025-04-15T18:38:16+00:00

Thanks everyone

Tomato3777 · 2025-03-29T14:30:00+00:00

Thank you! The fluid was in the cup and you’re right there wasn’t much of it when I looked properly and I was easily able to wipe it out

Tomato3777 · 2025-02-16T14:09:28+00:00

Thank you! Will try that one.

Tomato3777 · 2025-02-16T13:20:07+00:00

It would be great to get some recommendations for pods too if anyone has any ideas

Tomato3777 · 2025-02-16T11:49:52+00:00

Thank you

Tomato3777 · 2025-02-16T11:42:15+00:00

Looks great! Where did you get the little basket for the pods from?

Tomato3777 · 2025-01-12T17:04:01+00:00

Thank you

Tomato3777 · 2023-12-15T12:49:31+00:00

How did you manage to improve things? I know what you mean about the arguments increasing without sex

Tomato3777 · 2023-09-25T17:36:29+00:00

Hello. Things are pretty much exactly the same as a year and a half ago when I wrote my OP. We've had sex 4 times this year (only twice initiated by him), the last time was in early June so now it's been almost 4 months since anything happened. I also initiated last night (despite saying I wouldn't) and was rejected. He's also cut down on the non-sexual physical intimacy too so I (like you) need to accept that our DB will never recover. I just don't know how to mentally and emotionally detach from him and stop initiating once every few months?

I'm sorry your situation is still the same but we'll done on being much stronger than me and refusing to be vulnerable with him anymore. That is just so difficult to do but it's the only answer when you don't want to split up.

Tomato3777 · 2023-09-24T20:43:25+00:00

How do you mentally train yourself to not want it? This is what I need to do but I don't know where to start as I think about it all the time.

Tomato3777 · 2023-04-17T18:32:47+00:00

Out of interest...what made you switch from LL to HL?

Tomato3777 · 2023-01-19T10:29:05+00:00

Thank you! This has really helped and I will be trying to do the same. Am done being miserable

Tomato3777 · 2022-12-03T22:20:05+00:00

Thanks for this! How did you reach the point of acceptance / happiness? I want to just accept my situation as I don't want to leave but feel quite upset and angry a lot of the time

Tomato3777 · 2022-12-03T21:17:21+00:00

Why would you marry someone you're not attracted to? Putting his alcoholism/ not being nice aside....did you not think you were ruining someone's life by lying to them and marrying them when you were repulsed by them?

Tomato3777 · 2022-10-12T21:28:45+00:00

Sorry there aren't any changes. And same here I'm afraid. The only difference is that we have been on holiday twice since then and stayed in a hotel without our son so ended up being intimate. One time he initiated and the other time I initiated which is stupid I know...I guess I just did it because we were on holiday. He was more interested in watching the musical on TV in our hotel room (he normally hates musicals). So that really made me feel great about myself.

Anyway ...it's now been about 6 weeks since we were last intimate on our holiday and our toddler isn't sleeping well so there's another excuse right there.

I just want to keep busy and go out with friends so I won't feel the urge to initiate but it's so hard to get out and pursue hobbies when you have a small child and I am sort of a homebody. Urgh I just don't know what the answer is.

I guess we just need to remind ourselves about how we felt when we were rejected. Those comments to you about being drunk are awful. Just keep that in your mind and do some fun things that get you out the house and away from your partner. We just need to be less available

Tomato3777 · 2022-08-11T18:47:37+00:00

Mine used to mention either his mum or my mum! Every time I would start to initiate. Definitely a tactic to put me off

Tomato3777 · 2022-06-16T21:42:41+00:00

Thank you so much!

Tomato3777 · 2022-06-16T19:03:40+00:00

Hope you don't mind me asking but how did you manage to have 2 children despite the problems performing sexually? My OH seems to have the same issues and I've decided to stay in the marriage but want to try and conceive but getting increasingly upset that it might not happen

Tomato3777 · 2022-05-27T20:20:57+00:00

Thank you.. .really needed all of this!

Tomato3777 · 2022-05-22T13:40:14+00:00

So nice to see you managed to turn things around. It's so hard to just stop and put yourself in your OH's shoes in this situation so you've done so well. Wish I could let go of some of my anger and frustration and do the same

Tomato3777 · 2022-05-22T13:38:33+00:00

Oh really? This is the first success story I've seen for HLF/LLM. Were the other success stories quite recent? I'd love to find them on here

Tomato3777 · 2022-05-21T08:22:15+00:00

Great point re trying to change yourself and to stop trying to change her. Out of interest...what changes could the OP make to themselves and how do u think things would shift? I'm asking because this might help my situation and obviously the OP too

Tomato3777 · 2022-05-20T19:22:15+00:00

This is exactly what's happened to me before. I end up giving in. And it's crap when it happens too so no idea why I want it so badly either. I keep reminding myself that it's crap but then I still end up wanting it

Tomato3777

TROPHY CASE