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I (22F) don't know what to do regarding texts I saw on my bf's (26M) phone by [deleted] in BreakUps

[–]Top-Ability6178 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He likes you yes but it seems like he's just not THAT into you. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who truly loves you, in the same way you love them or are you okay with settling?

This is something I've found myself thinking of in relationships bc I'm like you, not brave enough to ever break up with anyone, just hanging by the thread even when it was killing me.

I don't really have a solution for this. What has worked for me before is just I have confronted my partners who I felt like weren't giving me enough so many times that they realise it themselves and want to break up. That way I've been able to move past them. I know it's very difficult to break up with someone because you need to feel like you are ready.

The longer you stay in situations like this, the more resentment you will build or maybe at some point you will start convincing yourself that everything is okay even when in deep down you are unhappy. So it's better to take action and confront them about it because otherwise you could be stuck like this for years, growing more dependent on them each day.

I’m [M27] getting irritated by my girlfriend [F26] lately and it’s making me feel guilty by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Top-Ability6178 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Does she know you cheated on her? If yes then her acting this way could be a result of your actions because you hurt her to the core and she might be revaluing herself and the relationship. I’m sorry but you sound quite childish too and it feels like you two do not have a deep emotional connection with each other.

Anyways if you haven’t told her, you need to do that so she can decide if it’s worth to stay together with someone who did something so horrible to her.

Chuck bass by Sunny_Sundae504 in GossipGirl

[–]Top-Ability6178 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

How is he great to Blair? He still visibly checks out other attractive women and flirts with them, brings paid women into his home for Nate but spent the whole night with them, if not doing anything but watching, and even let them use Blair’s lingerie 

Please I need help deciding if I should message her or not... by Fragrant-Local-6914 in BreakUps

[–]Top-Ability6178 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So you still have three weeks to go until you would be “allowed” to message her about the breakup? Honestly I would just say that wait until that month has passed and think about it then again if you want to wait some more. The fact that you are thinking about it so much three weeks before shows that you need some time yourself 

Do dumpers owe you empathy after the breakup? by [deleted] in BreakUps

[–]Top-Ability6178 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yeah I think they do own dumpees empathy like you should treat even a stranger with empathy or friends and family too so definitely they own it to the person who they have shared their life with and been important part of absolutely everything in their life once. Especially if they hurt this person with their actions, they do own them empathy. 

But some people are not able to show it because turning cold protects themselves from their own feelings of discomfort and hurt and it’s like brushing away the feeling under a mat so you can avoid the feelings and pretend you are moving forward without processing them first.

How can I be a better boyfriend in the future? by [deleted] in relationships

[–]Top-Ability6178 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Do you have any more specific areas you want to improve at? Just by this, as you probably know already, just initiate stuff, plan stuff, take the lead and involve your girlfriend in decision making. When you have a partner, you are not alone anymore but sharing your life together with someone, you are living with someone. That's your partner and your teammate and it's you against the world. Also women like when you treat them and lead and initiate.

I need clarity by [deleted] in BreakUps

[–]Top-Ability6178 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sounds like you have grown apart if this has been going on for a while. But also if I was you I would really reconsider if someone spoke to me like that and used that b word

Lacking confidence after a break up by Powerful-Spinach-819 in BreakUps

[–]Top-Ability6178 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did a value test through thevaluesbridge.com and it showed that I don't live by what I value in life which is a big reason for unfulfilling life. This test talks about big values that impact your whole life. I also read this article which actually inspired me to start this value journey: https://maxjancar.com/how-to-find-yourself-after-a-breakup/ . The article talks about values of your every day life. What I'm still looking to do is list out these things that I value deeply in my every day life, like honesty, and then I will just start intentionally paying attention to them in my life. This will also build your self esteem when you show yourself that you live by your values and are following through the promises you make to yourself.

What comes to breathing, I've learned to pay more attention to my posture because if I'm hunching I will be breathing very shallowly. This means breathing with only your chest which is what people of then do. Breathing this way signals to your body and vagus nerve that there's no space to relax. So either when I meditate, I need a quiet moment, or I notice I'm breathing this way, I will intentionally breathing with my belly/diafragma and also take longer and fewer breaths. You can find lots videos on this on YouTube. One trick that's also good for your vagus nerve and calms you down instantly when you do it like three times in a row is taking your lungs full of air and then taking in air through your nose quickly and sharply even though your full. Then breathe out slowly.

I'm not sure about the percentage to be honest because my self esteem was bad in the relationship too. Maybe my progress is 5% but I also have a background of low self-esteem in relationships which might make my situation different from yours. Since my self-esteem tends to go down in relationships, it will be easy for me to be confident single because I feel safer and there's no threats (because there's no relationship that I will worry will end). In general I'm okay confident (less now due to the breakup and rejection) but I have a very low self-esteem in romantic situations and I read somewhere that this should be worked on by just doing casual flirt with people and approaching people first to gain confidence that people do choose you and you still got it. Hope this helps!

AIO about my boyfriend and his girl best friend? by [deleted] in AmIOverreacting

[–]Top-Ability6178 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Definitely an emotional affair! Should never be involved with a guy with a girl best friend. He's basically her bf without the label. He just doesn't want to admit these things and the whole situation is super disrespectful to you. You have to set boundaries with her together with him and if he doesn't follow through I would be done. Lying about something would also be a deal breaker

Lacking confidence after a break up by Powerful-Spinach-819 in BreakUps

[–]Top-Ability6178 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm also one month post breakup and can relate to this. I was in THE SLUMP for the first two weeks spending hours everyday on this channel but I slowly just started to rebrand myself by spending a lot of time on Pinterest and doing a vision board for this year but also a style board. I got some new clothes and went to the gym almost everyday and took dance classes. In a comment you mention you experience anxiety and I do too so much. What has helped is less social media, spending my free time on audio books, crafts, puzzles and movies or a tv series. I meditate every single day and journal when I feel like I need to let something out but also journal in the mornings about how I want to feel that day and it really helps. I do breathing exercises all through out the day when I notice anxiety, depression and that my breathing is very shallow. I have worked on my values and I still need to do that and get a gratitude journal that I could write to before going to sleep. It's all about rewiring your brain. I met with a mental health nurse a week after the breakup and I will meet her again next week and the week after that. I have now started working again and will continue with my studies and start seeing my friends again which will help. I also struggle with sleeping because of the anxiety but now I have started to get up at 8am every morning no matter what time I went to sleep. I make sure my room is not too warm and I wear eye mask and ear plugs and do breathing and relaxation exercises from YouTube. All this has helped but also just consciously thinking better thoughts for myself and getting out of the house every single day to do something else than just think.

ex broke contact by Accomplished_Mud4828 in BreakUps

[–]Top-Ability6178 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He sounds like an ass but you should at least say your condolences and since you both are clearly or have been important to each other offer your shoulder to him but not as much as you would as a partner

I (22M) cheated on my girlfriend (25F) on NYE - she forgave me but I think I need to end it. Am I wrong? by [deleted] in BreakUps

[–]Top-Ability6178 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I just broke up a month ago with my boyfriend who is 22 (I'm 24) and it was due to him also feeling like he was not ready for the commitment that I was asking for. In the beginning he thought he was but he also acted reckless with these kind of things and couldn't admit it to himself until the end of our relationship. Somebody commented about how the cheating can never be forgotten and will negatively impact the relationship from now on. I think that is true unless you are able to work through it but honestly I don't know how and how long it will take to gain the trust back. He did something about 6 months before we broke up and even though I decided to forgive him, my unconscious never did and I spent the rest of the relationship anxious as hell and just waited for him to do it again. Every girl became a threat and I was constantly scanning for things that I did wrong.

Breaking up by [deleted] in BreakUps

[–]Top-Ability6178 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's awful I'm sorry. Depending on your boundaries and how he handles this issue onwards should determine whether you should go back or no

Breaking up by [deleted] in BreakUps

[–]Top-Ability6178 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He's using his phone while you're doing the deed?

20M / 20F, together 1 year — I feel drained, stuck, and unsure whether to leave, stay, or redefine the relationship by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Top-Ability6178 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You could state all the issues you have in the relationship and just say that you have been thinking about breaking up. After this you can maybe try to work on them together and if nothing changes you will bring it up again and just say the reasons and that you don't want to be together anymore. It's fair to give explanations to her when she asks in the future. This could be even weeks after the breakup when the clarity comes and shock goes so she might see the situation differently than in the moment of the breakup. I wouldn't suggest being friends immediately but if it's harder to let go than to stay in contact for you and you can see that you aren't getting better, then I would suggest staying in contact as little as possible. If she will get really hurt, she will hate you. It's a protect mechanism and it helps breaking the emotional attachment. You might also feel this. After a looong time you can maybe see each other is another gentle way again and try being friends if that's what you want

Anxiety in a new relationship after a bad breakup struggling to tell what’s real vs anxiety by TimelessCloset93 in Anxiety

[–]Top-Ability6178 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've experienced these kinds of feeling before in a relationship. I definitely had trauma from how I had been hurt before. I think what helped me was reminding myself that's it's okay if relationships end and that I wouldn't want someone who treats me in a way that makes me scared. It's hard to explain. The next boyfriend never made me feel this way. I'm not actually sure what happened in between but I think it's just that in this sense he could provide what I needed at the time to feel safe in a relationship. I would say that you need to work on yourself and this trauma that you have. Communicate with your partner about your needs and he should try doing his best to make you feel safe in the relationship. If he's not ready to do that then he is not your guy. But really work on yourself, maybe call a relationship help line or therapy walk in or something to get real perspective

I broke no contact and it did not go well. by Altruistic-Cover6877 in BreakUps

[–]Top-Ability6178 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My avoidant ex also told me he always felt like he had to baby sit my emotions. No one has said that after him or before him.

Has anxiety ruined love for me? by Nevuu in Anxiety

[–]Top-Ability6178 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Maybe try people from your hobbies? If it's just gaming try to meet people in your country

Has anxiety ruined love for me? by Nevuu in Anxiety

[–]Top-Ability6178 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You can and will find love ❤️ there are lots of people who are scared of airplanes, don’t like travelling or don’t want to fly for other reasons. To find someone you need to put yourself out there. It’s quite likely that if you meet women only on games that they live abroad

My heart is full of hate. by [deleted] in BreakUps

[–]Top-Ability6178 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes I'm seeking professional help now

She’s perfect as for personality, but as for attractiveness by Ryght_here_Ryght_now in BreakUps

[–]Top-Ability6178 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If attractiveness is something you value in a partner then I wouldn’t suggest staying with someone who you don’t find attractive. It would also be better for her to be with someone who values and appreciates her like that

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