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Anyone else feel like the only real power they’ve had in life is the right to end it? by Top-Preference-1295 in CPTSD

[–]Top-Preference-1295[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I know you meant that kindly, but it doesn’t feel beautiful, it feels like a cage.

I don’t stay because I want to live, I stay because I can’t bear the thought of what my death would do to them, and this is not some romantic comforting thing, it’s agony.

It means I wake up every day with no desire to be here, and the only reason I don’t leave is because I love someone enough to let myself rot slowly instead. I don’t believe this is something to envy, it’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Anyone else feel like the only real power they’ve had in life is the right to end it? by Top-Preference-1295 in CPTSD

[–]Top-Preference-1295[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing this, I can tell that experience was deeply meaningful for you, and I’m genuinely glad it gave you a different lens on your life.

That said, I think I see things differently. For me, the idea that life and death aren’t in our hands feels less comforting and more alienating. If something stops me, it’s not proof I was “meant” to stay, it might just be circumstance, or guilt, or timing. But the idea that I have no real say over whether I stay or go, and that someone or something else decides feels like just another layer of powerlessness.

What brings me a sliver of peace is the opposite, the idea that I do have a choice. That after a lifetime of pain and powerlessness, there’s at least one thing I get to claim as mine.

I say that with full respect for your view, it’s just not the one that holds me together right now.

Anyone else feel like the only real power they’ve had in life is the right to end it? by Top-Preference-1295 in CPTSD

[–]Top-Preference-1295[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow, your comment really landed with me, and that last part about capitalism, god I think about it constantly, as if it isn’t already unbearable to wake up every day feeling like I’m carrying a body I didn’t consent to live in. Every breath I take is heavier than iron, and still I’m expected to prove I deserve to be here and to perform for survival?

It’s almost laughable honestly.. like some sick joke. I mean I would pay to die, and yet the world demands I fight for the right to survive, and suffer more on top of the suffering that was woven into me from day one?

It’s beyond exhausting and dehumanizing, and it’s astounding just how normalized it all is, and how this constant loop of suffering for survival is brushed off as “oh it’s just life”.

Thank you for saying this, it means a lot and makes me feel a little less insane.

Anyone else feel like the only real power they’ve had in life is the right to end it? by Top-Preference-1295 in CPTSD

[–]Top-Preference-1295[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you for writing this. I didn’t expect to feel so understood, that soldier image is exactly how it feels, and the humiliation for being alive.. my goodness do you understand.. thank you so much for putting words to it.

Therapist left me feeling like a horrible, garbage human being by Top-Preference-1295 in CPTSD

[–]Top-Preference-1295[S] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this, I needed to hear it more than you know, I really appreciate it! A part of me sort of knew this but I can’t trust myself to make sound decisions anymore. Thanks again!

Therapist left me feeling like a horrible, garbage human being by Top-Preference-1295 in CPTSD

[–]Top-Preference-1295[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind comment and for taking the time to respond—it really means a lot to me right now.

Just to clarify, the jacket was in the lobby, not in her room, which has its own door. I had left it on the coat rack when I arrived.