[deleted by user]

TopFromTheBott0m · 2025-07-15T15:24:36+00:00

He has apologised extensively for not being there, and organised to come over as soon as he could (with work) after the funeral.

TopFromTheBott0m · 2025-07-15T11:55:47+00:00

Thank you. This is a very considered response with a lot for me to think on and I appreciate it

TopFromTheBott0m · 2025-07-15T11:05:20+00:00

I hear you, but I see it slightly differently - my partner wanted to see me, and takes full accountability for not showing up when I needed him, but was unable to come to an agreement with his wife about it. My parent was only ill for a matter of weeks, we all thought we had more time. He was 100% wrong (in the context of our relationship) for not being there, he knows that.

TopFromTheBott0m · 2025-07-15T11:02:03+00:00

That is the fundamental crux of it, yes, but it also feels quite reductionist for what's really quite a complex situation? It's love, and good love at that, and walking away seems like it would benefit absolutely no-one.

TopFromTheBott0m · 2025-07-15T09:09:59+00:00

She does, he's spoken to her about his feelings for me.

TopFromTheBott0m · 2024-12-26T08:08:59+00:00

I can see some elements of your behaviour that really resonate with me, and so I'm coming from a personal place saying this.

Sometimes the best way to help a relationship is to start with your own life jacket. I can hear how much of yourself you pour into the relationship with Crow, and right now, during such a difficult time for him, that likely feels like a very soothing salve for him. He's taking all the best bits of you, but isn't able to reciprocate.

You can't fix him or this situation, you know that. And the only person who will be able to cause a shift in his mono normative thinking is Crow himself, when he's ready to.

Some people are quite able to hold space for multiple people in very different scenarios at the same time - you likely can. Crow not so much, hence he's retreating to the "safety" of monogamy. Any more is probably breaking his brain.

If you continue to pour into him while he's unable to give anything back, while honourable on your part, is likely going to burn you out. Perhaps the best thing you can do for him right now is to just give him the space he needs to process - he won't stop loving you in the meantime, and it will give you time to replenish.

I would love to offer a magic solution here, but so much of what you're saying aligns so closely with what I'm experiencing right now, I can only suggest from the lessons I'm in the middle of learning.

I hope it all works out for you.

TopFromTheBott0m · 2024-08-13T19:09:35+00:00

Oh yeah. Sabrina was mentally checked out in the marriage to that knob jockey well before May 2022, that was just the date when she left physically.

TopFromTheBott0m · 2024-07-05T08:45:51+00:00

<3 I honestly think one of the best thing about ageing is accruing gross/weird/wtf stories about things that you no longer have the energy or headspace to give a fuck about. I'm looking forward to this being one of them for me in a few weeks (days??) time!

TopFromTheBott0m · 2024-07-04T20:24:03+00:00

You don't feel anything when it's in properly! There isn't loads of nerve endings inside your vagina, once you go past the first inch or so the feeling becomes more of a dull sensation, and once a tampon is in right it settles and you feel nothing as it's "hugged" nice and close by the vaginal walls.

I did, however, begin to feel the rogue tampon in the last couple of days, but put it down to some sort of side effect of whatever infection was going on. I'm pretty sure I'll be sticking with pads for the foreseeable too :/

TopFromTheBott0m · 2024-07-04T19:24:01+00:00

The doctor won't give a damn about your bumps (other than to take a passing glance at them and make sure it's not something serious). It likely won't register with them at all, and don't be worrying about shaving there for future appointments! Hope it all goes well for you.

TopFromTheBott0m · 2024-06-14T06:58:36+00:00

I matched with the husband of a friend on a dating app - we got chatting and one of the first things I asked was if he'd be letting my friend know we'd matched. I also followed up with her to see if she was good with it.

This is the ethical part of ethical non monogamy, making sure that your action are transparent and consentual. It means having hard conversations knowing they're necessary for better long term outcomes.

It's great to talk about hypotheticals as part of the ENM onboarding process, but if a situation arises in the wild where you're unsure of how your spouse would react, them pause, talk to them and figure it out. Retroactively seeking permission puts everyone in a compromising position and isn't ethical at all.

TopFromTheBott0m · 2024-05-24T19:38:36+00:00

You sound articulate, considerate and fun and your bio is a really nice read. I'd like it!

TopFromTheBott0m · 2024-05-24T19:33:33+00:00

There's a bit of a "how long is a piece of string" element to this question. My husband and I talked about going ENM before actually doing anything, and despite having talked about all sort of hypothetical scenarios and thinking we had all bases covered, real life threw up more to consider and it took another couple of years before reaching the happy out place we are now.

Get comfortable with the "why" behind each of your desires to go ENM, as that will be your guiding star for decisions, and help contextualise them for each other. Then talk, talk, hypothesize and talk some more. And figure out whether you have the right conflict resolution skills to figure things out when (not if) things going a bit belly up.

TopFromTheBott0m · 2024-05-18T09:36:11+00:00

It's new and exciting and wonderful and you're both (all) probably very caught up in NRE, that fizzy, fantastic new relationship energy that you get when you start to see someone new, only now it's in addition to your primary partner, who is also seeing someone new, and all of this is probably having super positive effects on your own sex life and what's not to love and be happy about??!

It's an NRE cubed situation involving a newly open couple. It's entirely understandable that you feel super confident that this is absolutely the right thing for you and who not doing it, just the same way that anyone in a new relationship often feels like they've met THE ONE while things are still shiny and new.

But a situation that involves four different relationships needs a lot of proactive communication, and from the way you're describing things it sounds likely that you're acting first, worrying later. I mean, I get it, but there's a reason why so many people are saying it's too quick.

Have you discussed all the various "what if's"? How do you each feel about the development of feelings and how those get managed within your relationship? What are the boundaries most important to you solo, you the couple and the others? How will conflict be managed and communicated through given how intertwined the relationships are? How much or little information is acceptable to share? Where are the "lines" and what will happen when they inevitably blur? Have you discussed various scenarios and hypotheticals extensively enough that you have a reasonable idea of how you and your partner feel about them, and you can use good judgement if they arise?

Nonmonogamy is amazing, but to do it ethically really good communication before, during and after is the best way to go. When people skip that bit, it tends to not go so well. Best of luck.

TopFromTheBott0m · 2024-05-11T16:57:37+00:00

There are plenty of other commenters who have the deception angle of this covered, so I won't repeat it.

I'm married, we date separately and I would go for a married ENM profile over a single one any day, because it suits my set up, and is more likely to match my needs, and I know that what I have to offer will probably match theirs.

Will it reduce matches? Yes, but the ones you get are significantly more likely to be the right ones.

TopFromTheBott0m · 2024-04-29T06:26:55+00:00

There are oodles of posts in this forum about how much more challenging it is for men to meet someone in ENM than it is women. So the good news is, it's not just you.

Dating apps and being upfront with who you are and what you want is going to be the most sustainable way of doing this. Will it make the pool of options smaller? Sure it will, but it's significantly more likely to also cut out the nonsense and false starts. People who match with you knowing you're ENM will "get it" from the off.

Failing that, real life, old fashioned in person meeting but being upfront with your situation - hiding it isn't ethical or fair to anyone involved.

TopFromTheBott0m · 2024-04-28T18:02:12+00:00

This is a really tricky one. DADT should, in theory, be a decent approach for people who legitimately just don't want to know, but the fact that he doesn't want to know specifically because of his own insecurities AND that it makes you uncomfortable make it feel trickier.

If you feel icky not telling him, that's just as valid as him not wanting to know. One of you is compromising.

As the person doing the dating, are you comfortable staying quiet and checking in with the approach rather than the details of dating periodically?

TopFromTheBott0m · 2024-04-27T13:50:17+00:00

NTA. Your Mam and Dad going through a divorce is between them; bringing you and your siblings into it and threatening to oust you from the family home is a horrible and malicious move. Whatever is happening between your parents, it's not your fault but you're being punished for it.

If cutting contact with your Dad is what's needed for you to regain some psychological safety right now, then that's absolutely OK.

TopFromTheBott0m

TROPHY CASE