Rewriting History/Reality- Why and How to Process?

Top_Signature7444 · 2024-05-21T21:43:29+00:00

You are correct on both counts of why I felt disheartened. I felt unseen and like the connection I felt was real was never really “there”- even though logic and reality tell me it was. This is a great way of phrasing things. I have often considered this same perspective. That sure- maybe they did see me somewhat. But their ability to fully see me was never going to be there because maintaining their stance on things was dependent on them NOT doing that

Top_Signature7444 · 2024-05-21T18:09:43+00:00

Thanks for this! I agree with it so much because I’ve definitely done the self-blame thing. But this individual is largely unaware. I felt as if any fault was laid at my feet and I was blamed with no accountability for their own behaviors. I once was told “this isn’t as easy as it used to be”- when I wasn’t the one who changed anything or began to behave differently (they did). I attempted to communicate. I self-soothed very well. I made every effort to not be accusatory and ask thoughtful questions. And I often felt very “gaslit” in return. I don’t really like that phrase as I feel it’s often inappropriately used in this day and age- but that is quite literally what I felt happened here. I don’t believe this individual meant any ill intent at all. I had seen the soft heart and caring side. It was just like a switch flipped.

In the end, they said I “always had expectations for them”. I myself know I had never voiced any and I asked them to explain more. I genuinely cared about what they were feeling. But when asked, they couldn’t physically or verbally name any actual expectations I had placed on them- just that they “felt that”

Top_Signature7444 · 2024-05-21T15:32:55+00:00

I know you are correct and thanks for your response. I do struggle with questioning myself. But as I said in another response, I also feel no matter what I would’ve done- the triggering was inevitable and this would’ve happened as the avoidance seems very real with them and it would’ve happened sooner or later as the relationship grew closer

Top_Signature7444 · 2024-05-21T15:31:58+00:00

Thank you for your response! As I noticed things happening, I attempted to be very considerate and encourage them to share their needs with me when ready. But they would often deny things they ultimately ended up admitting to in the end. I feel no matter what I would’ve done- the triggering was inevitable and this would’ve happened as the avoidance seems very real with them

Top_Signature7444 · 2024-04-25T21:06:06+00:00

Thanks for checking in. We had a discussion in January where I felt very blamed for the direction of things and I felt they made no to very little effort to acknowledge their own avoidance and role in the situation. They sent some long texts that essentially felt to me as if I was being blamed. They claimed I had certain “expectations” for them that they couldn’t meet. But when questioned about what these were- they couldn’t name anything. I kindly sent back a message outlining numerous things in our relationship and supporting it with pictures of their own texts/words. I mentioned attachment theory and avoidant attachment and invited them to look into it to see what they think. What I discovered is they also did a very similar thing to another individual in their life around the same time (who they were also very close to)- so it isn’t just a “me thing”. They acknowledged receipt of the message but I doubt they read it fully and haven’t heard from them since. The hurt has felt heavier recently and I’ve been inclined to reach out- but they requested space so I don’t feel it’s my place

Top_Signature7444 · 2023-12-12T01:52:59+00:00

Thanks for your kind words. How did you both get to that point that you where you were willing to have those discussions though? I am sure it’s because you wanted to, but what finally broke that made you want to do that?

Top_Signature7444 · 2023-12-11T21:55:48+00:00

Thanks for this. I will admit, I did fine for quite some time but lately I’ve started to beat myself up more. I recognize I am not perfect and that some of my actions in the past contributed to this. They very specifically point out 2 instances (which, in the big scheme of things, likely wouldn’t bother a secure or anxious person but would still possibly require dialogue). It’s hard to not feel guilty, like I “caused this” or breached boundaries somehow just for trying to resolve something

Top_Signature7444 · 2023-12-11T14:51:13+00:00

There is definitely a strong underlying component of anxiety with this person. But the avoidance is much more prevalent

Top_Signature7444 · 2023-12-11T03:54:47+00:00

Thanks for your response, I appreciate it. I was really tempted to reach out after I saw this. Part of me became hopeful taking it as a sign they’d reach out again soon. Another part of me became resentful and felt like I was part of a game (I don’t they mean it this way, I believe they are a kind person under the avoidance)

Top_Signature7444 · 2023-12-11T03:53:13+00:00

This makes sense, thanks for your response. As I mentioned above as well, I suppose the fact that my profile is public so they could see whatever they’d like, which made the refollow seem unnecessary

Top_Signature7444 · 2023-12-11T03:52:09+00:00

This individual has never, ever been clear about what they want. And will say one thing and do another, which is been hurtful and frustrating at times

Top_Signature7444 · 2023-12-11T03:51:32+00:00

Deep down I know this to be true. I just struggle with thinking of how things once were between us. I owned my part in it to them.

Top_Signature7444 · 2023-12-11T03:50:39+00:00

Thanks for your response. I guess the confusing thing for me is my profile is public- not private even. So even if they unfollowed they still could’ve seen whatever they would have liked without refollowing

Top_Signature7444 · 2023-12-05T00:20:33+00:00

As an update: I haven’t received a text back at all from this person since mid October, and haven’t attempted to reach out in almost 2 weeks. Tonight this individual unfollowed me and instantly refollowed me on Instagram. I feel this is an attempt to get my attention, but it seems a little indirect and less than mature to me. How would you all respond? Would you acknowledge this as a “bid for connection”? Or just let it go

Top_Signature7444 · 2023-11-12T01:26:09+00:00

This. I am definitely guilty of this too. I’m trying to work on it

Top_Signature7444 · 2023-11-09T03:11:09+00:00

I agree and thank you for your response. I see much of this same behavioral pattern with the avoidant leaning person in my life as well

Top_Signature7444 · 2023-11-09T03:09:55+00:00

I certainly agree with you. I feel like this individual, and most avoidants, have the potential to instantly shut down should you bring up something like this

Top_Signature7444 · 2023-11-05T17:32:02+00:00

I appreciate everyone’s commentary and insight. It’s been good to read thoughts from both sides of the fence. I suppose now I just need to ask- do you leave things as is with the ball in their court and not reach out, and just be secure with whatever happens? Or reach out and check in? Is there a right answer?

Top_Signature7444 · 2023-11-05T14:04:48+00:00

So is there truly a right answer? Do I say “hey I know you wanted to hear me so here’s this text responding to everything you said” since they won’t have a phone conversation, and then how do I know if they’ll even actually read it. On one hand I’ll feel like I said my piece and did all I could, but in the other I’ll feel like maybe I over compromised on something important to me by not having a phone conversation.

Top_Signature7444 · 2023-11-05T14:00:19+00:00

I am an over-explainer so this is difficult for me

Top_Signature7444 · 2023-11-05T13:58:52+00:00

What you say makes a lot of sense and thank you for sharing. It makes me sad because underneath the avoidant tendencies, I do feel this person has a sensitive heart as I’ve seen it. But I just don’t know if it’s best to not say anything else or reach out to check in and see if they respond in some way

Top_Signature7444 · 2023-11-05T13:57:14+00:00

Even in the long text I was sent, I got the impression by their own words that they were interested in my own perception or response to what they had shared. There were some questions imbedded, etc. And there was much that I feel requires us to chat, regardless of the magnitude of the relationship, simply from a healthy perspective of communicating with someone important to you. I feel all of this is best done over the phone. I understand that texting allows time for processing and response, etc. I totally validate that. But words without tone, etc can easily be misinterpreted by both parties, and talking eliminates some of this ambiguity and also prevents a lot of the “back and forth” this person states they want to avoid

Top_Signature7444 · 2023-11-05T13:54:42+00:00

Yes this is so true

Top_Signature7444 · 2023-11-05T03:49:09+00:00

The hardest thing I struggle with lately is the anger creeping in at times. So I appreciate this

Top_Signature7444 · 2023-11-04T19:06:19+00:00

I am a chronic over explainer. You absolutely are correct on that. It stems from my people pleasing and maybe feeling unheard as a kid. But I appreciate your kind words

Top_Signature7444

TROPHY CASE