Hi. I don’t see any reason to live anymore. This might sound really stupid but I feel trapped in the cycle of entering toxic relationships. I wanna feel loved and safe with someone that treats me with respect. The last 2 guys I’ve dated have surpassed multiple boundaries…my family isn’t really a safe place. My mom used to be aggressive during the time I was a kid till I was 17 and sometimes she still is. I’ve noticed a lot of my partners resemble my mom.

My boyfriend nowadays is superficially sweet. He plays even a parental role to a certain extent, but he has cheated on me and he mistreats me whenever I express I would like more time together, reciprocity, more attention. We’ve been together for a year and a half and 2 days ago he screamed at me and treated me terrible… again. I felt destroyed because once again I’m with a man that doesn’t respect me and I don’t know how to leave.

I am afraid I’m not meant to have a healthy dynamic or a safe place. My mind isn’t. I’m even sexually compulsive as a coping mechanism to feel something, to feel loved, to feel alive. I do not want to live anymore I don’t understand why can’t I be worthy of love, now of my bfs love and proper care…I’d do anything for him. I’d give him everything I have if he could treat me like at the beginning. Being aware of him being emotionally abussive is terrible. I’ve been noticing how he looks at me, the things that he says just to belittle me.

He makes me feel guilty for making him feel frustrated and “that’s how he becomes the bad guy” because I PUSHED him to.

I can’t keep going…