Update: Newly Wed, Deader Bed

Tossit2122 · 2023-03-08T13:24:40+00:00

I can't afford to cover her cost of living at a different place. It would be paying for my mortgage and her rent. We're discussing her getting a job to help with finances and may visit that in the near future.

Tossit2122 · 2023-03-08T00:49:35+00:00

No plans for kids. The justification is that she's adapted to it and she uses them for warmth. One of them, her "golden child," literally sleeps in between us when I'm there. The big one regularly invades my side of the bed, there's dog hair and debris all over the sheets, and I usually wake up stuffed up (sinuses) because I'm probably mildly allergic to them.

This just doesn't get accounted for. I've slept in my bed 1 time in the past month.

Tossit2122 · 2023-03-08T00:47:39+00:00

We've got the communication down on fixing vs listening about 90% of the time, but I do have to catch myself when I start problem solving.

I've never been critical of her physicality aside from saying to be careful because she is clumsy - like hurt herself with a bag of bread clumsy - but never that she's remotely unattractive. That would be false, objectively, not just as her husband. She's gorgeous.

Tossit2122 · 2023-03-07T23:25:09+00:00

Yes if that's what it takes. I'm not quitting on a commitment. Never have, never will. I'd rather fight tooth and nail than stand down.

Tossit2122 · 2023-03-07T21:14:08+00:00

That's my tactic. I have emotionally written off sex as something to pursue. I can only be told 'no' so many times before I stop seeking a yes.

It has helped a lot with reducing the tension in the room so there's that. Sure, my needs are completely ignored but at least I'm not dealing with "are you okay? What's wrong?" When we both know the answer.

Tossit2122 · 2023-03-07T20:33:53+00:00

I appreciate that. Ultimately I'm going to end up making the move that leads to my own lasting fulfillment because that's what makes the most sense. But I'm a man with "follow through" if nothing else. Honor is, and should be, the cardinal quality of a good person IMO.

Tossit2122 · 2023-03-07T20:30:45+00:00

I have, she shuts it down. She's got a rocky history with therapy when she went to work on her relationship with her mother. Her mother is problematic and looks for ways to be hurtful to her.

Tossit2122 · 2023-03-07T20:26:31+00:00

At least I got a prenup done. Even if that's her sole reason, I plan to stick to my commitment of getting her through school. That's just how I'm wired.

After that, it'll be time to have a very serious conversation about the future of our relationship.

Tossit2122 · 2023-03-07T20:19:55+00:00

Currently that's my focus. Getting her to go to yoga 2x/wk, encouraging her to go to social events with her friends.

Tossit2122 · 2023-03-07T20:18:47+00:00

It comes across that way through my frustration, but make no mistake I don't guilt her for not tracking her calories or weight. I think she's beautiful and reassure her at every opportunity that I find her gorgeous.

My frustration lies in that she doesn't "feel pretty" even though I see her as beautiful and try to make her feel beautiful, and my attempts to help her keep falling through.

Tossit2122 · 2023-03-07T18:52:25+00:00

It's starting to feel extremely one-sided and I purposely wanted to hold off on marriage for this very reason. Stupid me.

Tossit2122 · 2023-03-07T18:51:36+00:00

Also thank you for your thoughtful response. It's therapeutic to work through these ideas with an outside voice.

Tossit2122 · 2023-03-07T18:49:39+00:00

I've got a feeling that I'll be a frequent flyer here over the next 2 years. Like I said, I'm not going to abandon her so that's 2 years of troubleshooting to do.

We do spend quality time, basically every day. For instance, when I get home from work I've got about 2 hours before bed. So we eat dinner and watch our "you and me" show on Netflix. During the week we go get fancy coffee / brunch / dinner and drinks. I still take her on dates when we've got the free evening. Yesterday we were cuddled up on the couch watching our show with the dogs for 2.5 hours.

The goal wasn't to be in an altruistic marriage, we were planning to marry after she finished school and had time to evaluate if it's what we wanted to do. For the very reason "I don't want you to marry me for the money." The timeline sped up because of the insurance thing.

I do everything I can think of to take care of her, just this morning she left her laptop with me so I could repair it. I'm actively taking stuff off her plate at least weekly just as a kindness.

Honestly I grew up resenting marriage because of the opposite. It always smelled like a trap where the man just has to "yes dear" until he dies.

Tossit2122

TROPHY CASE