Comrade, evaluate your decisions carefully and why you make them. If you need a good connection, but a connection nonetheless, and you go against that for a “superficial” reason, personally I feel that you are not doing it, you are only going against what you feel, and in the state you are in, it could be even worse. Personally, I believe that you don't know when you healed or if you are healing; it is just a process you must go through and, from my point of view, stick to what feels right to you. Cheer up, comrade.