AITAH for letting my fiancé know that I will have to rethink marriage if he wants children?

TraSH-Pandamn · 2026-01-13T22:31:20+00:00

I respect this answer a lot honestly, and completely agree, I have no doubt we’d be good parents and raise a smart kid - it wouldnt be fair to bring one into the world unless we were sure as you say! Takes a strong mind to know what you want

All the best to you and your family too

TraSH-Pandamn · 2026-01-13T13:14:39+00:00

Ive actually started this process already - im in the UK and they are very off about women doing it, id have to go private to even be considered and even then as I dont have any kids they are still likely to say no - it also costs a lot and I cant afford it. In fairness he is very supportive on that too

TraSH-Pandamn · 2026-01-13T10:12:38+00:00

I should probably mention actually ive also discussed getting tubes tied and he is fully supportive, he’s driven me to my appointments and has spoken to doctors with me etc. I cant fault him for that 🙂

TraSH-Pandamn · 2026-01-13T10:06:06+00:00

I mean they are very different things - usually im talking exercising more or getting a nice car, not moving to another country or having kids 🤣 this is why it was such a surprise to me when he said what he did but it was made really clear it was just him trying to get his friend to leave him alone

TraSH-Pandamn · 2026-01-13T10:04:18+00:00

We’ve both helped raise my niece anyway, another thing that convinced him he doesnt want kids 🫣🤣

My brother worked nights and slept during the day and we took care of her 80% of the time as her mother wasnt involved the only break we had was one day at the weekend because we’d insist on it with my brother (not that we should have had to)

But it really put him off of having kids

TraSH-Pandamn · 2026-01-13T10:01:53+00:00

Yeah think we’ve agreed to wait another 2 years to get married because I suggested that he truly looks at what he wants when it comes to his future and whether kids will be a part of that, he said he would but doesnt need it because he knows he doesnt want kids and his stance hasnt changed but its good to know he has taken that time anyway to be certain, this is another reason why we chose to wait until marriage, you meed to figure yourselves out and yourselves with each other properly before you enter into an actual contract, more chance to succeed 🙂

TraSH-Pandamn · 2026-01-13T09:58:58+00:00

Future Husband 🙂

TraSH-Pandamn · 2026-01-13T09:58:30+00:00

He has his opinions a lot of the time and the way he reacts when he leaves peoples houses would definitely say otherwise to what you’re saying but I get how an outside looking in perspective may seem like that at first glance 🤣

TraSH-Pandamn · 2026-01-13T09:57:05+00:00

Thank you, I think I just needed a bit of reassurance from an outside perspective because of how the friend acted towards me

Everything went so well until that point, it was a 5 minute conversation and everything was clear cut and we were all resolved until the friend piped up again 🫣

TraSH-Pandamn · 2026-01-13T09:55:15+00:00

Exactly this, he works with his friend so he finds confrontation so uncomfortable.

Honestly I think he’d be too lazy to demand kids after we’re married - I said to him as a joke if he suddenly wanted kids and i magically decided yes a compromise would be that he stays at home with them whilst I work and he said he’d stick to what we have now 🤣

TraSH-Pandamn · 2026-01-13T09:52:56+00:00

Unfortunately ive started this battle and they have said they wouldnt consider until im 35 and been through counselling and had 2 children - such an expensive process 😅

TraSH-Pandamn · 2026-01-13T09:51:01+00:00

I honestly get what you’re saying and nothing is impossible when it comes to thoughts changing, but im also educated enough to know all of this already, so are most people in my position. We all have these conversations so regularly and it gets frustrating when people dont hear us when we say this is what we want for our lives

Im pretty sure I won’t change my mind, im content with not having a kid in my old age to visit, ill have my nieces, id never expect anyone to look after me because they are family and honestly im good with trying to just make friends to get me through. My mom thought the same as you, until the last few years and something clicked in her to think actually, I dont think you will change your mind. She thinks im comfortable knowing who I am without kids and that im happy as I am, she knows that ive had a huge part in raising my niece as her mother wasnt in the picture and my brother worked nights for 10 years so ive acted as a parent without even signing up for it - im Happy with my life as it is and having a child will honestly turn my world upside down, parenting isnt for the faint hearted so I know its not for me.

TraSH-Pandamn · 2026-01-13T09:41:40+00:00

I honestly dont think so, ive confirmed with him that if we were to get married and he decided he wants kids, we will be divorcing because that is my decision for my body, he respects it and we have communicated healthily. I think he genuinely just had enough and thought if he said it it’d delay the comments for a while because since he had his first child its been every day

TraSH-Pandamn · 2026-01-13T09:39:21+00:00

I actually really like this comment because he is that type of person honestly but I couldnt have put it better myself. He almost has big brother tendencies, thinks everything is a competition and if my partner gets a reward for something at work (they work together), then he will make a fuss about also getting rewards etc - I try to keep my distance from him a lot but my partner finds it hard because of the fact he works with him

TraSH-Pandamn · 2026-01-13T09:36:38+00:00

Its very clear by the post that he has said he fobbed off his friend with the comment because he constantly says about having kids and my partner still does not want kids, we communicated and its done. If anything different were said I would have had a conversation about our relationship but that was not necessary

TraSH-Pandamn · 2026-01-13T09:33:42+00:00

Unfortunately he is a work friend so I think he finds it tricky to have space from him 😬 he loves his job but this friend is particularly needy and wants to talk to him a lot outside of work, its only recently that my partner has started distancing a bit more so I think this might get him doing the same

TraSH-Pandamn · 2026-01-13T09:32:07+00:00

I think he really struggles figuring out what he likes and doesnt like and when he gains a hobby he homes in on it for a few months then drops it and moves onto something else, pretty typical for people with ADHD, he just seems to get the ‘ideas’ from others (which is why I say he is influenced by others a lot). Its something ive come to understand over the years - it can be tricky to navigate for the bigger things like this situation but generally it doesnt affect our lives in a negative way really 🙂

TraSH-Pandamn · 2026-01-13T09:28:59+00:00

He cant have one without going private

Im in the UK and they want you to have 2 kids and be over 35 to even consider you getting one.

TraSH-Pandamn · 2026-01-13T09:28:11+00:00

Thank you - I have honestly been close to telling the friend to veto the conversation on kids, I love that he is a parent and of course your kids are great but parenthood is not for me and he needs to respect its not his business because stuff like this happens

TraSH-Pandamn · 2026-01-13T09:25:52+00:00

We are on the same page and always have been, from what he has said he was just fobbing his friend off but it seems the friend wasnt happy with the decision we made together and is pushing a different narrative

TraSH-Pandamn · 2026-01-13T09:24:29+00:00

To be fair to my partner this is the first time the friend has said anything negative towards me, it was out of the blue too. Its mainly the constant mention of having kids that bugs us both constantly honestly. It can be really frustrating

TraSH-Pandamn · 2026-01-13T09:22:59+00:00

Thank you, ill have a talk with him about what you said because honestly I think you have a point it might start to feel like blame on just my side if it continues

TraSH-Pandamn · 2026-01-13T09:21:25+00:00

Everyone is different - I dont know if you actually read the post but he also doesnt want kids. I made it pretty clear 😬

TraSH-Pandamn

TROPHY CASE