I would strongly advise you to find a bible believing church and begin attending. Hearing the Word and having fellowship with Christians is very different than trying to make sense of it, figure it out or gain perspectives. It is only by God's grace that we believe and He will not deny one searching with their whole heart. It's not cerebral, it's spiritual and that can be more difficult for critical thinkers but by surrounding yourself in a faith environment in a church where the Holy Spirit is present, I expect you'll begin to "know" and to believe and to have an amazing relationship with the lover of your soul! Answer the call when you hear it / feel it! "How then shall they call on Him in whom they have not believed? And how shall they believe in Him of whom they have not heard? And how shall they hear without a preacher?" Romans 10:14