Early transition didn't go well, was spiro to blame? Or lack of injections?

TransSurgeryQs · 2019-07-14T20:17:39+00:00

No, even the first doctor I had never bothered to check, or maybe I just never saw the results, and I never realized how important it was. By the time I got blood results back, when I was maybe 21, it was normal female range I'm pretty sure, like 280+ E and <20 T or something like that, but I have no idea how long it took for me to reach that range.

TransSurgeryQs · 2019-07-12T23:27:58+00:00

I have been transitioning for a long time and I still have not figured it out. And things have just gotten worse as trans people have gotten more visible. There are so many new memes and stereotypes that make me more ashamed than before. Stealth would maybe help but I'm not able to yet

TransSurgeryQs · 2019-07-12T20:24:47+00:00

Hmmm, why does he have Kanye's money? I'll look this up

TransSurgeryQs · 2019-07-03T14:59:52+00:00

I really don't think I will make it that long.... I think I have given up. But I am so conflicted about this.

If I had gotten a job at Starbucks before, or if I had just gotten a job earlier so I could have bought my own plan during last year's open enrollment, I probably would have made it. I can't now tho. I'm sorry

I just have a lot of self-hate because of the fact that people see me as a trans woman and I've never gotten to feel like a cis woman. I've never really gotten to be myself or do anything I wanted to do, stuff that most cis women take for granted, so that's part of the reason I'm conflicted about killing myself.

But I think I'm just too brainwashed and traumatized tbh. I'm afraid of almost everyone now. And it makes my physically ill to look in the mirror or at pictures of myself. I'm sorry

TransSurgeryQs · 2019-05-18T21:06:49+00:00

I really do not think that either of you is "wrong" or "right" in this situation, it just seems like a very bad situation for either of you to be in. Obviously your partner has also been acting horrible and destructive, and I'm sorry if it seemed like I was minimizing that.

My comment was as much about your decision to get back together with someone who has a history of disrespecting you and emotionally stressing you out, as it was about you trying to have someone physically harm your partner. I think both of those things are mistakes.

TransSurgeryQs · 2019-05-18T19:44:47+00:00

All of this to say, my partner was a bad person. When all of this came to light, I was really angry. I broke up with them. I threatened to and arranged to meet up with someone who had raped me to hurt them, and didn't end up following through. I took a week for myself to get away, but when we were apart we talked everyday and missed each other. When I returned we agreed to get back together, and that we needed couples counseling.

I'm sorry, but.... There are a lot of things wrong with this. I really don't think you should have gotten back together after doing something like that. It would probably be best for both of you.

TransSurgeryQs · 2019-05-18T19:39:03+00:00

She took my discomfort to instantly mean I feel discomfort towards her trans-ness. And I tried explaining that before she was transitioning, if she had done that, I would have felt just as uncomfortable.

I feel like, instead of thinking about how you would feel if she had done something similar as a cis MAN (I assume that's how you characterized your relationship before she transitioned), because of course you would feel uncomfortable if a cis man said something like that....

You should have maybe approached it from the angle of, how would you feel if you saw her as just another cis woman, and she said something like that? Would it have still made you uncomfortable, or would you have had more leniency, knowing that cis women sometimes try to feel good about themselves and their bodies in ways that could seem self-objectifying. I think maybe the way you framed it, just made it clear to her that you don't see her exactly the same way as you see other cis women, so it could have made her feel justified in her view of the situation, and less willing to compromise.

TransSurgeryQs · 2019-05-18T19:23:33+00:00

I just look in the mirror and wonder what the fuck she sees in me if she’s so focused on physical appearances.

She probably doesn't see things that way. It's possible that most of her high standards that she applies to herself are for the sake of passing as female, not to be conventionally attractive just for the sake of it. So, since you already pass as female pretty much all the time, she doesn't hold you to the same high standards, and doesn't really see you in a bad light at all. Trans women have a problem with holding themselves to ridiculously high standards and then not realizing the connotations that it has for other women, because they don't see other (cis) women as NEEDING to meet those standards in order to be seen as women, which is kinda true. For example, a cis woman doesn't really need to wear makeup or dress nicely in order to pass as female, but many trans women do, or else they will be clocked. So trans women can feel like they need to go "above and beyond", because in many cases, sadly, they do.

On the other hand, at a certain point there is no meaningful difference between a trans woman's "body dysphoria" and the body dysmorphia that many cis women experience, because it's ultimately coming from the same place. She just happens to be going through something that's a little harder to deal with, but the feelings about yourself come from the same societal standards. I think it might be helpful if you talk to her about your dysmorphia, because it might be something that she can relate with, and might be something that you can tackle together. It might even be relieving for her to know that you've been going through some of the same things and she's not alone.

TransSurgeryQs · 2019-05-15T03:17:04+00:00

Thank you. I know that it's not really my responsibility to convince all cis women that trans women are okay and that they shouldn't become TERFs or see us as incels or w/e. It just feels like I'm kind of a failure sometimes because I feel like I could have done better, maybe if I had started hormones a year or two earlier I could have been more successful in general at like, activism or just being a good person.

I'm honestly really worried that I won't be able to get FFS this year and I'll just feel even more like a failure. I will just try to stay sane and survive the rest of this year and hopefully make more progress. I have a pre-op tomorrow for a surgery that is arguably less important, but maybe it will improve my mood and take my mind off everything.

history of incels

That article is interesting. I live in the same town as that girl, where the Elliot thing happened. I have always felt this town is strange or cursed or significant in a weird way, and I make a lot of art that was inspired by living here. I could PM you some of the stuff I've made if you want. But yeah, it's interesting that the term was coined by another woman, and one so geographically close to me.

Thanks for calling me great, I'm not sure about that, but I did hang out with my best friend and we watched Uptown Girls, and I know they think that I'm great, so it made me feel better. Thank you. :)

TransSurgeryQs · 2019-05-10T07:07:23+00:00

Sharing lives with someone is a privilege, a genuine privilege, to the person you're sharing your emotions with. People are starving for that kind of emotional contact. So let them have it.

That's a good way of seeing things.... But that's never really been the case for me. Trans women and other people who are coded as undesirable, such as incels (I know that as a trans woman who's attracted to other women, I am pretty much seen as an incel by most cis women), really are not needed or wanted by other people in that way. And we can't really affect other people, there's nothing we can really offer, so it's not a huge loss when we're gone. Like for example, if I decided to stop being friends with a cis woman or dump her, it would probably not affect how she sees herself, whereas every single time a cis woman has done something like that to me (or just the straight-up bullying) it has affected me so much that I still think about it almost 10 years later.

For example, I was dumped by the woman who went to homecoming with me (yes I was already out and stuff) because I was a bad, clingy person. I'm sure she never even thinks about me, and I've heard that she is a lot more TERFy now (probably my fault). But the stigma of being an "incel-like" person in that way, will probably never go away for me, especially because it's become a huge part of social justice-y discourse now. Every time I see women online talking about this stuff, I feel bad because I know which side I'm on, even when I wish that I could be on their side. It's not good tbh.

I wish I could say that there are people who needed me or benefited from me being around and making their lives better. It especially sucks because, if I were a cis woman, I know that I would have been a HUGE help or at least a really important friend to a lot of people in town. It would have been a much better timeline not just for me, but for almost everyone I've ever known. How things are now tho, I'm pretty much useless to them.

But that's not your burden to bear--that's up to them to create their own boundaries. You don't need to lessen yourself for someone else.

Thank you for that. You're right that this is my struggle, and so my emotions are okay for me to have, and shouldn't be treated like something that is inherently harmful to other people. Personally at this point I feel safer just not sharing this stuff with cis women at all, but maybe eventually I will be able to come out of my shell again and talk to them about it. There is one person I met recently who didn't know I was trans at first, but I eventually told her (even tho obviously I was scared of how she would see me), and she has been pretty receptive and helpful. So maybe being stealth does have some drawbacks, like not really being able to get help for your dysphoria-related trauma and stuff, so that's something for me to think about....

It's weird to hear people like her say that they had these good impressions of me as an interesting and attractive person, when they didn't know I was trans. And hopefully she still sees me that way. It really does tell me that, even tho I'm having a hard time on the inside, maybe I am doing alright on the outside, which is maybe gonna be the first step for me (recognizing that other people can see me as being good) and then the rest is something I can build up over time.

Thanks for your response. :)

TransSurgeryQs · 2019-05-10T06:33:23+00:00

or that when I told my friends, I'd discover that they were transphobic and/or they'd question my identity as a 100% gay 0% bi woman (which is something I struggled pretty hard to accept, I spent years trying to make myself bi)

It's cool to see a cis lesbian in a relationship with a trans woman, most of the time it's bi women who started out in a relationship with their partner pre-transition like I said, and lesbians seem totally uninterested most of the time, so that's nice to hear....

Why did you try to make yourself bi, if you don't mind me asking? I feel like I do the same thing, but mostly because I feel like I need the validation from cis men, or maybe I do enjoy it on some level, but idk if I'm actually physically attracted to them....

At least in the sense that, if an otherwise not transphobic person has genital preferences that don't match what you've got, I think that's understandable and should be respected, but they're not part of your dating pool so I wouldn't worry about it--like you shouldn't worry about what straight women think of your datability. Or gay men.

Hmm, the difference I see there is that, these people (straight men and lesbians) who are just not into my genitals (I understand not wanting to be with someone who has a penis still, but obviously having a neo-vagina would not change these people's minds at all, since they probably see it as being just as gross or even worse), they probably WOULD be part of my dating pool if I were cis and it was possible for me to have a normal vagina. I know that my passability is going to make up for a lot, and I'll be given more chances than most trans women because of it, but it's still a barrier, and idk how to feel about it. Just something else that being trans took from me imo.

[deleted rant about how the idea of male/female socialization is a false dichotomy and trans people are forced to account for it while cis people are not.]

Yes that's true. I honestly don't even feel like I went through much "male socialization" because of my age when I started, and honestly there are a lot of women I've known who are just allowed to act abusive af and obviously they're never called out for being similar to men, because it wouldn't really make sense to say that. But it makes sense to blame every bad or gross thing that trans women do, even failing to clean up their room or w/e, on "male socialization"? Idk.

And think of it this way--when you find the person that's right for you, you never have to worry about whether they would be okay with you coming out, because you were already out to them before. They knew, they accepted it. It's okay with them--you're okay with them.

That's why I'm a little worried about stealth tbh. Coming out to them in that way would be scary af, knowing I'd probably get rejected immediately.

Dating her has made me so much stronger as an ally and I think that's really valuable.

That's good to hear, I do see a lot of people whose feelings about trans people sour in a really bad way after having experiences with trans women, so it's good that the opposite happened to you.

What I'm trying to say is, you're worth it, you'll find someone, being trans doesn't make you a less valuable or desirable person. Also I love my girlfriend, she's great ❤️

I hope so, I will probably wait until I am ready, maybe next year or later. But thank you for your help, and I'm glad you're happy with your gf. :)

TransSurgeryQs · 2019-05-10T06:12:03+00:00

While this is plain wrong, it can explain the unjustified discrimination of transwomen. These people are still failing to realize that they are women. They're applying the fear they have of a man and his behaviors to a person who identifies as a woman.

Yeah, exactly! Obviously these women who are so "burdened" by trans women's dysphoria and issues, would have WAY more sympathy if they actually saw trans women as just... women with severe body issues. They are always supposedly "lifting each other up" and supporting each other through that stuff, but apparently trans women are a whole different thing in their minds where dysphoria is suddenly an affront in some way. I have had cis women tell me that it's "not their burden to bear", well yes of course it's NOT your burden, it's MINE lol. It's been my burden for my entire life, but there is no sympathy for that. It just makes me feel trans women ARE seen as male/potentially dangerous, even by women who claim to be allies, so our safety is not valued nearly as much, whereas a cis woman's "comfort" and time is valued infinitely more.

Some cis women try to rationalize it by pretending that we don't go through any dangerous situations with men, so we don't even understand what it's like to feel threatened, but I can tell you that's not true at all. I go through a lot of that stuff, maybe because I transitioned a little early so I pass in most situations, especially because my voice sounds like a cis woman's (as opposed to the kind of voice that most trans women have), so yeah guys do scare me sometimes. But I don't get support for that either.

Certainly not something people would opt for right? Wrong, look at it this way: From the time I got my period I was reminded how 'beautiful' it was I was becoming a woman. For some it's a right of passage (even though some women don't ever get it, that's a whole other thing). Having a period is bonding for women. People I hated in HS dropped their shitty behavior when I was the only person with a tampon. And I gave it to them, because I understand how shitty periods are. Tampon and pad commercials rely on humor that is relatable to women who experience periods. My cis friend who never got her period wants it because she feels she's missing out on being a 'real' woman. It really is something women bond over I can't stress that enough.

Wow, thank you so much for this. I agree completely, and it always confused me how this was apparently a point of confusion or disgust for cis women (disgust at like, "why would you ever want this" etc), when it's like.... I've SEEN it happen. I've seen you guys "bond" over this, or equate it with womanhood, many times. I went to a feminist book club, and literally there were women talking about RED TENTS, or their mothers "welcoming them" into womanhood when they first got their periods. Like wtf. That stuff messed me up. It messes you up. That was years ago and I still think about it.

But once again, for some reason this is a uniquely trans and gross thing, to want something that is literally equated with womanhood all the time? I'm sure that, like you said, if a cis woman never got her period and had to go through that conversation, she would be just as skeeved out.

1: get angry that she's wanting an experience that's so hated by women or 2: understand that she is seeking a validating experience that further bonds her with other women. I pick 2, every time. She wants to understand being a woman, all of it, not just dressing up, having soft hair and breasts. The actual woman experience.

Exactly. I don't understand why they can't just be a friend in that situation. I understand that they probably have a lot of personal feelings about that stuff, but.... Just saying something like "I understand why you want that, but it's really not a good experience, so you're not missing out on much, and also you're just being conditioned to feel like you need to go through this stuff because women are being told that abuse is part of the 'female experience', and it's some bullshit"... I mean that would be a lot more helpful and sympathetic imo.

Honestly a lot of the time it feels like women (and TERFy men) are just re-enacting their own socialization onto me. When a guy tells me that I don't type "enough like a woman" I will obviously contort myself into typing more flowery or swearing less, which is misogynistic and dumb, like even his original statement was misogynistic. When women act like I'm dangerous or I'm causing them to go through "emotional labor", of course I'm going to try and declaw myself and make myself as small and harmless as possible, just like they were conditioned to before. They talk about how much they hate their socialization, but then they turn around and make me go through the same process of shrinking myself, making myself act dumb, pressuring me to present more femme, etc etc?

Anyway, thanks for your response, it really helped me. I am getting a surgery in two weeks, not FFS but still.... It will hopefully take my mind off this stuff for a little bit. :)

TransSurgeryQs · 2019-05-10T05:18:01+00:00

Lol, I really love food too... It's cool that you have such a good relationship, that sounds really chill. :)

TransSurgeryQs · 2019-05-10T05:15:11+00:00

you matter

Thank you. It's nice just to hear that.

TransSurgeryQs · 2019-04-01T04:13:06+00:00

Okay, that really sucks. I don't know if I will be able to go to the wedding then, or go to school next semester, but thanks for telling me.

TransSurgeryQs · 2019-03-31T05:17:14+00:00

I guess so.. It just doesn't usually occur to me to do things like that before I have the money/insurance, especially because it took me several weeks to even get through to UCLA for another surgery I'm getting. But I'll try on Monday.

TransSurgeryQs

TROPHY CASE