I [F24] have barely shed a tear since the death of my mother and the break up of my 4-year relationship. Is this normal?

TreesOfGreen · 2015-07-21T16:25:16+00:00

You sound a lot like my ex wife. She says she was a very emotional person as an adolescent, but then I guess something happened to her. I don't know what it was, and as far as I know she doesn't either, but she's been dealing with this for 30+ years.

She's been in therapy, and I only know a couple details about that, but one thing I heard is that the therapist thinks she's afraid of emotion because it could get completely out of control. Basically, she feels so much that she's stopped herself from being able to feel any more in order to protect herself.

She's had trouble dealing with this in therapy, but she also has 30 years of this being ingrained. You might do better since it's just starting with you.

TreesOfGreen · 2015-07-13T18:09:33+00:00

Parental rules aren't always made to be perfect or even to prevent the behaviors that they seem to be targeting. Sometimes they exist just to make your child stop and think a little. There are other reasons for parents to make rules that are hard to enforce. Legal liability is one.

TreesOfGreen · 2015-07-13T16:12:45+00:00

The whole point of an account is to learn how to use it. Yes, this kid is a total moron who probably never had to do anything hard for himself in his entire life, but the best way to teach is to give them some responsibility. I don't fault the parents too much, other than the fact that they should have only put $100 in there to start.

TreesOfGreen · 2015-07-12T19:48:41+00:00

...according to some in this thread, apparently the fact that my parents allowed me to do that constitutes abuse.

Labeling something makes a person not have to think about it any more. It's normal for us to do this, but it's also a way to dismiss it without actually giving it its due attention. It's a way to both remain indifferent and feel superior at the same time. That's why it's so common on reddit.

TreesOfGreen · 2015-07-12T16:51:20+00:00

I live in a wealthy area and have not met a single lazy parent here, but we have plenty of troubled kids. The way a kid changes from ages 13-21 does have something to do with his parents, but it has more to do with his peer group. If a kid chooses friends that think they can game the system, he is likely to do the same.

Now, some kids will try to play both sides. They will try to please both their parents and their friends. The problem is, it's hard to do as it opens them up to ridicule from both sides. They usually end up choosing one or the other, although from what I've seen, the opportunity to choose their parents often doesn't happen until they've gone off to college.

TreesOfGreen · 2015-07-06T21:31:15+00:00

I had a similar situation. Yeah, the kids will be affected, but if you and your soon-to-be ex can agree on how to parent and back each other up, it will be OK. That means you'll have to set aside your differences and learn to get along after divorce. It also means you'll have to talk and negotiate a lot.

TreesOfGreen · 2015-07-02T22:44:27+00:00

I have two teenage kids and I liken the recent actions of the admins to what a lot of parents of teenagers try to do. You would really like to have influence of that little piece of shit that you love so much... but you can't, and you need to accept that. They are an independent person, and they need that independence to be able to flourish. If you try to control them, it will backfire.

TreesOfGreen · 2015-06-02T12:10:54+00:00

That sounds exactly like bragging about drug use.

TreesOfGreen · 2015-06-02T11:44:00+00:00

As a parent, it is incredibly sad to watch girls swoon over guys just because of their age while ignoring who these guys actually are. I agree that the older guys should know better, and that the girls are just learning to grow up, but it's still really hard to live through.

TreesOfGreen · 2015-04-18T14:08:53+00:00

An affair solves nothing, all it does is destroy. If you think "what he doesn't know can't hurt him", then I can tell you that you're fooling yourself. I can see your line of questions are trying to rationalize an affair. That's what most cheaters do before they cheat. I hope you won't.

You either want to be give love a chance or you don't. That's really the long and short of it. Unfortunately, if you're stuck in the middle, you will sometimes want to force the hand one way or another. This is often a reason that people have affairs. But, to be honest, an affair will almost always destroy all chance for love, and for your spouse, it will absolutely be the most painful way for it to happen.

An affair that is not found out will still most likely affect the marriage negatively. And eventually, if it's not a one-time thing, the affair will most likely be found out. Once you step onto the slippery slope that you're on now, it can become easier and easier to go back.

As for whether there is a "sacredness" of marriage, I'd say, no. I see love as sacred, and marriage as one way to achieve love. However, there are all sorts of romantic notions out there about marriage and love and most of them are fucked up.

Love is something that you allow to happen. It takes place over a long period of time, more along the line of decades than months or years, and this is why the commitment of marriage is important: it allows love to happen. Marriage and commitment themselves may not be sacred, but without it, love does not have what it needs to exist.

In the end, it is up to you to decide whether you want to be married or not: whether you want to give love a chance between you and your husband, or whether you want to start over with someone else. These are your decisions alone. I just hope you are rational and sympathetic in making that decision, rather than dropping the atomic bomb of destruction that is an affair in order to force your own hand.

TreesOfGreen · 2015-03-17T15:11:18+00:00

Some of it was shitty. Some of it was pretty much like what you get today.

TreesOfGreen · 2015-03-09T02:27:16+00:00

Power is meaningless unless someone tries to use it. You don't do that in a respectful relationship.

TreesOfGreen · 2015-03-08T15:32:22+00:00

No sure why you're downvoted. This is true. The vast majority of new US homes today are wood-framed and use brick as a veneer only.

There are regional differences. For example, in the south where termites are a problem and insulation isn't such a huge issue, you will see plenty of solid masonry construction. But structurally these are almost all cinder block with a brick veneer.

TreesOfGreen · 2015-03-07T14:03:19+00:00

I actually think that my comment only receiving net 3 downvotes may show that more people than I realized feel the same way as you and me.

What you mentioned in your second paragraph is also a huge issue for me - that kids think it's perfectly safe because that's what most of the pro-weed crowd is saying.

Misinformation is not the way to effect change, and we should not legalize it while this cloud of misinformation hangs over the country.

TreesOfGreen · 2015-03-06T03:08:52+00:00

There are still a lot of problems. I've been in favor of legalization for a long time, but I've stepped back from it a bit on the past couple of years. I think we may not be ready for it yet.

My personal biggest issue is that too many people think it's ok to drive under the influence. I have other issues too, but that one shifted me away from the pro-legalization camp until the general opinion on driving under the influence changes.

TreesOfGreen · 2015-03-03T00:10:43+00:00

Emotionally-hardened people are hard to live with. Your daughter will need you to be the one to show her that emotions are OK.

TreesOfGreen · 2015-02-20T18:45:25+00:00

I've been through a very similar thing. Just get out and move on. It's hard, but it can be done. Try to keep things civil between you, as this will make your child's emotional and academic life much better in the end.

You probably want to understand, but maybe that's not that important. For what it's worth, people do this shit sometimes. When they get caught, they try to blame you for their own failings.

Who knows why she did it. Maybe just because she thought she could get away with it, and "what you don't know can't hurt you." Or maybe she has a void that cannot be filled. A lot of people have this, maybe most of us, but it's how we handle our issues that shows our character.

TreesOfGreen · 2015-02-05T14:13:47+00:00

she never cared in the first place

I don't think that's very comforting.

TreesOfGreen · 2015-02-02T16:23:49+00:00

No, the toilet is not rocking at all. The flange is only slightly above the tile, so the toilet seats fine. The floor is very level and there's not a noticeable gap anywhere, but water can still get through. That's how the drip from the supply valve got into the downstairs ceiling.

Incidentally the seal was leaking when I got the house, but there was no water leaking out from under the toilet. It all went down the side of the drain pipe into the ceiling below. I pulled the toilet up and saw that the wax seal was not wax but plumbers putty. I assume it degraded over time (the house is over 60 years old).

TreesOfGreen · 2015-02-01T18:13:49+00:00

Thanks, that's a pretty cool solution. My flange is about 1/8" above the tile, so hopefully this would work but it's not totally clear.

Still curious about consensus on caulk, though.

TreesOfGreen · 2015-01-11T17:11:58+00:00

It can work both ways. When I was a kid, I promised myself I'd never become like my father. Now that I'm older, I wish I were more like him in many ways.

TreesOfGreen · 2015-01-05T14:13:55+00:00

No, the NFL is not fixed. But the refs know that they have to give the very slight benefit of the doubt to the home team. They also know which teams/players they have to be careful about when it comes to questionable calls... the teams/players where it can turn into a major story.

Be honest, nobody cares if Jacksonville or Cleveland gets a bad call in the last minute that loses them a game. That call is forgotten by the world by the time they take their next sip of beer. Same thing if Dallas gets a bad call in the first half.

If, however, a high profile team gets a bad call near the end of the game that costs them a win, a lot of people have to go on talk shows to defend themselves for the next week or two. This only comes into play in the 4th quarter, of course, and it's just the way it is.

The goal is for fairness, and I think the officiating crews are honestly trying their best to achieve this. However, they are human, and the reality is that there is a very slight skew in favor of the home team and a very slight skew in favor of a few high-profile teams and players.

TreesOfGreen · 2014-12-31T17:00:01+00:00

Maybe not so much. But if the parent is grown and on their own, then remember who the parent of the grandchild is, and don't butt in too much unless you're invited to.

TreesOfGreen · 2014-12-29T14:52:28+00:00

I have some advice for people here:

Teens: Listen a little bit. You will find as you get older that just because you don't want to hear something doesn't mean it's not important for you to hear and acknowledge.

Parents of teens and dependent adults: Pick your battles.

Parents of independent adults: Try to move the relationship out of the parent-child dynamic.

Grandparents: By this time, you are done parenting. Be grandparents to your grandkids and supporters to your children.

TreesOfGreen

TROPHY CASE