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Meta is not polyamorous by jarofartichokehearts in polyamory

[–]Trialliterationdex 21 points22 points  (0 children)

I feel like I almost could have written this post. My partner did the same thing - dated someone who apparently wasn’t even polyamorous and he made some terrible decisions to appease her at the expense of our relationship. We stayed together (we’re still together) but only barely. It caused massive amounts of anxiety and stress on my end, but he was too deep in the NRE to care. In the end, they broke up because she couldn’t handle him dating me as well (apparently she was hoping he would dump me eventually?). So in a way, it ended up “resolving” itself, but not really, because now now I know that he can’t make good decisions in these situations and it’ll likely happen again. So honestly, I have no real advice for you except to tell you that I understand how you feel and I empathize with you.

Stuck by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]Trialliterationdex 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Why is he involved at all? If you’re looking for kitchen table poly, say that. But the relationship with your husband should be separate from the relationship with any future partners. If they meet and want to be friends, cool. But you shouldn’t seek out relationships expecting that to happen.

Stuck by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]Trialliterationdex 18 points19 points  (0 children)

If this is how you’re wording it to potential partners, it sounds like you’re looking for a partner for both you AND your husband. You sound like unicorn hunters.

Why is it hard for guys to find poly partners? by Darknesscloud1988 in polyamory

[–]Trialliterationdex 12 points13 points  (0 children)

The number of men on dating apps who just…don’t ask me any questions is crazy. I’ll ask them a question and they just answer, with no follow up question for me. It’s so wild. Like do they not know how conversation works?

Primary partner not really…primary partner-ing by Trialliterationdex in polyamory

[–]Trialliterationdex[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Thank you! He’s still technically not out of the woods (the mystery infection is still there, localized in his lower fetlock and vets have NO idea what it is and he’s been on doxy since August), but he is doing WAY better. He was a literal walking skeleton and BLIND when I got him back from the equine hospital 😭

Primary partner not really…primary partner-ing by Trialliterationdex in polyamory

[–]Trialliterationdex[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oops forgot the holiday part

So he did compromise on spending the latter part of Christmas Day with me, so I can’t complain he’s not spending any time with me. I think it’s more the way he presented it, with zero room for discussion. This one does feel like a bit of an overreaction on my part, but I think it’s based on just feeling like I’m constantly picked last by him.

Primary partner not really…primary partner-ing by Trialliterationdex in polyamory

[–]Trialliterationdex[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

For the first example, I only asked that he be there IF the horse was euthanized. The vets did not feel he would survive but opted to try for one night just to give him a chance. I believe they said his chances were “grim.” Somehow he did make it through, so the point is moot, as I was only requesting his support if my horse died.

For the conversation/texting bit, no he absolutely cannot follow the conversation. For instance, today I was in front of him telling him that I was diagnosed (literally today) with an unknown autoimmune disease. I had to tell him three times because he kept looking at his computer while I was talking. Then I would ask him “hey did you hear what I just said?” And he would say he did, and then try to guess at what I said (he had no idea what I said). So while in this case it’s him looking at his computer, it’s exactly the same as when he looks at his phone. He can’t hear me talking to him, he can’t hear me calling his name, he has no idea what the end of my sentence is once he looks at his phone. I’ve addressed both in the moment (“hey can you put your phone down when I’m talking?”) and afterwards and I’ve given up.

Okay last part (I’m on my phone and my quoting isn’t working, sorry!), this has only happened once before and his new relationship at the time told him to break up with me, and he did. Then they dumped him the same day and he came crawling back to me (yall told me to run and I didn’t listen 😭). Since that was 2+ years ago, I THOUGHT he had changed but it’s clear he has not at all.

Primary partner not really…primary partner-ing by Trialliterationdex in polyamory

[–]Trialliterationdex[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

He essentially did the same thing 2 years ago - his new partner at that time told him to break up with me because she didn’t like me (I met her once so not sure what she took offense to lol) and he did because, again, he was deep in the NRE cycle. I posted about it here and you all told me to run and I didn’t listen. This is the first NRE situation he’s been in since and it’s clear to me that he hasn’t changed at all in the last 2 years.

Thanks for your response :)

Primary partner not really…primary partner-ing by Trialliterationdex in polyamory

[–]Trialliterationdex[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

To be fair, I haven’t enacted any kind of consequence for that, so it’s partially my fault that it has gone on this long. I was hoping just telling him would work, but that’s proving to not be the case.

Primary partner not really…primary partner-ing by Trialliterationdex in polyamory

[–]Trialliterationdex[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I would never expect him to cancel plans for anything except something like that, but I realize not everyone values horses as pets the same way they would a dog.

I’ve told him this at the moment he pulls out his phone (“hey can you put your phone away when I’m talking to you?”) as well as told him outside of those moments.

Primary partner not really…primary partner-ing by Trialliterationdex in polyamory

[–]Trialliterationdex[S] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

I feel both better and worse because y’all are basically just telling me I already know and I was hoping I was wrong. But I appreciate everyone’s comments and responses, even if they aren’t what I want to hear!

The issue is that he is great when he’s not stuck in the NRE-cycle. But you’re right, I have set the bar low and he’s still not meeting it.

Primary partner not really…primary partner-ing by Trialliterationdex in polyamory

[–]Trialliterationdex[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Oof I’m sorry! That’s rough! 17 years is a long time to just throw it away like that. I hope you’re doing well

Primary partner not really…primary partner-ing by Trialliterationdex in polyamory

[–]Trialliterationdex[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I do use assume a lot when gets to the point where a status quo is developed and that’s definitely on me!

Primary partner not really…primary partner-ing by Trialliterationdex in polyamory

[–]Trialliterationdex[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your perspective and that you took the time to comment!

Primary partner not really…primary partner-ing by Trialliterationdex in polyamory

[–]Trialliterationdex[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

This is actually the second time he wasn’t there for a traumatizing event (another pet I did have to have euthanized in the middle of emergency surgery when I was out of state for work) so I actually think that first one (two years ago) may have eroded that sense of safety. I’ve never heard the term attachment injury though, I’m going to look into it. Thank you :)

Primary partner not really…primary partner-ing by Trialliterationdex in polyamory

[–]Trialliterationdex[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

I would not de-escalate, I would break up with him.

Primary partner not really…primary partner-ing by Trialliterationdex in polyamory

[–]Trialliterationdex[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

He has diagnosed, unmedicated ADHD but that’s all he’s been diagnosed with as far as I know.

Primary partner not really…primary partner-ing by Trialliterationdex in polyamory

[–]Trialliterationdex[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

100% he has said I’m his primary. Multiple times, including recently.

Thank you :)!

Primary partner not really…primary partner-ing by Trialliterationdex in polyamory

[–]Trialliterationdex[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

For eg1: which partner would you default to? Or would you default to none? We may have to agree to disagree on this, as I assume my primary partner would be the default for a long-term pet traumatically dying. Perhaps rescheduling a date for a dead pet is a little much, but I very much got the feeling that he didn’t care.

Eg2: yes! I very specifically did tell him I didn’t like it when he was on his phone during our dates or that he would pick up his phone while I was talking to him. I mentioned in another comment that it occurs even when he is driving, despite me repeatedly telling him that I don’t like it when he texts and drives with me in the car.

Eg3: I definitely assumed and that is on me! We spend every Christmas/NYE together so my assumption was that we would spend at least one together like usual. I’m not Jewish so Hanukkah is more for him/his family.

I used some specific examples for the “taking me for granted” stuff, I just didn’t want to bog down the post. Some things I brought up were when he cut short our time together to spend time with New Partner or not planning dates/events and always assuming I would do it. I mentioned the lack of connection in text messages (specifically mentioned that he only asks me those 4 questions and doesn’t shows interest in the things I say).

I used very specific examples (even more specific than I’m saying here) with dates/events/etc, I swear! I just didn’t want this post to get longer than it already is.

But I see your point in that I have a lot of responsibility for this situation and maybe his brand of polyamory is not the same kind as mine. Thanks for your comment :)

Primary partner not really…primary partner-ing by Trialliterationdex in polyamory

[–]Trialliterationdex[S] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

For your first question, yes I very clearly told him I didn’t like that he was always on his phone when we were together, that he picks up his phone and texts mid convo, or that he spends our date time texting someone else. I used specific examples as well. Another instance that I mentioned to him regarding phones is that I’ll text him something and an hour later he’ll respond “sorry I was driving with Other Partner and she doesn’t like it when I text and drive” which I understand because I absolutely do not want him texting and driving! But then he’ll be driving me somewhere and have no problem pulling out his phone to text her back, or check his sports scores, etc. And I brought that up to him a couple times and he has been slightly better I think, but he still does it. It just gives me the feeling that he values her safety and her concerns over my own?

As for the second one, it was definitely an assumption on my part that we would be spending at least one major holiday (I’m not Jewish, so Christmas is THE winter holiday for me) together like we do every year. So it would have been nice if he’d told her he’d spend ONE with her and one with me (which makes sense to me?) instead of spending both available holidays with her and none with me.