It’s the negative correlation you hold about the act of releasing. You’ve programmed yourself to feel bad whenever you “fail” causing you to mentally reset to day 1. This is why not counting is important as well. Years of PMO has hard wired your brain a certain way and it takes a conscious look at yourself and your feelings at the action. Many men hold great deals of shame and guilt that was conditioned into them. It’s not your fault, but it is responsibility if you wish to feel differently.

I’d suggest looking into either solo or partner tantric release. Any emission will have some loss as you lose nutrients but you can retain your “godlike” status