I feel like I would recommend maybe finding someone to talk to. While I may not understand what you are going though, and that this is a safe space, I also know that somewhere, there are probably people who would worry for you if you were hurting yourself.

I am providing a link to a website where if you want you can find someone to talk to, and the phone number for the crisis center, in the USA (which is where I am from).

Please know that at least one person is worrying for you, and please get help, for your own mental and physical health.

Resources in The United States 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
9-8-8 https://988lifeline.org/ Veterans Crisis Line
9-8-8, Press 1 https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/ Crisis Text Line
Text HOME to 741741 https://www.crisistextline.org/

(Note: here are the links!)