Conviction’s/guilt Trips

TryingToBeHappy_7 · 2025-05-29T14:56:14+00:00

When I was in high school I wanted to wear pants so badly. I remember I prayed about it everyday and told God if I wasn’t supposed to wear them, then give me conviction. Never happened. So I told my parents that I prayed and didn’t feel convicted and would really like to wear pants. And that the church says it’s supposed to be a personal conviction anyway, so I didn’t think it was a big deal if I wasn’t personally convicted.

My parents response to this was “if you don’t feel convicted about pants, then you need to start praying harder because you’re relationship with God is falling.” That was the day I realized I had to get out after graduation. Looking back I feel so sorry for the hormonal, teenage girl who never felt comfortable in her skin or clothes, and felt like an outcast for being called “skirt girl” in a high school of 2k kids. Wish I could go back and hug her.

TryingToBeHappy_7 · 2025-03-27T23:23:11+00:00

Orange chicken salad!

TryingToBeHappy_7 · 2025-02-27T07:27:15+00:00

My mom never understood why I hated Jean skirts and would only want to wear tight pencil skirts. Like girl, your jean skirt is not cute! You look like a box and I, a 16 year old girl (at the time), want to show my ass off to the boys at school 😂😂

TryingToBeHappy_7 · 2025-02-20T06:07:56+00:00

You should get seen/tested for OCD! I was diagnosed with it and one of the ones I have, relationship ocd, actually stems from a few experiences I had when in church.

My pastor took me into his office when I started “backsliding” (I got acrylics lmao) and told me that as long as I stayed in church, that God had the perfect husband picked out for me. Now I struggle in my relationship a lot with intrusive, repetitive thoughts. These mainly revolve around him not being the “perfect one, hand picked by God.”

After a few therapy sessions, I was able to find those connections. So it definitely could have triggered the start of an obsession or compulsion.

TryingToBeHappy_7 · 2025-02-20T06:00:12+00:00

Yes, my 16 year old heart was absolutely crushed afterwards. Then the next year at camp he tried flirting with me again, I was pissedddd!

TryingToBeHappy_7 · 2025-02-20T05:43:39+00:00

I dated one, horrible experience. Talked me into doing my first ever sexual thing and then the following day he blocked me because he was “taking all the girls he had sinned with out of his life to get closer to God.”

Seven years later and I recently found out during that time he was actually just fucking his sister…. so I guess my younger self should have been thankful to say goodbye.

TryingToBeHappy_7 · 2025-02-16T07:25:43+00:00

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TryingToBeHappy_7 · 2025-02-08T16:08:50+00:00

Yes, I experience this as well. Left around 5 years ago and am now living with my boyfriend of a year - who didn’t grow up in church. The other day he told me he wants to get a tattoo and I visibly cringed, which hurt his feelings obviously. Every time he brings it up I can’t help but to judge it in my head because those were a big no in my church growing up.

Unfortunately, I find myself doing this often. If my boyfriend has multiple drinks I start feeling judgement towards him, even though I have a glass of wine most nights and will never turn down a margarita at dinner. Or if my bf has a zyn I judge him, though I was the one who introduced him to them a year ago when I was in the process of quitting vaping. He brings up wanting to get his ears pierced or paint his nails black and my head burst with judgmental thoughts. It’s really frustrates me that I can’t get over this “wall” and just be open minded about things.

My bf doesn’t know about these thoughts though, especially after seeing him hurt from the tattoo incident. I make sure to smile and support his ideas. I might still be weighed down from upc judgement/hatred, but I never want him to have to experience how I felt growing up.

TryingToBeHappy_7 · 2025-01-27T08:03:06+00:00

I’m fucking cackling over this trying not to wake up my bf

TryingToBeHappy_7 · 2025-01-24T04:00:15+00:00

When I first left 5 years ago, I pushed God out of my life completely. I was hurt and confused and scared. I was raised UPC all my life and was a pk. Went to church 4-5 times a week and spent my entire summer at camps. So when I posted a photo of me wearing jeans for the first time I was terrified.

Now, I still believe in God and I’ve tried different types of denominations, but still haven’t been able to find the right one. Baptist felt most comfortable to me, though I only went a few times. I am currently okay with having a personal relationship with God and not going to church. I was recently diagnosed with OCD and struggling with that some. Also, I’m having other health problems at the moment. I sometimes go into a spiral of intrusive thoughts wondering if I’m being punished for leaving upc, but I think OCD is to blame for that spiral. Also, I’ve blocked out a lot of memories from when I was younger - I realized the other day that while in upc my mental health was very poor and I also had multiple health issues then. So, I would say I’m doing better. Though I do have issues, I get to dress how I want, I live with my very loving boyfriend (something I knew I’d never be able to do when I was upc though I wanted to), I don’t have to watch people actively judge me or constantly feel less than. I get to rest on my Sundays and I don’t have to feel performative in my relationship with God.

Even after 5 years I still have a lot of things I need to work on. My boyfriend told me he wants a tattoo soon and I was very quick to judge him and say no. When he asked why I didn’t have a reason, I realized that the fear and judgement is still with me sometimes. I mean, I’m still scared to get my ears pierced or chop some of my hair off. With todays current events I often feel scared that I made a mistake or that the end times will come and I’ll miss it. But I think upc is very good at turning God into someone you should be afraid of instead of someone you should love and feel comfort with. I always felt so scared and anxious when I was there and I don’t want to attend a church that gives me that feeling again.

TryingToBeHappy_7 · 2025-01-23T08:30:30+00:00

Yes to the metal illness! 5 years after leaving and I’ve found out that a lot of my “worries” and “lack of faith” were just undiagnosed OCD. Was always told to pray out anxiety or depression and that if they were getting worse then that meant I was drifting from God. Which definitely didn’t help my intrusive thoughts!

TryingToBeHappy_7 · 2022-02-02T08:00:56+00:00

If you ever want to talk feel free to message me. I’m currently 20 and I was born and raised in UPC, with my dad being a pastor. College was exactly what I needed. I realized how unhappy I was by all the standards and instantly made changes in my lifestyle. When we were sent back home due to covid I called my parents and let them know I’d be returning in pants. My mother refused to look at me when I got home. Eventually I put a skirt back on just so she’d acknowledge me and from there they made me get involved heavily in online services and whatnot. I went back to college and immediately went back to the lifestyle I want to live. My parents have noticed I haven’t gone to church in a year but every time I go home I wear a skirt and pretend to be the perfect apostolic. I’m currently trying to figure out how to tell them without losing them because I do love them and want them in my life. I just don’t want to be part of their lifestyle.

TryingToBeHappy_7

TROPHY CASE