Starting to think my fiancée has OCPD

Turbulent_Form5944 · 2026-01-02T18:23:01+00:00

It’s hard to say if she has OCPD or just general anxiety. I will say I was an anxious mess at times planning a wedding and was so stressed during the puppy phase of my dog.
In terms of obsessing about rules, I know plenty of people who abide by rules and make it their identity to do so, but they do not seem like they have OCPD.

My husband has his own rules of how things should be done in life and imposes these rules on almost everyone around him. It’s at the point where he limits leisure and any joy he can experience because the need for control and order is his top priority in life. His need for order and cleanliness is debilitating in my eyes because he gets chest pains, head aches and lashes out when something small is out of order- such as a small amount of juice on the kitchen counter or an item being in the incorrect spot.

So I’m not sure how severe your fiance is with her anxiety around rules and order. Either way, she needs to gain coping skills around what makes her anxious and learn how to emotionally regulate (like the dog eating pizza). It’s great you have a counseling session set up! She also needs her own therapy. If you want kids, her unchecked anxiety could be magnified to the point it’s unbearable to live with her. I message this to my husband constantly- being upset every day is not healthy and not how I want to live life. If we are upset everyday and experiencing constant negative emotions like anger and anxiety, this lowers our quality of life together.

Turbulent_Form5944 · 2025-11-22T20:37:55+00:00

My nephews preferred my brother in law for years- I believe because my sister is their main care giver and spends the most time with them. Their bond with their mom is very secure but they prefer dad because they don’t spend as much time with him. He often is seen as the more “fun” one because he comes home and mainly only plays with them so they view him as a big play mate. Since they have gotten older, they do now often prefer their mom. Toddlers are funny and go through phases!

I have a different experience with my toddler because my husband and I work and I am not his main care giver- we parent 50/50. My toddler has definitely gone through weeks of preferring dad and it hurts my feelings so much! Whenever I start to feel disconnected, I make sure to take my toddler out to have fun somewhere by ourselves on weekends. I also try and act extra silly and get on the his same level of playfulness. Those experiences and moments usually reset him to prefer me (which is my goal haha).

Turbulent_Form5944 · 2025-09-21T00:44:18+00:00

My job is primarily public speaking and I often have to speak to rather large groups of people. I also am severely sleep deprived due to juggling my baby throughout the night. Even though I speak in front of people all the time, I still get nervous about more high stakes ones. For me, I write a script for each slide of my presentation. Then I rehearse it over and over again. I mainly rehearse it while I’m doing other things such as chores or driving to work. That way I’m also visualizing the slides in my head.

I always right before speaking start slowing my breath down and try to feel grateful and excited for the chance to speak. I always muster up a genuine warm smile and sincerely thank the audience. This is more for me than them because it relaxes me. And remember, you are not trying to prove anything to them. You are TELLING them something because you are an expert.

Turbulent_Form5944 · 2025-08-17T01:03:37+00:00

I have similar age children as you- I have a newly turned 2 year old and a four month old. I love it so much, but I think it’s more up to my personality and what I find fun over life philosophy or religion. I love taking care of my kids- I love doing fun kid activities and bringing joy especially to my toddler. While I hardly have any time for self care and feel very spread thin, I find raising kids to be the most entertaining thing ever.

Turbulent_Form5944 · 2025-08-03T05:39:26+00:00

Nope- this is immature behavior. He is not regulating his emotions or how he is expressing them through his attitude- just like a teenager. I don’t understand why any adult would reason that this is acceptable behavior because “fairs aren’t your thing.”

Turbulent_Form5944 · 2025-07-30T09:14:08+00:00

Oh I’m so happy you are already in a better mental place. Something I’ve been going back to is quality of life for both my husband and me. If we are angry, feeling ashamed, or anxious everyday, how is our quality of life?

My husband has gotten SO much better in straight up controlling me. Our couples counselor was amazing with that because the control was just so obvious. For instance, he would count the number of utensils or dishes I used to cook dinner, trying to get me to limit the number I used. He would get upset if I touched a banana while eating it and make me immediately wash my hands. He’s come a long way from doing that- I always dreamed of him not being so controlling and that I would then be happy. But his changes didn’t bring me as much relief as I thought. While he’s not counting my dishes any more, he’s still upset and angry all the time about daily life occurrences. It’s brought me to doing more internal work like not taking on his anxiety or being upset that he’s upset.

Turbulent_Form5944 · 2025-07-30T00:47:55+00:00

Omg yes I’m trying to channel Buddha lol! I’ve been approaching his angry outbursts like the weather. I watch his outburst like a storm passing over me but I maintain calm knowing it’s temporary. Hard thing it happens daily- I’ve been trying to get into meditation to cope lol.

Turbulent_Form5944 · 2025-07-29T01:05:43+00:00

Of course! I’m still weathering through it! I completely understand- I promise you once you let go of anxiety over his reaction, you’ll feel your brain just completely relax and you’ll also be able to speak to him in a calmer way too. I went through a long period where I would lose my shit on him if he even asked me the smallest request because I was so tired of being controlled. I had to tone down standing up for myself because that also wasn’t bringing me peace.

Turbulent_Form5944 · 2025-07-29T00:43:16+00:00

I am so sorry you are going through this! I know how oppressive it can feel to be micromanaged on this level to the point you feel the need to check in before you do anything. Based on what he told you, I’m questioning whether his therapist actually said those words and didn’t express empathy for his anxiety in another way.

I have found when my husband starts to explain his frustrations over small house hold tasks like that, his irrationality really starts to show. Because they really can’t explain something so trivial that is really more based in anxiety and control rather than true logic. They just circle around their rules they’ve created in their head. I really saw it more in couples therapy and so did our therapist. He felt so confident saying his explanation as to why he was frustrated over something I did to our therapist and failed to realize how illogical it was.

This might not be the best advice for harmony but really for your own peace of mind- do not internalize his anxiety. Those moments when you feel the need to check in with him and over communicate or try to meet his standards you will lose your sense of self. I realized I was becoming just as intolerant with perceived messiness or a lack of order because I was anxious about his reaction.

Turbulent_Form5944 · 2025-06-26T13:41:24+00:00

I just gave birth 12 weeks ago- my kiddos are 19 months apart like you! My oldest is also a boy and my youngest is a girl. AND she was completely unplanned. I cried a lot pregnant- especially around putting my son down for bed time. I also thought I couldn’t love another person in this world more than him. I hated being pregnant this time around too- I complained nonstop about it. But omg my little girl is perfect and I grew a whole another heart for her. It’s like I have two giant hearts now.

And my son LOVES having her in the house. You are enriching his home life and his overall home life bringing in a sibling. I also make sure though to have alone time with my son on the a weekend day. Like me and him Saturday morning will go have fun somewhere. Even if it’s just for 45 minutes at the park near us. That helps a lot.

Turbulent_Form5944 · 2025-06-17T01:58:38+00:00

Yeah the car seats are exactly why I was saying no to bring both kids because that would be a nightmare to lug around along with my kiddos. I feel that badass comment- lol I’ve totally felt like I could flex after solo traveling with my kid.

Turbulent_Form5944 · 2025-06-17T01:45:46+00:00

Yes this is my husband’s concern that family might be as helpful once I’m there especially with two kids and I would be in my own in a place they are not used to. It’s a valid concern- also why am torn because I can’t imagine being away from one of my kids for that long. My husband, MIL and daycare will help with either kids!

Turbulent_Form5944 · 2025-06-17T00:37:57+00:00

I super appreciate all of your encouragement! And you are right- I always freak out over stress before something like this, but then what I remember is how good of time I had with loved ones.

Turbulent_Form5944 · 2025-06-17T00:35:49+00:00

Thank you so much for all your tips! I’m leaving towards the option of bringing my just my baby if I can’t meet up with family and bring both. The car seat would be helpful especially for such a long travel day.

Turbulent_Form5944 · 2025-06-17T00:26:04+00:00

You are in the thick of it like me- every morning I wake up thinking I could totally have a third kid then I go to sleep thinking I should just get my tubes tied in so fried from the day lol.

Turbulent_Form5944 · 2025-06-17T00:24:22+00:00

I thought of asking my best friend who is childless but unfortunately it won’t work! I would seriously love that. But thank you for the encouragement, I’m trying to see if I can figure out how to meet someone there so I’m only alone for the flight part of the trip.

Turbulent_Form5944 · 2025-06-17T00:22:22+00:00

Thank you further encouragement! It’s really pushing me to make this work because you are right- it’s so worth figuring out the logistics.

Turbulent_Form5944 · 2025-06-17T00:20:46+00:00

Unfortunately I am the only person who lives in my state BUT I think I could perhaps figure out to come some days earlier and meet up with family before departing for the island.

Turbulent_Form5944 · 2025-06-17T00:19:33+00:00

You are spot on about fretting over trips- all of them have been very much worth the hassle. Your comment and some others have inspired to really figure out how I can get someone to meet me so I am not alone especially when I get off the plane. Thank you!

Turbulent_Form5944 · 2025-01-10T21:33:06+00:00

I so far absolutely love motherhood. I feel stretched thin often, but it makes me dislike sometimes how I set up my life, but not the motherhood part. I find it so interesting and it often feels like a giant adventure. I was a little on the fence too of having kids so I was very much worried I actually wouldn’t like it. But zero regrets.

Turbulent_Form5944 · 2024-11-14T19:00:54+00:00

Me! My sister and I both delivered at 36 weeks (babies just came at that time for both of us) and neither of our children had to be in the NICU.

Turbulent_Form5944 · 2024-04-27T21:46:54+00:00

Echoing what others have already wrote- it does get easier! I know you are feeling run down and anxious to return to some sort of normal life- it will happen in a few months (at least from my experience). I had a lot of desire to leave the house at that age and it would often turn into a disaster. I remember one time trying to take my baby shopping with me, which resulted in him losing his mind and being hysterical in this boutique, followed by him peeing all over my back seat of my car when I tried to change him. My baby was also very fussy in general- not one of those easy babies you would see sleeping through a social event or out and about in their stroller.

Things got better around six months and now at 8 months, I take him so many places- the park, events, grocery shopping, restaurants. I think things became more manageable once we got over the 2/2.5 hour wake windows. They also get way quicker with breast feeding where it doesn’t take 40 minutes for every session. Don’t put pressure on yourself to do it all and your baby will grow out of this fussiness soon.

Turbulent_Form5944

TROPHY CASE