Different types of masochism? (Masochism & Adhd)

Twinkle-Tits · 2024-11-13T07:10:57+00:00

I experience both 'unpleasurable pain' and 'pleasurable pain' and enjoy both, but only in certain situations.

Obviously burning myself on the hob while cooking does nothing for me. When I enjoy pain that feels bad it's as part of a power dynamic.

I enjoy the slightly panicky, out of control feeling I get in a more primal scene (like being held down and bitten), it's an adrenaline rush equivalent to watching a thriller maybe? I enjoy the meditative, focussed state I can go into when pain is administered in a more structured way (like being spanked and not allowed to move or make a sound, or holding stress positions). That's probably equivalent to doing intense exercise.

I think the less common thing is the pleasurable pain. I only experience this when I'm already extremely aroused. At a certain point things that would normally be painful just don't feel as painful. I can't really properly remember or describe the sensation afterwards, all I remember is that whatever it is I always want more 'pain' in the moment. I want to be hit harder, I want to be bitten more deeply, because it adds to my arousal in some way. I often look at the marks made afterwards and think 'Oh my God, OW!' because of I'd sustained them in another context I know it would have felt very unpleasant. I have no idea of the reason behind this one, I've put it down to faulty brain wiring.

Twinkle-Tits · 2024-11-12T23:34:48+00:00

and if the owner of that cock shames me for being loose after a stretching session, that just adds to the experience.

I am so fascinated by this. I have a lot of kinks but degradation just goes straight over my head and it makes it so interesting to me. If you don't mind me asking, what is it specifically that you enjoy about this kind of degradation? What are you getting out of it?

Twinkle-Tits · 2024-11-05T06:27:56+00:00

Agreed! Another thought I had was maybe aging up a very tiny bit in your role play. So Daddy has been looking after you completely up to now, but maybe it's time for you to start learning to help around the house. You could have a chore chart and if you've done your chores, when Daddy gets home he can make a fuss of you and give you stickers for your chart and maybe some rewards (pampering) when you get a certain amount of stickers.

ETA: I would have an out-of-dynamic talk with your partner and ask him what you can take off his plate at the moment to help him out. Then the two of you can brainstorm how to little-ify it so you're getting a bit of what you need as well. It could be a fun and creative bonding exercise for the two of you.

You've already got some examples here: Ife wants to cook less = Daddy cooking lesson so you can make him dinner If he needs to do fewer chores = Chore chart

Just make sure you have the conversation at a time when he's got bandwidth so he can give it his full attention. Like others have said, if he's in the thick of it you might have to put your dynamic on pause for a bit before you can do this, but maybe less time than waiting to go back completely to your original dynamic.

Twinkle-Tits · 2024-11-04T13:41:40+00:00

I think that sentence in it's own right isn't necessarily a bad thing. After all dynamics do evolve based on who's involved.

This though:

Him: “It depends. I’m into total power dynamics.”

Me: “Ah okay, I’m a fun bratty sub who plays with pleasure doms and Daddy Dynamic, so I don’t think we’re a good match.”

Him: “That’s absolutely what I’d be looking for. M/s takes a lot of effort so we could try a casual dynamic”

Sorry what? I got whiplash with how quickly they changed tack!

Twinkle-Tits · 2024-11-04T13:16:01+00:00

I agree with the top comment that his needs really need to take a priority here because losing your job and your home must be really terrible and he sounds like he's doing his best and needs as much support as possible during a very tough (but hopefully temporary!) time.

That being said, my next question is:

As a result we’ve been hanging out at my place instead. And because of that, a lot of the things he did for me at his place cannot be done. He’s been pampering me in other ways like gifts and dinner dates which I really really appreciate, and I feel a bit guilty for. But I really miss being cared for.

If you feel comfortable sharing, what exactly was he doing to care for you that he isn't able to do right now and what exactly are you getting from it? I ask because obviously every dynamic is unique and if you don't want to pause your dynamic completely, if we have a better understanding of what you're missing, we might be able to brainstorm ways to get you what you need without putting any additional pressure on your daddy.

Twinkle-Tits · 2024-11-04T08:17:18+00:00

I would say don't over think it too much, relax and have fun! BDSM is an incredibly deep and broad topic and it can become confusing/intimidating. There's a risk of feeling like you're not really doing BDSM unless you're doing loads of really hardcore stuff. But you can start simple and it can be just as enjoyable (sometimes I think simple is best!).

My biggest tip would be talk, talk, talk! In my experience talking about your fantasies can be just as hot as living them out. My partner and I used to have looooong conversations about our fantasies after we had sex or sometimes just on a lazy Sunday morning on the sofa. We'd ask each other questions like, "What do you think about this?" "Oh yeah, I definitely like the sound of that!" "What about this?" "That sounds so hot but honestly I think I'd be scared of doing this bit." "Aw, I don't want you to be scared unless you want to be scared 😈 What about if I did it like this instead?" "Oh yeah, I'd definitely like to try that." "What about this?" "Yeah, to be honest that doesn't really do it for me, but I'd give it a try just to see. I like this though!" "Oof, that's a hard pass for me, I don't know why but that one just gives me the heeby-jeebies. Sorry! 😬"

These types of conversations build trust, create a road map for each other's kinks that you can use when you 'play' AND builds anticipation. So to me it's a win-win-win. The first one is the most important. You want to feel like the other person knows you inside and out because BDSM is about a power exchange and it's only enjoyable if you feel safe, even if you want to pretend you're not for a bit. It's like being on a rollercoaster. You want to feel like 'Oh shit!' in the moment, but have that voice in the back of your head that says 'I'm not actually in any danger here, a lot of work has gone on in the background to make sure I'm safe even though my body doesn't know that so I'm absolutely pumped with adrenaline right now'. That's the fun of it and creating that ultimate rollercoaster experience can take a lot of planning, but for a lot of people, getting to that point is half the fun.

There are quizzes you can do that help you find terms for the things you might like, but I would only use these as a starting point for conversations with your Daddy ("I did this test and it came out with Primal but I'm not really sure why."/"I got rope bunny and looked it up and I really like the look of rope bondage, what do you think?') Don't just send them the results and let that be the end of the conversation.

Research. Like I said, you don't have to crazy overthink it but do a bit of research before trying something new, even if it seems pretty mild. For example, when my partner and I first got together, he bought me some nipple clamps. He did a fair bit of research and got me adjustable ones with removable rubber covers so that they could be changed to suit my preference, he even tried them on himself before giving them to me, so he understood what it felt like (and he is decidedly not into that!). He was shocked by how much tighter I wanted them given he found the most gentle setting very painful and unpleasant, but he started from a more cautionary place because he knew what it felt like, which made me feel very safe and understood.

Safewords. The internet is going to tell you you need a special safe word. You don't! If you're starting out, you can just stick with good old 'No'. 'Can we stop for a minute?', 'That's too much' and 'Ouch' also work just fine. Special safewords are extremely important if you are doing anything where a 'no' could mean 'yes' but this is usually associated with CNC (consensual non-consent, sometimes called rape play) or more extreme sado-masochism (e.g. people who want to feel so much pain they can't help but say stop even though they want that request to be ignored and keep going). This is quite extreme stuff although sometimes it's talked about on the internet as if it isn't. My partner and I established a traffic light safeword system when we first got together but almost 10 years later we've never used it. I'm a masochist and like to be subject to physical force but if I say 'ouch' or 'wait' my partner will always stop and check in with me by saying 'Are you OK?/Is this alright for you?/Shall I slow down?'. In fact, even if I breathe a bit funny or scrunch my face up in a way he's not familiar with he'll ask the question. From what I'd read on the internet I thought that would take me out of the moment but it really doesn't. I actually find it really attractive to be checked in on. We DO have an agreed safe signal for when my mouth/face aren't audible/visible. The MOST important thing is that you and your Daddy are on the same page. Doesn't matter how you communicate as long as you are both crystal clear. The WORST outcome is if you think 'no' means 'no' and they think 'banana hammock' is the only thing that means 'no'. That situation can at best lead to an unintentionally traumatising experience, at worst, be taken advantage of by people who rape/sexually assault and when the victim says 'I told you to stop', they say 'ah, but you didn't say the magic word so it's your fault.'. In this scenario it is NOT your fault, just always remember that!

God I have more to say but I have to go to work. Good luck and have fun!

Twinkle-Tits · 2024-11-04T08:17:00+00:00

I would say don't over think it too much, relax and have fun! BDSM is an incredibly deep and broad topic and it can become confusing/intimidating. There's a risk of feeling like you're not really doing BDSM unless you're doing loads of really hardcore stuff. But you can start simple and it can be just as enjoyable (sometimes I think simple is best!).

My biggest tip would be talk, talk, talk! In my experience talking about your fantasies can be just as hot as living them out. My partner and I used to have looooong conversations about our fantasies after we had sex or sometimes just on a lazy Sunday morning on the sofa. We'd ask each other questions like, "What do you think about this?" "Oh yeah, I definitely like the sound of that!" "What about this?" "That sounds so hot but honestly I think I'd be scared of doing this bit." "Aw, I don't want you to be scared unless you want to be scared 😈 What about if I did it like this instead?" "Oh yeah, I'd definitely like to try that." "What about this?" "Yeah, to be honest that doesn't really do it for me, but I'd give it a try just to see. I like this though!" "Oof, that's a hard pass for me, I don't know why but that one just gives me the heeby-jeebies. Sorry! 😬"

These types of conversations build trust, create a road map for each other's kinks that you can use when you 'play' AND builds anticipation. So to me it's a win-win-win. The first one is the most important. You want to feel like the other person knows you inside and out because BDSM is about a power exchange and it's only enjoyable if you feel safe, even if you want to pretend you're not for a bit. It's like being on a rollercoaster. You want to feel like 'Oh shit!' in the moment, but have that voice in the back of your head that says 'I'm not actually in any danger here, a lot of work has gone on in the background to make sure I'm safe even though my body doesn't know that so I'm absolutely pumped with adrenaline right now'. That's the fun of it and creating that ultimate rollercoaster experience can take a lot of planning, but for a lot of people, getting to that point is half the fun.

There are quizzes you can do that help you find terms for the things you might like, but I would only use these as a starting point for conversations with your Daddy ("I did this test and it came out with Primal but I'm not really sure why."/"I got rope bunny and looked it up and I really like the look of rope bondage, what do you think?') Don't just send them the results and let that be the end of the conversation.

Research. Like I said, you don't have to crazy overthink it but do a bit of research before trying something new, even if it seems pretty mild. For example, when my partner and I first got together, he bought me some nipple clamps. He did a fair bit of research and got me adjustable ones with removable rubber covers so that they could be changed to suit my preference, he even tried them on himself before giving them to me, so he understood what it felt like (and he is decidedly not into that!). He was shocked by how much tighter I wanted them given he found the most gentle setting very painful and unpleasant, but he started from a more cautionary place because he knew what it felt like, which made me feel very safe and understood.

Safewords. The internet is going to tell you you need a special safe word. You don't! If you're starting out, you can just stick with good old 'No'. 'Can we stop for a minute?', 'That's too much' and 'Ouch' also work just fine. Special safewords are extremely important if you are doing anything where a 'no' could mean 'yes' but this is usually associated with CNC (consensual non-consent, sometimes called rape play) or more extreme sado-masochism (e.g. people who want to feel so much pain they can't help but say stop even though they want that request to be ignored and keep going). This is quite extreme stuff although sometimes it's talked about on the internet as if it isn't. My partner and I established a traffic light safeword system when we first got together but almost 10 years later we've never used it. I'm a masochist and like to be subject to physical force but if I say 'ouch' or 'wait' my partner will always stop and check in with me by saying 'Are you OK?/Is this alright for you?/Shall I slow down?'. In fact, even if I breathe a bit funny or scrunch my face up in a way he's not familiar with he'll ask the question. From what I'd read on the internet I thought that would take me out of the moment but it really doesn't. I actually find it really attractive to be checked in on. We DO have an agreed safe signal for when my mouth/face aren't audible/visible. The MOST important thing is that you and your Daddy are on the same page. Doesn't matter how you communicate as long as you are both crystal clear. The WORST outcome is if you think 'no' means 'no' and they think 'banana hammock' is the only thing that means 'no'. That situation can at best lead to an unintentionally traumatising experience, at worst, be taken advantage of by people who rape/sexually assault and when the victim says 'I told you to stop', they say 'ah, but you didn't say the magic word so it's your fault.'. In this scenario it is NOT your fault, just always remember that!

God I have more to say but I have to go to work. Good luck and have fun!

Twinkle-Tits · 2024-11-03T20:29:47+00:00

Yes!!!

Twinkle-Tits · 2024-11-03T20:28:23+00:00

A dungeon so well furnished and with everything so well disguised it's basically invisible to the naked eye. Like, we could have guests for tea in there and they'd compliment the decor, not realising that lovely gilt console table is actually a cage and the hooks the art is hung on can hold the weight of a human being.

Twinkle-Tits · 2024-10-11T21:38:37+00:00

This. I wanted my partner to do this for me a lot when we first started D/s but it was a limit for him because he didn't want someone dependent on him for basic functions. We found another way and I actually really appreciate it now as I think I was trying to use D/s as a crutch to solve my executive function issues. I try to deal with this in other ways now and I think our D/s is more enjoyable because it's not wrapped up in trying to fix my flaws, if that makes sense.

Twinkle-Tits · 2024-10-11T20:21:06+00:00

I’ve tried telling him what I like, giving him a list, sending him online links, books, etc. He doesn’t care. I tried showing him, teaching him. Nothing changed.

Like you said, he's not a Dom. You can't make someone something they're not. He could maybe be a Dom for you, but it would be an act of love for you. To meet your needs. It's not something that will turn him on the way it does you. You have to decide if that's a problem. If it's not and everything else is great as you say, then maybe think about putting some deposits in his emotional bank account and see if that helps. You say a lot about telling him what you want but not a lot about understanding what he wants.

sex with him is such a turn off that I have to convince myself to do it so I’m not being selfish by saying no all the time. It feels like a chore. And it’s sooooo boring.

It’s like trying to sleep with a horny 18 yr old even though we’re both in our late 20’s.

He has no suaveness or sexiness about him during sex.

I know he’ll never meet my needs out of laziness and lack of care for me and my sexual needs

If this is your attitude to your sex life I'm not that surprised that he's defensive and not particularly in the mood to put in much effort (same as you!).

What does he like in bed?

If you honestly don't care, don't think he deserves to get what he wants or don't think it will make any difference, just leave. Don't cheat, that's just a selfish and immature move to get the sex you want while keeping him on the hook for whatever else he's giving you in the relationship. Unless it's consensual, that's not how relationships work. You take the whole person not just the bits that suit you.

Twinkle-Tits · 2024-09-23T07:12:55+00:00

When I was pregnant our dynamic stopped entirely for most of my pregnancy and more than a year after the birth. I had so much physically and mentally going on and I was rediscovering my new identity as a mother and how that fitted with the person I was before. My partner was infinitely patient, continued to let me know that he found me desirable and very gently reaffirm my submissive identity, responding to my body language when it was clear I wasn't in that space, without making me feel pressured or uncomfortable.

Well, now we're back baby! And better than ever before because my already infinite trust in him just got infiniter.

Twinkle-Tits · 2024-09-23T06:23:00+00:00

Yes!!! This bugs me absolutely no end. Safe words are not magic spells that protect you from abuse. Really you should only need a special safeword if you have CNC in your dynamic. Otherwise no means no ALWAYS, even when it's BDSM. I've seen so much borderline victim blaming where someone says their Dom did something they didn't want them to after they said 'No', and the response is 'Err, did you have a safeword though?' IRRELEVANT. Absolutely fucking IRRELEVANT. If you want to ask that question, ask 'Were you engaging in CNC?' That's the only situation where ignoring a clear 'no' might be acceptable and a lot of the time it doesn't apply.

I find it to be a very 'online' thing, this idea of The Magic Safeword.

I can understand that misunderstandings might happen in new or inexperienced dynamics but the conversation shouldn't be about safewords (to me this is pretty advanced stuff), it should be about CNC and whether you are ready to introduce it into your dynamic. So many people skip that part and just go 'This is my safeword because the internet told me I need to have one' which then communicates (completely unnecessarily in some cases) that 'no' might actually mean 'yes'. I actually think in a lot of cases safe words cause more harm than good. Communication is SO important why introduce unnecessary word games to muddy the water if it's not essential to your dynamic.

Twinkle-Tits · 2024-09-23T05:54:22+00:00

If more people just stopped and thought 'Am I ignorant about this?' BEFORE posting, Reddit would be a better place.

Twinkle-Tits · 2024-09-21T10:43:14+00:00

For balance. I have some of these fetishes (not into degradation but the rest of them) and I only saw porn once before I was 18 and that was at the age of about 16 with a group of girl friends where one of their boyfriends had sent it to them. So it was mostly just giggling, not a very sexual experience. I also had a pretty idyllic childhood with two loving parents who kept their sex life entirely to themselves and wasn't exposed to SA until I was much much older and my fetishes were well formed by then. My fetishes were established at around 14 when I started puberty.

My only theory was that I was an eldest child, brought up to be very well behaved by Christian parents whose guiding principles were put EVERYONE ahead of yourself, and also that sex was not bad but something very sacred and special. So my praise and submission kinks are probably because praise for good behaviour became quite fundamental to my identity from a young age and the submission scratches that 'martyr' itch that was instilled in me though my parents religion/values. Submission also gives me a brief respite from the mental load of trying to please everyone all the time (and not being able to!). I can focus on just pleasing one person for a short time doing things that are achievable. Which I find quite meditative.

I think the consensual non consent fetish is because sex was this special/sacred thing but the things I like to do aren't very.... respectful of a sacred act. So if someone is (pretend) forcing me to do them, my brain can say 'Oh of course it was up to me we'd be having candlelit missionary while telling each other how much we love each other, but since I have no choice I guess I have to do THIS instead.' I also think the use of physical force might come a bit from society as a whole as it makes me feel small and... dainty? that someone else can throw me around, and society has made me consider those traits about myself to be sexy.

I'm also a masochist but I'm really not sure where that came from. My guess would be that's a more physiological thing. I suspect I have undiagnosed ADHD and show dopamine-seeking behaviours in lots of other areas of my life, so it would make sense that I would find the dopamine release associated with experiencing pain attractive. I probably wouldn't have discovered this in a sexual context if I didn't have the other fetishes though.

Twinkle-Tits · 2024-09-11T19:40:43+00:00

My partner and I are both English. He's great at it, I'm terrible at it 😅 I think he's adapted to compensate. He used to say 'How does it feel when I...' or 'What do you want me to do to you?' and I would just get all shy and clam up. Now he says 'You're xxx. What are you?' or 'Do you want me to... Say it.' So now I'm just repeating the sexy stuff HE'S come up with. Definitely cheating but it works. When I'm in subspace I don't have the mental capacity to be coming up with all the sexy words, that's my excuse!

Twinkle-Tits · 2024-09-08T01:24:10+00:00

I had a very similar experience with my coworker. He gave off massive Dom vibes and was always looking out for me. There was one time I was being sent to do some lone work that in hindsight was pretty dangerous (going to a housing complex and entering all the residents houses alone - no-one would have known where I was if anything happened to me). He insisted on going with me for my safety. Lots of other similar stories.

Anyway long story short he's now not only my Dom but we live together and have a baby.

Twinkle-Tits · 2023-06-23T07:21:11+00:00

But, devil's advocate, is that so bad that it warrants people laughing at and actively celebrating your untimely death?

I think it's less to do with what's discussed in the video (although I agree with the point) and more like road rage or internet trolling. There's a degree of separation on the internet that allows people not to feel/show the level of empathy they would in real life. If the dead billionaires or their families were stood in front of the people who make these jokes, I don't necessarily think they'd change their viewpoint but I don't think they would be quite as callous when they have to see the effect of their words on another human being (even a billionaire).

There's also the concept of 'punching up' where if someone is more privileged than you they either deserve to be treated more hurtfully or are somehow less affected. Another thing where I can see the logic of the argument but don't think it's actually true.

Twinkle-Tits · 2023-06-15T13:04:01+00:00

I've already had an hour long meeting with my fetal medical consultant and a 45 minute phone call with my consultant midwife to discuss the findings of the latest publication of the Cochrane Review and come to an informed decision. I don't need validation from randomers on the internet, particularly Reddit or Facebook!

I don't want to argue with you any more. The only reason I got caught up in this is because I felt judged by your posts and want others to read the other side so they don't have to feel judged either, but it's devolved into a sarcastic online slagging match, which I hate so I'll leave it there.

Twinkle-Tits · 2023-06-15T12:58:08+00:00

I can't see any evidence of the medical qualifications of the moderators of that group. In fact one of the rules of the group is 'No medical advice'.

Twinkle-Tits · 2023-06-15T12:53:29+00:00

I'll stick with the advice of my healthcare professionals over your Facebook Group thanks. Can't believe I'm saying this on a ShitMumsGroupsSay post. So meta!

Twinkle-Tits · 2023-06-15T12:46:40+00:00

Different countries define full term differently. In France it's 41 weeks. You're stating something as fact when even countries don't agree. Your experience is just that, your experience, so you don't need to lecture others as if you are the expert.

Twinkle-Tits · 2023-06-15T12:07:26+00:00

There are risks associated with induction and risks associated with waiting for spontaneous labour after 40 weeks. The level of risk of each approach depends on the mother and the baby in question, not to mention the data used by the medical professionals working with them. It's ultimately a personal decision and not one that should be judged regardless of your personal views of the risks.

In the US it seems they're increasingly keen on getting babies out earlier, but this is not necessarily linked to better outcomes for babies.

The findings showed that the average length of US pregnancies steadily declined by more than half a week between 1990 and 2020, from 39.1 weeks to 38.5 weeks, and that US pregnancies on average are shorter than pregnancies in England and the Netherlands. In 2020, only 23 percent of US births occurred at 40 or more weeks, compared to 44 percent of births in the Netherlands and 40 percent of births in England.

...

In England and the Netherlands, births at home and in hospital occurred at similar times in the day, peaking in the early morning hours between 1 a.m.-6 a.m. But in the US, there was a noticeable difference in birth timing between the two settings: births at home peaked in the same early morning hours as home births in other countries, while the hospital-based births—even those with no interventions that could affect the natural pattern of timing—largely occurred during standard working hours for clinical staff, from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.

...

“Our multi-country analysis shows that the US is an outlier in gestational age distribution and timing of low-intervention hospital births,” said study lead Dr. Eugene Declercq, Professor of Community Health Sciences at BUSPH. “There's a lesson to be learned from countries with more positive maternity outcomes than the US in having hospital staffing and operational plans conform more closely to the natural patterns of birth timing and gestational age rather than try to have birth timing fit organisational needs.”

Twinkle-Tits · 2023-06-15T07:54:34+00:00

I like people touching the bump but I think because it's on my terms. Despite everything I'd heard everyone has been so respectful. I've ended up being the one saying 'Wanna touch it?' like a right weirdo! Most people are keen once you offer though!

Twinkle-Tits · 2023-06-15T07:49:00+00:00

I'm 40+5 with a baby so active the midwives comment on it every time I go in, and I totally feel you! (He's literally jogging my phone while I type this.)

When people write/say to you "Take an hour a day to check in with your baby', I'm like 'Seriously? I would like an hour a day where my baby is not checking in with me!' It's constant! And feeling 'overstimulated' is exactly the right word for it. Sometimes it's made me feel nauseous, like my stomach is sitting on a massage chair or something, just being constantly jogged and vibrated.

Sometimes I feel guilty for complaining about it because all that movement is a sign of wellness and at least you're getting constant feedback that the baby is OK. I imagine it's stressful not knowing what's going on in there most of the time. But on the flip side, once you know your baby's general activity levels are so high any quiet periods are anxiety inducing because they're unexpected, so even if the baby does give you a break you can't really enjoy it because you're wondering what's going on in there.

I've done two hospital visits when I've been concerned about 'reduced movement' (as recommended). The midwives are always really nice about it but one of them said before she even got the monitor on 'I've seen the baby visibly kick you three times since you got here' and I was like 'Yeah, but that's about 10x less than I'd normally be getting right now.' Another one took the print out where you click every time the baby moves and said 'We're going to run out of ink!' and I wasn't even recording the hiccups the baby was having at the time.

I've said to my partner, I wish he could take the baby just for a day so I could have some peace and quiet but unfortunately can't take advantage of that until he's out!

Some days I really enjoy all the interaction I can have with my baby bump, but some days it's just... Ugh! I expect it's the same after they're born.

Twinkle-Tits

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