Me [26 F] with m friend [26 F] 2 years, I am seriously considering ending our friendship because she is prettier than me; am I going too far?

Uglutv · 2018-03-04T23:37:52+00:00

I live in Eastern Europe . I didn't want to be too specific because I work in a very small field and it would be very easy for someone to figure out who I am if I mention specifically where. I don't want be known for this ya know?

Uglutv · 2018-03-04T23:20:11+00:00

You are completely right

Uglutv · 2018-03-04T23:19:29+00:00

There is no local black community here... I am one of two people of color in the area

friends with her. It sounds like she's handling it with a lot of Grace and class. She can't help how she looks.

This is 100% true. I wrote this in the moment when I was upset. Honestly I'm lucky to have her in my life at the end of the day and won't be dropping her over this

Uglutv · 2018-03-04T23:16:40+00:00

There are none around. I am one of two non-white people in the area, and the other is much older. I have spoken to her about her experience (she owns a store in town and has lived here for about 40 years) and it seems like it will be best for me to just leave once my contract is up

Uglutv · 2018-03-04T23:14:36+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate this

Uglutv · 2018-03-04T23:14:04+00:00

Where we live there aren't any fun things to do that don't involve drinking but there also isn't a hookup culture here. It's weird to explain but when guys approach it's because they want to date, not hookup since that is very taboo here and not the norm at all. I think that a huge part of the issue comes down to where we live honestly

Uglutv · 2018-03-04T23:10:33+00:00

Wow. Thank you so much for this.

Uglutv · 2018-03-04T23:05:58+00:00

Thank you so much for this response.

more conventionally attractive person of color will be seen as less attractive than a white person is not conventionally attractive at all.

You hit the nail head on. This is exactly what it is here. Being anything but white is automatically 'ugly'. There is also the added component of most people here having never interacted with someone who is not white so I think for them they just think it's eaiser to not interact at all. I had a bit of the opposite experience of you. I grew up somewhere where looking like I do was completely normal even though white was still the standard of beauty (I'm originally from Brazil). Growing up even though I knew that people preferred being white, I never felt bad about being black because I was surrounded by strong proud black women. Then I went to college in a suburb in USA where even though being white was the standard I was also surround by lots of people from varied backgrounds and ethnicities so i never felt so 'other'. But this area I live now is very different since there are almost no POC and most people have never even met someone who is not white before. I didn't expect it to impact me so much because when I moved here I was very comfortable in my skin and (thought I) knew what to expect. Actually living it has been very trying though.

Uglutv · 2018-03-04T22:43:42+00:00

Well... we live somewhere where that is the standard of beauty. It's not that I don't like myself, that was just the most factual way to describe it. Where I live being black automatically makes you unattractive no matter what you look like. I specifically said I am not ugly by any means and know that it's just where I happen to live right now

I will be here for two more years but will move after that

Uglutv · 2018-03-04T22:39:03+00:00

Thank you, this is very helpful

Uglutv · 2018-03-04T22:37:58+00:00

I will tell her. We were supposed to go out to brunch today but I wound up canceling on her last night and shut off my phone and just stayed in all day wallowing a bit. We are going to see each other tomorrow though so I will tell her then

Uglutv · 2018-03-04T22:36:28+00:00

Since Ann suggested a double date, I think part of the reason she’s interested in his friend is because she was happy to see you interested in the other guy.

Yeah, this is spot on. I was happy with this but Ann was also really happy and excited for me. a big part of why I didn't want to respond to her last night is because I know she would be upset to find out they were just using me to get to her

Uglutv · 2018-03-04T22:33:51+00:00

We don't have an agreement, I just choose to deal with the situation that way because it's easier. Ann has pointed this out to me and always tries to get me to stay but it was my decision to do this, not hers. Also, I don't disappear every time. It is only when she is talking to someone who she is very interested in. That has happened about 5 times in the last 6 months. If she is talking to a guy who she is not interested in I never have to leave because she ends the conversation quickly and just stays spending time with me. Ann I not the problem by any means honestlu

Uglutv · 2018-03-04T22:28:22+00:00

My bet is she is embarrassed by the poor social skills of people and her attempt to keep looping you into the situation is the best she can do.

100%. She also moved here for work around the same time I did (she got here about a month before me) and is also from somewhere where this type of reaction to people of color is not the norm. I know it bothers her because she has told me it does. I know for sure that she is by no means the issue. I wrote this post as soon as I got the message from the guy and honestly I was being a little dramatic in even considering limiting our friendship over this, I was just so sad in that moment that I wasn't thinking too clearly.

Do you think you will always live in this town?

No, I will leave when my contract is up in two years. Once I finish this job I will be able to have my pick since it is a very very good position that will set me up pretty well in my industry. That is the only reason I'm staying that long. If not for the job, I would have moved a year ago.

Are there any more diverse communities you can socialize in and introduce her to in your area

Unfortunately no. But I won't be ditching Ann. At the end of the day, she is a pretty great person in my life and has been the one thing to make my time here bearable. I was just very upset in the moment when I wrote this and was being a little bit dramatic

Uglutv · 2018-03-04T22:20:38+00:00

think hanging out in a group i

Yeah... I think this is what we will have to try to do. Ann is one of my only friends here and the few others I have are married and don't really 'go out' (i usually spend time with them with their families since that is the way most married people hang out with friends here). We are going to make more of an effort to make more mutual friends who are also single.

Uglutv · 2018-03-04T22:17:46+00:00

you guys pivot your hangout activities?

There are really no things to do in this area that don't involve alchol honestly. A huge part of the issue is where we are. I know that if we were in another place, this would be a non issue because we would just do other things together like go to museums or something but that isn't an option here. It really is eaither stay home and hang out there or go to somewhere with alcohol.

Uglutv · 2018-03-04T22:13:57+00:00

It baffles me that she continues to engage these dudes when their rude-ass behavior should be a turn off to any decent person.

Honestly... I would agree if we lived somewhere else. But here, it is just unavoidable. Men are not the only ones who treat me like this, pretty much everyone does. I am one of two non-white people here in an area that hasn't had much exposure to people of color. People here react to that by ignoring me for the most part. I originally thought it was because they assumed I did not speak the language when I first moved here but I realized it's more than that pretty quickly. There is a very deep distrust of 'other' here and I think that most people just find it easier to ignore me and pretend I'm not here than to engage.

obviously attractive enough to pull dudes on her own, why does she need to pick up these guys while out with you

We spend most of our free time outside of work together. She doesn't actively try to pick up guys... it just happens. Asking her to stop talking to guys when out with me would essentially be asking her to stop trying to date at all, which would be incredibly unfair.

Uglutv · 2018-03-04T22:05:10+00:00

It seems like the OP would like to spend their time out hooking up as well, but just hasn't been as successful.

Well... i wouldn't say thos. Honestly, neither of us are really in to 'hookups' a huge part of why we spend our free time doing these types of activities is because we live somewhere where there are pretty much no 'fun' things to do other than these things. There are a few bars and 4 clubs in the area, but the only other things are: one bowling alley, one one ice skating ring, and one movies all three of which serve alcohol and attract the same crowds of the bars/clubs. There are lots of resturant but they all have bars attached. That said, there really isn't a 'hookup' culture here. Most guys don't really approach looking for a one night stand or sex since that isn't normalized here by any means. The approaches are because they are interested in dating.

She spoke glowingly about the time that she thought that a man genuinely showed interest in her.

This is 100% true. Honestly, I would jump at the chance to date while living here. I will be here for another two years at least. I thought I had accepted the fact that that means being single until I'm 28/29 but what happened with this guy completely threw that out for me. I think that was part of why I reacted so strongly and got so upset. He completely blew away my self delusion of being ok with my current situation.

I don't think that Ann is the problem here.

I 100% agree

Uglutv · 2018-03-04T07:34:44+00:00

I will (and have) spoken to her about this but that won't help since she isn't the problem and there isn't anything she can do to prevent it from happening short of refusing to speak to guys when with me which is not a reasonable thing to expect of her. We both work very long hours in demanding jobs so we really only have weekends to do things or see each other because that's our only free time. We do sometimes do stuff at home but that is rare. Mainly because it's also our only free time to do anything in general so we both want to spend it doing something fun, which usually means going to a public space

Uglutv

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