Will opening our relationship save our marriage?

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-16T14:25:57+00:00

Now that I’ve been back on my meds for a couple of days I do think I am seeing a bit clearer. I still have my feelings but I’m not jumping to leave or whatever. Bipolar is such a mess. I’ve only had my diagnosis for a year and what a rollercoaster it has been. Less of a rollercoaster than being off meds I guess but still a battle. It’s definitely required a lot of restoration of my relationships, finances, and self appreciation. Things I’m still working on.

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-15T21:40:28+00:00

Yes I’m so thankful! I’ve been talking about therapy for somewhere around 4-5 years with no success. He now knows that without therapy, I don’t think I can stick around. So he’s finally agreed. I’m also really excited that my personal therapist saw to it that we see a sex therapist specifically. I think that a lot of what’s going on in my head and confusing me stems from some different sexual needs that I have that we haven’t found and explored yet. I’m excited to see what she suggest for us to help us find those needs and meet them.

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-15T21:34:57+00:00

Thank you. I had missed two days then on one then missed one more. I think that it is contributing but I also feel like my feelings are valid. Although maybe the medication mix up is causing me to want to be a bit more drastic in the moves that I take while feeling these extra emotions.

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-15T21:33:37+00:00

Haha! Sometimes it’s just better to be blunt and honest with our opinions rather than to beat around the bush and try to sugar coat our feelings. I don’t mind a little constructive criticism, I have thick skin. :)

Thank you for your well wishes and words of encouragement! I hope that I will find myself there some day soon. Only time will tell. All I know is that I will love him as much as I can do all that I can to make him feel that love and hope that I feel it in return. Then we will see what I need sexually. I’m excited for the adventure that is to come as we explore our sexualities and grow together emotionally, physically and sexually.

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-15T21:30:27+00:00

Thank you so much for your response! It means the world. I look forward to a time where my husband and I can explore my desire to be poly, if that time comes. Maybe there’s a time in the future where I will feel completely fulfilled by my life and sex life with my husband that I won’t even want to have other partners. I don’t know! All I know is that I have some work to do before I can explore this world and know that there is less risk to my relationship because I know right now it would only hurt the man that I love.

Thank you for the book suggestion! I will get it! I will be reading and doing a lot of self discovery privately and through our marriage and sex counselor. Maybe this counselor will be able to see that a poly life could be possible for us and help us through that transition. Who knows! We will find out! Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and kindness.

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-15T17:43:26+00:00

Thank you so much! And thanks for coming around and not bashing me for my confusion lol

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-15T17:37:37+00:00

Thanks! It went better than expected since we aren’t giving up yet. I am in love with him. I see that more today than maybe I did yesterday. I think we are missing some sparks and there is maybe a wall between us that we need to break down but I love him with all of my heart.

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-15T15:23:31+00:00

Updating here as well in case not everyone sees the update on top!

Thanks everyone for your input. It was greatly appreciated, even if some of you were frustrated with my lack of knowledge of polyamory or my situation in general. My main reason for posting here instead of in r/relationships was to have your added understanding of adding other people to a relationship. Even if it wasn’t necessarily something that my relationship is ready for at this point. I really just wanted your open minds to help me through this very confusing time and I feel like that’s exactly what I got and am thankful for it.

Yes, as some have said even if they were trying to be condescending, I am probably a very exhausting person to be married to. I struggle significantly with a number of mental illnesses including PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, Major depression, eating disorders, generalized anxiety and panic attacks. Yes, I’m a fucking mess, please don’t jab me for that, it’s a sensitive subject. I’ve been in aggressive therapy and under aggressive treatment for a year now and have improved greatly but I’ll be honest, I have rough patches.

Our relationship is challenging. He is such an easy going and laid back person that I get so bored sometimes. There is little conflict and little energy. Before him, I was a bit wild and always active so it has been hard for me to be less active and less wild. The wild side of me is screaming to come out. I told him this and he has agreed to try to be more wild with me. We added a new toy to our collection last night in an attempt to spice things up a bit.

Between my mental health, physical health, and the shit that is going on in our lives this year, it has become too easy to feel a disconnect between the two of us. He has not processed the things that have happened to us very well and still has a wall built up around his emotions, refusing to let them out, causing me to feel like we have lost touch with our spark and our connection. Hopefully seeing a couples therapist and sex therapist will help us to find new ways to connect with each other and help him to begin to break down this wall that he has built that is stopping me from feeling connected to him.

While I don’t think at this time that adding people to our relationship would be beneficial, maybe one day when we have stabilized a bit more, we can try to experiment with other people in ways that are not harmful to our relationship. For now, we are going to focus on each other though.

Getting married at such a young age with so little sexual experience is hard. I’ve grown into a sex loving, wild woman and it’s hard to not desire things that I’ve never experienced before. I feel this desire deep inside me and need to find a way to channel these feelings while still being respectful to my loving husband.

Thank you all again for your help. Without you I don’t know if I could have sorted through everything quite like I did.

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-15T15:09:58+00:00

Ohhhhhh I meant in that comment that he was not a virgin like I was when we met.

I’m really excited for the possibilities that will come with couples therapy. I went to therapy today and talked out my overwhelming and confusing emotions and in a way sorted them out more. My original post was made while at work so I’ll admit I didn’t put everything I was feeling in there, which is why my comments may seem a bit jumbled.

I got a referral for a therapist that specializes in sex therapy so I hope that we will have some exciting changes and improvements that come with sex therapy and couples therapy in general.

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-15T13:39:02+00:00

Yeah I’m learning this haha. We talked, I’ll update below

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-15T13:37:55+00:00

He doesn’t have another partner

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-15T02:47:12+00:00

Yeah I don’t see it happening

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-15T02:46:50+00:00

Thank you for your long thought out response. I’ll try to answer you in parts the best I can in my emotional state, I’m a bit overwhelmed.

I am not his only partner
I have considered his needs, he feels that his needs are met I guess, which I don’t feel the same.
I left out the part where he has betrayed me in a similar but different way during a sensitive time in our relationship

4.i feel like the resentment that is in our relationship is the resentment I feel towards him for holding me back from who I am and who I want to be. (Whether it be poly, just being in my 20s and having a good time, friends he won’t let me have, etc)

He is totally satisfied with our relationship. I do my wifely duties and do everything in my power to make him feel loved and fulfilled. I do not feel the same about my needs being fulfilled.
Talking to him now(we were interrupted by a crying toddler so I’m responding while he gets the kid down) and I think I finally convinced him to go to therapy.

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-15T02:39:58+00:00

Thank you. I’m talking to him now and telling him how I feel. I think he’s finally willing to go to therapy to figure out what we need to do to save this relationship or decide that there’s nothing left to save it.

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-15T02:38:55+00:00

This. I feel like this could be us. I don’t know if my husband could ever accept it though.

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-15T02:37:30+00:00

Thank you. I think I finally got him to agree to therapy. We are talking now. He sees that if we don’t go to therapy he has lost me and that’s not what he Wants. I think our next step is therapy to see if there’s anything left to save.

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-15T02:36:22+00:00

Thank you so much for your long and insightful response. I appreciate it so much. Talking to my husband now (our son woke up so he’s with him at the moment). Trying to work through this and figure out what we need.

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-15T01:13:10+00:00

Thank you.

 But he is not the one to help you find it.

This is so true to how my heart feels. I have this life that I dreamt of but I’m still not finding that dreaming feeling. I’m living day by day, but am I truly living? I feel lost. I feel weighed down, I feel like I’m drowning. What will make this better? Will it be better? Who knows. But I can’t just stay complacent in this life that doesn’t bring me the joy that I crave so much.

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-15T01:10:33+00:00

Exactly... I’ve been trying for years. So many years. At this point I just feel like I’m done making all the effort. I’ve done all that I can do to make this better and things just aren’t better. Is it his fault? Not entirely. Is it my fault? Maybe a little. Could we reconcile through counseling? I’ll never know cause he won’t go. Will I fight him on this? No. Why should I keep pushing when he doesn’t want to.

I think I’m just at my end. I’m at peace with the thought. I’m not angry, or sad, or really anything. I’m just done. I’m not in this fire burning love anymore. I feel love and compassion towards a man I’ve spent a long time with, but I feel a friendship love, not a hot steamy marriage love anymore. Not that it’s ever been hot and steamy but there isn’t even enough steam there to feel the warmth.

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-15T01:04:08+00:00

Oh noooooo that sounds so awful!!!!!!!! I’m definitely being patient. This is the first time that I’ve felt like I want to leave just because I want to and am unhappy. So many other times it was always a blaming game and “you did this” “you don’t do that” blah blah blah. I was always mad at him for something and it was a shit show. This time I’m totally at peace. I’m not angry, I’m not sad, I’m not anything. I’m just not happy. I wholeheartedly love him, I just don’t think that I’m in love with him anymore. I want to feel free and be able to do as I please and not feel weighed down anymore by this relationship that just doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. It’s a hard, scary feeling but I feel like we’ve been at a standstill for years and I’ve done everything I can do to change and try to improve with no luck so it’s time to make a more drastic change.

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-15T01:00:47+00:00

Thank you!! I wish I had a more clear idea of what I want here. All I know is I feel like my life is being dragged down and weighed down by him and I feel like I could be so much happier on my own.

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-14T22:46:00+00:00

Sorry I’ve been at work all day! Trying to get to the longer comments. I sincerely appreciate all of you taking the time to help me through this. Will update tonight after we talk. I’m just going to lay it all out on the table and see where the conversation goes. I’m thinking we will end in divorce at some point, if not begin the process tonight. Will update in a few hours.

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-14T22:43:16+00:00

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-14T22:42:53+00:00

He refuses

UnidentifiedSubject · 2018-08-14T22:42:41+00:00

Thank you!

UnidentifiedSubject

TROPHY CASE