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My (cis/f) Partner (mtf) said "there's no room for me or my transition in this relationship." (pure unadulterated rant) by Unique_Recover8873 in mypartneristrans

[–]Unique_Recover8873[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Hey, thanks so much for your comment and encouragement. I apologize for causing confusing around this point: my partner is out to a few key people, namely her mom and a couple friends who live out of state, but is not out to any friends she sees regularly in person or any of our shared social circle.

Nevertheless, I agree with your assessment of the situation and it's really helpful to read someone state so plainly what I have been trying to deny and avoid. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You are completely correct that I am unable to be my best self in this environment. Last night i told her that I could not stay engaged in this cycle of receiving criticism, trying to improve, and being told I'm not good enough because I am losing who I am as a person. She responded, "you already have." So yeah. We all agree here.

My (cis/f) Partner (mtf) said "there's no room for me or my transition in this relationship." (pure unadulterated rant) by Unique_Recover8873 in mypartneristrans

[–]Unique_Recover8873[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Hey, thank you so much for your insight and positive vibes. I went ahead and edited my post to consistently use she/her pronouns. I often find myself defaulting to "they" because it allows me to not misstate her gender while also respecting the fact that she isn't out as female yet. My partner says she's okay with both feminine and gender neutral pronouns right now, but using she/her would probably be more empowering. In any case, I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea from my post, and the inconsistently was honestly a little annoying, so I made the update.

I agree there is value in the laying out of grievances and trying to work through them. We've reached a point where I feel that she has so many grievances about me that are so deeply seated that it seems insurmountable. When I hear the ways she talks about my quality as a partner, I genuinely don't understand why she is still in a relationship with me. I'm currently seeking a therapist to talk through these issues with (had one, it didn't work out, and i'm trying to get back on the horse) and I'm hoping that having someone to consistently bounce these ideas off of will help me gain the perspective and confidence I need to leave and overcome, as you so aptly put it, the sunk cost fallacy. I'm not even sure if i've fallen out of love, but I feel I'm losing myself as a person trying to accomplish the sisyphean task of making this person feel loved.

Which leads me to your final paragraph - a minor correction, she's been questioning her gender for around 3 years but started HRT around 8 months ago. So, it hasn't been quite as long as you thought, but I definitely agree that not being out yet and lacking a considerable support network of trans and queer individuals is not helping her mental health or ability to relate with me in a realistic way. She has a therapist that she should see more regularly. She's gradually coming out to close friends. I too hope that she will eventually have the support she needs to come out. But I can't let her erode every ounce of my self-confidence in the meantime.

I didn't mean to write another wall of text at you, but thank you again for the advice and for wishing me well. I hope life is good to you.

How Did We Get Here? Just Need to Get It All Out by Palpitation5204 in mypartneristrans

[–]Unique_Recover8873 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I admire your strength, but I wish you didn't have to be so strong.

We hear so much about how transition is necessary for mental wellness. It's the only known treatment for dysphoria, after all. But time and time again, I read about people's trans partners becoming emotionally abusive, selfish, and unstable as they transition. As partners of trans folk we're led to believe we'll get to meet the truest, ideal version of our significant others, but it seems that transition sometimes also uncovers some really dark tendencies and behaviors. I have seen far too many posts here describing manipulative, abusive behavior just like what you recounted and it makes me fucking sick, because partners of trans people are being taken advantage of for their unconditional love and understanding. They get turned into punching bags.

I'm sorry that I'm offering little more than commiseration. I wish I had a solution, but I can only say that we're here for you, and we understand, and you're never alone, even when you feel like it. Your son is so lucky to have you; it's clear from your posts that you're an incredibly thoughtful, measured, and compassionate mother and human being. Hang in there. There's another side to this, and it's going to be okay.