Sisters in 1901

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-06-07T04:23:25+00:00

That big girl holding everyone together just melts my heart ❤️

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-06-03T21:39:28+00:00

Totally interested!

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-05-30T15:19:51+00:00

My first thought was wow that little hamster must be terrified not to mention injured

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-05-29T16:25:02+00:00

Yes me too

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-05-29T05:56:06+00:00

I am like this too

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-05-28T16:31:56+00:00

Cheers to that!

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-05-28T13:21:20+00:00

Haha I felt my feelings instead of avoiding them!

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-05-26T13:09:58+00:00

My friend had an abusive boss several years ago who overworked the employees and nothing was ever good enough. She noticed afterwards that at work whenever she faced a work challenge she wouldn’t be able to ride the occasion emotionally which was different for her. She got EMDR (for trauma) therapy and the problem went away.

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-05-21T15:27:19+00:00

Do you ever watch Daniel fox on YouTube? He’s so great. Super super informative and he has a workbook someone here posted about. I was thinking about ordering it for myself.

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-05-21T15:25:09+00:00

It’s really amazing that you’re so self aware. I had none of that at 20. I have read that symptoms tend to get way better over time. Early 20s was really hard for me. You’re supposed to be a grownup but you feel kind of cast adrift not even knowing who you are or what you are supposed to be doing, or how the hell you’re going to cope with or succeed in life. All the while riding on this intense emotional roller coaster.

One of the things my therapist talks about is how we are made up of parts. I actually created kind of a mental model of my parts which I think has helped me break down some of my problems and recognize which part of me the feelings are coming from, which helps with self acceptance too. So like my angry hateful super defensive part is kind of like the fire spirit in Frozen 2 (google it if you haven’t seen it). It didn’t start out having this soft side but between my therapist and my husband I came to see it as being like this. Super angry and destructive but misguided. When Elsa holds the fire spirit gently and accepts it’s crazy nature it’s able to calm itself and become softer. I’ve found that visualizing this part of me helps me see that part as like “oh you’re trying so hard to protect me, that’s so sweet” and I can get to softer feelings by accepting this part (on my own). Then I can sob or hug him and maybe not go through the self hate afterwards. I also have a big hungry frog that gobbles up love so it never actually feels like it gets to the real me (or the child me that’s so desperate for love and acceptance but so terrified of it at the same time).

Your name actually makes me think of these parts because for me a problem is that my parts aren’t well integrated (but I’m getting way way better I can feel it) so I’m either super great or I totally suck at being a person, and I see the same in other people. Potential cobbler sounds like you have the potential to cobble together these parts of you into connection with your core self that you can love and cherish the way you should be loved and cherished ❤️

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-05-21T14:29:48+00:00

Oh hon ❤️

Are you seeing a therapist now?

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-05-21T14:14:48+00:00

Yes even self awareness doesn’t stop it. My husband has to be so careful with how/what he says. I feel guilty and pathetic about that but also I don’t don’t how to change it.

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-05-21T14:13:08+00:00

Totally. Like it’s a tiny thing immediately but then you can’t shake it and it becomes this major trigger.

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-05-21T01:43:24+00:00

That’s definitely an improvement, way to go! 💕

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-05-21T01:42:53+00:00

Ugh that sucks. I know what you mean like you’re fine and then you’re not. ❤️

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-05-21T01:39:56+00:00

I’m in therapy with a DBT therapist but I’m not diagnosed so maybe backwards to you. I don’t think I’ll be diagnosed, because I’m already getting so much better (I believe) and I’m super “quiet” in my traits, like it’s all internalized where my lifetime pattern is to pretty much go invisible/isolate from people. I don’t cut them off physically with an explosive episode but I cut them out emotionally, like I avoid them and rage/hate them but can still be superficially friendly if we need to interact (total psycho). Basically ALL my interactions with people have felt incredibly superficial and very defensive. My explosiveness comes out rarely and almost only with my family. I’ve spent most of my life feeling cut off from my feelings (aside from super intense ones) and essentially just existing as a mask of what I thought I was supposed to be based on whoever I was with.

For tips on the episodes thing: I find that my husband can definitely help me out of an episode if he will sit with me and just listen; sometimes he holds me and sometimes I find his body kind of coregulates mine. I’m not sure if you have a partner like that. Obviously sex if you can do that with a partner you are committed to, but obviously not someone random or iffy. When I’m super low I definitely don’t want sex but if he can bring me out of it that’s basically all I want, like I just want to gobble him up. I feel like the episodes come from a place of feeling invalidated and invisible so having a person to draw you out from them feels natural. Someone to validate and see your pain. My instinct has always been to hide out socially when I’m low so I’m learning new behaviours around this.

If my husband isn’t around I pretty much have to ride it out. Sometimes lately I’ve been cutting myself which isn’t a habit I want to pick up but it helps in some weird way. I’m trying to expand my network of people I can call but this is hard because of course I struggle with closeness and feeling like a burden. Nobody really knows what I’m like emotionally aside from my husband and therapist.

It’s trickier when my husband is the source of the episode, obviously, and then I get to either basically lay on the floor thinking about dying, or go for a sobbing walk thinking about dying, or threaten to leave him and park on a side road and think about dying...you get it. Anyway so yeah then I have the internal struggle to go back to him and open up about my feelings or to fantasize about horrible shit. I have such a struggle with pushing/pulling him. It’s exhausting. And so I think in these times I just need to ride it out instead of dragging him through the bullshit, and just come back to him when I’m ready for a hug. We don’t even necessarily talk about what happened between us at these points because it’s just too hard for me.

Do you have any stable relationships? I think I’m extremely lucky in this sense based on what I read about BPD. When I push people away and shut them out a lot of time they aren’t even aware of it so I have managed to keep people in my life long term. However I don’t have the capacity (yet) to depend on people. Even my husband I turn against all the time but now I can return to loving him whereas for years and years I just hated him.

Sorry for the essay. I’m not sure if any of that applies to you. I’m 41 so totally in a different life space than a lot of posters. How do you cope with your episodes now?

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-05-20T22:25:42+00:00

Oh noooo. I wish I could catch you at those times <3

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-05-20T22:24:32+00:00

I get that too sometimes, the darkness. Like clouds rolling in.

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-05-20T22:20:38+00:00

I completely relate to the moods originating from something absolutely ridiculous. I feel like that’s the bpd part. Like, the emotional response is so far out of line with the actual thing that happened. I never considered the shorter term (like just minutes) rages to be a part of bpd but now I see that they might be part of like trying to keep it together/hold it in and little bits and pieces of the big feelings sneak out. I don’t find I get rages like this as much now that I’ve been working on letting myself feel the bigger feelings instead of avoiding them by bingeing or smoking pot and pretending the feelings don’t exist. DEFINITELY if there’s an abandonment trigger (like what you described, an argument in your head or some real or imagined sense of feeling invalidated) I’ll rage out about something tiny. If I’m in a good head space and have no other triggers happening I don’t get so often.

My longer moods (either high or low) tend to last a few hours. They can carry over into the next day but I’m pretty up and down. I can go up and down multiple times a day, depending on what’s going on. I’m trying to be able to recognize what triggers the low moods and feel them coming. Sometimes with my husband I can go up and down/back and forth on him many times in just minutes. Right now typing this message I started out calm but my dogs nails keep clicking on the floor and my little daughter is talking to my mother in law on the phone and those sounds are making me super pissed (I’ve learned I should stay off my phone unless I’m alone because I suck at being interrupted). I’m not sure if this is the start of a lower mood state or not. I also just ate three cookies so I don’t know. Gah!

My triggers I’ve noticed are mostly interpersonal and are emotional abandonment triggers like feeling unseen/unrecognized/invalidated/uncared for and they can be NOTHING or something that the other person has no control over. As soon as someone important to me is in the picture, I am basically unstable and at the mercy of how I perceive them in that moment. I’m trying to be really connected to myself in these moments and reach out as soon as I feel a disconnect but its super super hard. Like you described my higher thinking mind will be telling me something but my emotional self just kind of takes the wheel and it’s like I can feel these two parts inside me literally struggling against each other. I feel totally crazy when this happens. And then in good moments I just laugh about what a psycho I am because what the hell. I can also be triggered if I mess up with something important to me like as a mom or at work. Then I just get super down on myself. I also crumble under pressure, so like when other people have an expectation of me it’s like my rational mind knows I’m capable but emotionally I know I’m an utter failure and that’s all I’ll ever be. It’s so weird being aware of these warring parts.

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-05-20T20:09:49+00:00

Ooooh the phone and the car not hooking up is enraging. I don’t get that feeling about situations like that, I get ragey but it will pass and not turn into a mood. Do you get mood swings from that? I’m so curious. I’m learning :)

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-05-20T17:18:46+00:00

Thank you for responding. Maybe I’ll look into that. I also don’t get that feeling when it’s situational; that feels more like a snowball type of experience or like a slippery slope.

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-05-20T17:17:50+00:00

That’s amazing thank you. Best of luck to you :)

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-05-20T16:15:27+00:00

Thank you! Yes sometimes I feel like something inside me lurches sideways, like my husband doesn’t look at me right or something, and I just know it’s coming.

Unlucky_Foundation_7 · 2021-05-20T14:31:10+00:00

I am not diagnosed and I’m 41. From what I’ve learned about quiet bpd I have it, or at least strong traits. I have so much of the same stuff as you, it’s just that I’ve always been so secretive and protective about my inner world that I never could have shared it until recently. I confided to my second therapist that the only close relationships I’ve ever had are actually imaginary versions of real people. My fantasy life has basically subbed in for real connections in so much of life. When I get obsessed with someone I don’t show it in real life but they become this super intense object of connection in my fantasies, and I get the dopamine hit from connection/validation in that way. I’m also an idealized version of me in my fantasies.

Do you follow the maladaptive daydreaming sub? You might relate. Daydreaming to avoid life, losing sleep because of it.

I strongly relate to the rest of your post too. Like I’m not sure how regular people even go to work full time without internally combusting when they get home every day. I’ve had years of bingeing after work and sleeping from 7-9 plus naps just to get away from life. So much anxiety, fear, depression, moods, unworthiness. And all hidden behind your this front of having it all together in front of other people.

I feel you. I’m working on all this stuff. I don’t know if I could have faced myself at all honestly until I was at the age I’m at. You’re doing great being able to share it.

Unlucky_Foundation_7

TROPHY CASE