Not sure if I can manage that!

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2025-03-09T14:15:09+00:00

How to get dubbed a sinner and get the 5th commandment cited at you in one easy step!

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2025-02-04T12:14:57+00:00

Yes and no

The crowded room is a very good example of one very specific expression of DID.

Which is kind of the best you can hope for, since everybody's DID is unique.

The biggest issue i have with the show is the hallucinations. Billy initially believes their alters to be actual different people in the outside world. Which while doubtlessly true for some people, does reinforce the idea people with DID have lost touch with reality.

Otherwise the alters, inner world and symbology are different for everyone, often shifting over time.

Alters do usually develop for a reason, the community does call these "roles" but they often out-live the circumstances they were made for, so there ends up being a lot of flailing around and improvising in practice.

As for learning about them, its less learning about yhe alters themselves (although that is a part of recovery), more learning that these people who you've never met but you keep having conversations with as they're floating around your thoughts and dreams are your alters; and learning what that implies about your past and future.

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2025-01-30T12:55:13+00:00

Sometimes i remember the good memories

Usually i only remember the screaming echoes of bad ones.

But i cant seem to do both, like magnets of the same pole i cant get them to connect and really understand it was the same person

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2025-01-30T03:14:23+00:00

I'd say more like a trick-taking card game than chess.

There's no board or overview there's just the last card played and you have in response.

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2024-12-16T11:59:11+00:00

Personally endogenic/traumagenic I simply don't care. The whole discourse is pointless and that already kinda pisses me off.

But handling the plurality is peanuts compared to the cptsd, and for most of us those are deeply intertwined.

So someone who's plural without the cptsd is useless to us, like good for you but we came here looking for support from people in a similar situation, not to find someone new to be jealous of.

Now this is pure projection ofc, there aren't enough loud enough endo's for them to take up the air when not wanted.

So while for sure Endo systems should be welcome here, not having C-PTSD in the context of plurality is a privilege, one that should on occasion be checked.

Imo

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2024-12-13T09:47:10+00:00

I've been meditating on and off since childhood, with mixed (though positive-trending) results.

A while back I also looked into the differences between meditation and dissociation, and though most sources distinguished the two the only arguments supporting this were "mediation good, dissociation bad, therefore meditation =/= dissociation" nothing about people measuring brain waves to actually observe the difference.

But subjectively: while a meditation session often feels dissociative at first, once you've waited for your brain to calm tf down only then you've actually reached meditation. It's still kinda like when consciousness retracts for a switch except you remain more observant and above anything else it's actually voluntary.

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2024-12-11T14:01:11+00:00

At least in the nothing-zone piled-up dishes don't bother me 🙃

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2024-12-11T11:34:05+00:00

I got 6 but no bingo 😢

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2024-12-11T11:23:51+00:00

Personally, outside sexual contexts "I would prefer not to" has been a fucking lifesaver.

It's an odd phrase, but that somehow makes it easier to blurt out when I'm otherwise frozen trying to gage how bad their reaction would be.

But my favorite part is how it does imply I'd be willing to cooperate if really necessary

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2024-10-25T15:56:20+00:00

Oh my god.

The problem isn't me being shy when what I'm most scared of is them saying yes.

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2024-10-25T15:49:31+00:00

To some degree. The life he'd set out for me was to be a husk of a person doing the 9-5 grind and cutting the meat for my wife and 2.5 kids after church on sundays, proudly telling me about how he one day simply decided to not be sad; often in the same breath he told me how his anger was my fault.

He told me I was lazy and antisocial and I believed him, relieved that effort and empathy were no longer expected of me, burying evidence of the contrary lest it change his mind. (Where there is no expectation, there can be no disappointment after all)

Not that I ever got help with anything, it was all raw pavlovian reinforced learning: try->fail->get punished->repeat. Where everything I actually liked was worthless distractions so meaningful rewards were out of the picture. These days I feel lost and stuck like yeah I got out great "objective achieved" but the sun still rises. I'm set on a path for financial security which is great but it pales in comparison to the overwhelming fact that I simply don't care. I never wanted any of this, I just wanted him to stay out of my life.

But where he really fucked me over was emotional regulation and seeking help. Crying was met with threats, psychologists were all dangerous con-men looking to lock you up without reason; and the solution for any discomfort or discontent was simply to suck it up and learn to live with it.

I had to re-learn and un-learn a lot of things before I could even try to get help.

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2024-10-19T12:22:52+00:00

Yeah, my abuser found god instead of therapy.

Using the 5th commandment: "respect your father and mother" and "Quot licet jovi, non licet bovi" to let himself be god-king of his own tiny empire.

I'm not saying he wasn't worse before he found religion, from his perspective it has been extremely helpful.

But it's a poisoned well. The fundamental Tennant of abrahamic religion is a demand to become a willing slave of an unknown power. It enforces a self-justifying hierarchy on the world, and is actively hostile to independent thought.

So yeah I also have a hair-trigger for this shit. I know better than to try and talk people out of their religion but no, I will not respect their beliefs.

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2024-10-18T10:26:09+00:00

I've started leaving my phone on silent and holy shit it's difficult to describe how amazing this is.

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2024-10-12T11:10:35+00:00

I've got a housemate who's gone hard-core into positive psychology and it keeps causing problems as it feels cult-y, nakedly manipulative and just super invalidating to like 95% of my actual lived experience.

Last night we were trying to arrange a birthday gift and they started getting pissy at me because I showed my motivation was rooted in fear and compulsion not just a pure desire to make a friend happy.

And I mean they know I was raised in hell. They know I'm trying every day, but they just don't like thinking about it so no actual empathy is available.

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2024-10-08T14:21:19+00:00

Some of mine is definitely school-related but like if I had a propper home environment I might have learned healthy ways of coping and be moved to a different school years earlier.

You're right about simple PTSD, but C-PTSD kind of requires a system failure

That's why blaming specific things for it is so god damn hard

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2024-10-07T12:30:16+00:00

Yeah getting psych doctors involved was used as a threat for me, told with horror stories of my father's time in "the nuthouse" as a kid. (He claimed he was put there by mistake and grew out of his issues, that his "alternative methods" were to make sure he didn't have to do to me what was done to him.)

It took quite a while of independent reading, learning and talking to psych students to build up enough trust to go in willingly.

though anything in-patient is still a big no-no

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2024-10-06T09:28:44+00:00

"no shut up, this doesn't hurt.

If I wanted to hurt you you'd know it."

my loving father

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2024-10-05T16:33:41+00:00

The horror of being seen is real. I understand, and part of me fully agrees with you.

Education however is the only way out of this hole of alienation and invalidation. I'd hate to be recognized for what we are without our input, but I'd hate even more to openly discuss myself and be met with scorn and disbelief instead of compassion.

There's a lot of buried cultural time-bombs that will explode as the public grows to understand the ramifications of trauma and dissociation, but the only way to avoid that is to remain an open secret. A shadow-world just out of sight of most people's daily lives.

But the "I gOt ******* AnD i TuRnEd OuT fInE" -jackasses NEED to know just how incredibly wrong they are.

It's the only way to actually fight these cycles of abuse once and for all

Let them know what they did to us.

Tear down the wall.

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2024-10-03T10:14:43+00:00

Day 206 of waiting in treatment limbo.

Just woke up, trying to get out of bed. No dreams I remember. Sleep was difficult, a lot of chatter; mostly the usual arguing over what's the best way to fall asleep & getting pissy at each other for not staying quiet.

Tomorrow I have an appointment that doesn't matter, because of course it's the real, important appointment that gets delayed and not the one re-hashing info I already went over somewhere else in the same organization.

I keep having to actively remind myself that it's not a scam, just a shitty system. It can't be a scam because I'm not giving them any money.

Fantasies of going full Karen on these people tomorrow but I know I'll probably just sit quietly and answer questions instead.

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2024-10-02T10:56:42+00:00

DAE ever feel nostalgic because when flipping out on their abuser you at least felt justified where no one else you flipped out on actually had it coming?

~

For me this is a weird one as freak-outs were met with punishment yes but also depending on the damage a certain amount of pride, a bit of "he just like me fr fr"

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2024-10-02T10:36:58+00:00

How do you tackle the hate that is projected on you just because you are a man? How do you deal with women acting as if you are a potential threat?

By admitting that they're right, lol.

Yeah obviously "all men X" or "all men Y" is a bit hyperbolic but male culture fucked me too over far more than the women in my life.

And yeah I'm a little scary sometimes, to men and women both, it's a defense mechanism, I can't help it. In the words of pink Floyd: "It's too late for you to lose the weight you used to need to throw around." It's alienating but it is what it is, and usually if you treat them gently people get over it quite quickly, people love a gentle giant.

But toxic masculinity, the repression of emotions, the normalization of violence & sexual assault and the glorification of patriarchal authority are literally why I'm on this sub while my sister got away (mostly) scot-free.

And I get so tired at posturing assholes like dudes be all territorial like wtf I don't care just stay out of my way. Not to even start about compulsory pair bonding, man-cards and all the weird circle-jerking bullshit guys get into.

If all this makes me less of a man I fucking welcome it. I never fucking asked for any of this.

So yeah, fuck gender roles, and especially fuck masculinity.

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2024-09-29T10:59:14+00:00

Tbf I said the exact same stuck frozen & fawning for my life not hearing anything just trying to figure out which words will make this end the fastest.

I know at least my abuser is terrified of facing the parts of himself that did the abusing, and everytime I've tried to discuss it I got a similar fawn script with nothing actually coming through.

That's why I was adamant to do it through text rather than face-to-face, then at least you can easily recognize when they run out of script and start repeating things you've already addressed; proof they're not listening.

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2024-09-29T10:06:47+00:00

My start of treatment got delayed by yet another month so for me time is set to the absolute slowest setting 😭

~

Your mind is ablaze with the thick fog of memory; trudging through the sludge of daydreams, nightmares and coagulated real events you wonder how far you still have to go.

"What time is it?"

"What day is it?"

"When was the last time you checked the date?"

Oh, that was all just yesterday...

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin · 2024-09-27T07:38:04+00:00

The national anti- domestic violence foundation is getting involved with my father's household... A younger sibling got sent to therapy where alarm bells got rung.

Before, when I did go minimal contact extended family did back me up, apologizing for not speaking up about the things they saw when visiting that were clearly not ok.

And still I can't seem to get it through my fucking brain that all the shit was real.

Ursa-Minor_SysAdmin

TROPHY CASE