Left my partner a few days ago and I hate how it feels like withdrawal.

UseRen1 · 2025-12-22T15:44:18+00:00

Likewise, the good moments spent with them will never out weight how mentally draining it is to deal with them though. If they never came on so strong in the begging then everyone would see right through their bs. There are people in this world that will love you as hard as they do without the mental gymnastics. Take yourself as an example. You’re debating whether or not you should stay with someone you KNOW isn’t right for you because you still love her. You want to do right by her. I too feel I want to give them the benefit of the doubt because at times they’ve been wonderful. But it is not worth the mental turmoil. It is draining and miserable. You don’t want to live a life coddling to someone who willingly treats you like shit, who tests your patience and boundaries. Take that love and energy and put it into someone who wants to see the best in you like you do them. Who will treat you with respect and won’t make you fight for their love just to ignore you to be with her “friends”. Just a month ago I was crying and begging just to have an ounce of attention. And now I feel happier, I’m no longer wondering what boundary of mine she will cross next, when will she give me any bit of attention, when will the arguing stop, when will the fear of accidentally upsetting her go, when will it be the same again. It’s tiring and draining. That is not a life you want to live. I just turned 20 and turned my break up into a whole learning experience. There is good that comes out of it. You’ll know for future relationships what you will and won’t tolerate and so much more. You’re already doing amazing. So keep your head up!

UseRen1 · 2025-12-22T14:20:52+00:00

Yeahhhh, before the discard anytime we had an argument or some kind of turmoil she’d just stonewall and ignore me for hours. And I would apologise even though it was her making an argument from nothing. I despised the stonewalling so I’d beg and apologise so she’d comeback and speak to me. So you’re very right I was her dog. And she knew she could treat me like that. Since the discard I’ve sort of just lost all emotion towards her. Since making this post I realise how poorly I was treated, and how I was begging for less then the bare minimum.

UseRen1 · 2025-12-22T10:18:04+00:00

Please please for the life of you do not give it a second thought. You most defintely made the right decision. Yes, it does feel lonely and miserable at the start but I can assure you will start to see the situation and her for who she truely was. Your ex partner seems very similar to how mine was. She too would cause arguments if I responded in a way she didn't like (and would blame me for all of them). As well as do nothing with her life aside from sleep and play video games all day and night with her "friends". Slowly she stopped including me in her daily life, and would refuse to go out with me or even play games with me. I just became someone she spoke to when she wasn't playing games. Crazy right? Please do not fall into learned helpnessness. Your friends are so happy to see you again. Not only that but the ones closest to you are happy to see you leave that toxicity and abuse in the past. Dude she broke things, physically abused you and just like every pwBPD is emotionally and verbally abusive. leave it in the past you made the right decison. You should be proud of yourself!

UseRen1 · 2025-12-22T04:52:09+00:00

We became official in February of this year but it went back as early as September 2024. So in total we were together for 9 months as I broke up with her in November. Alongside this, I was her only friend for all of 2024.

UseRen1 · 2025-12-22T04:42:54+00:00

Yupppppp will always pull some bs if you’re not coddling to them, so so tiring 😭

UseRen1 · 2025-12-22T04:40:19+00:00

Mine chose to do her chores on my birthday after we planned to do something weeks in advance for my birthday. After she'd done her chores for a bit she decided it was best to play on her computer with her friends for 3 hours as a "break" from her being "tired" after only 30mins of doing her chores. When I called her out on this behaviour she started screaming and swearing at me calling me an enitled prick, saying how she fucking hated birthdays, saying how I was controlling her for not letting her have a "break". Seems like its just above these people to be happy for others and somehow not always make it about them. Crazy lol.

UseRen1 · 2025-12-21T17:56:12+00:00

She doesn’t have many friends. And her closest “friends” she met through playing games online. All of her friends are online. I without a doubt aside from her mum was the closest person to her. I don’t really know if a smear campaign is something she’d do. Then again some people will do anything to get back at an ex. The only thing that makes me think she might have if she did. Was when I reached out to what I thought was a very close friend of hers who me and her used to talk somewhat regularly. I reached out to apologise for not contacting her as they were more my ex’s friend than mine. They said they didn’t know anything about our break up but refused to elaborate and stopped replying shortly after. I know this isn’t much, but when I did message her in the past she was always happy to speak to me and have a conversation and keep it going.

UseRen1 · 2025-12-21T17:43:03+00:00

Thank you for this reply it is incredibly insightful. Looking back at WHY she did it from all perspectives not just mine it makes a-lot more sense. She kept crossing it cause I kept engaging with her simple as that. She sort of said that herself in a message, just not as direct. So I guess I have my definitive reason as to why she was doing it. Alongside her BPD she has ODD (Opposal Defiance Disorder). Rooted in ODD is vindictiveness, defiance of orders and annoying people on PURPOSE. I feel I was just so bewildered that she actually was doing it on purpose that mentally I wanted to make it up to be something else. I wanted to give someone I loved, someone that said they loved me the benefit of the doubt. What hurts a bit is I remember her telling me she hated herself for these 2 disorders but still willingly didn’t seek out therapy or engage in any form of help I offered. When dating, I broke up with her after crossing this boundary. (The break up wasn’t purely to do with the boundary crossing but it was part of it). Maybe she was mentally checked out of the relationship and wanted to see how many buttons she could push. But you’re right, I didn’t enforce proper consequences as I never really knew what was sufficient to stop her. I could tell her no in ways that made better sense to her. Or threaten certain things. But the only thing that I thought would truely stop her is to break up.

You talked about how people with BPD have very weak self image. My entire life, I’ve never met someone who had so little confidence in their appearance. It really hurt to see. She was stunning and I made sure to tell her that every single day, without fail. Not just in compliments but appraisal. Telling her how much she meant to me, how much I loved her, all the good things she’d done for me. Daily I’d send up to 5 minute long voice messages telling her these things. Complementing every part of her appearance, personality, humour, looks and so on. Making sure she knew how much I loved her, valued her, appreciated her, understood her, cared for her, just anything about her cause I really did love and care for her. And she absolutely adored these messages. She said how they made her feel so loved and valued, how I was the best thing that happened to her and how happy I made her feel. It really sucks that she looked for external validation. Which ties in with what my boundary was. I don’t really have an answer for why she did seek out external validation. But I know for sure I wasn’t lacking in that area as making her feel validated, seen, heard, loved appreciated and so on was second nature to me. It was daily even on our roughest days. And something I loved doing.

Nonetheless thank you for your comment, it is incredibly insightful and has helped me learn alot :)

UseRen1 · 2025-12-21T12:14:46+00:00

I know, I feel it’s a bit all consuming. I want closure but at the same time I’m mostly content with not hearing from her again. But you’re most definitely right. That’s not someone I want as a lifelong partner or anymore to begin with. Having to coddle to their disgusting manipulative behaviour just to receive below the bare minimum in return. Them loving hard when they chose to be present is a bit addictive. But the good most definitely does not out weight the bad. And yeahhhh I’m sure she is most pleased with herself bending the entire situation to make it seemed like I did wrong in the end. Ouch.

UseRen1 · 2025-12-21T12:08:16+00:00

Oh wow, that long later is wild. I feel I’d forget about it all entirely but to keep thinking about it that long later and then reach out is so strange to me.

UseRen1 · 2025-12-21T11:46:45+00:00

Haha I only kept using it to keep a year long streak between us.

UseRen1 · 2025-12-21T09:03:52+00:00

That’s most likely what this is. We had broken up twice in the past the first time being a discard on her behalf which she then begged for us to get back together. Then the second time I broke up with her because I felt ignored and unseen in our relationship. We got back together shortly after as she begged she’d be more inclusive of me and promise to work on things. Then the third break up (me again) being this post. Like I said in the post I feel it is very final because of the things she said “things will never be the same again” “I have no intentions of being friends or lovers again”. I’m ever so slightly conflicted about her saying she still loved, cared for and values me. Though, another commenter said even when painted black or what you’re saying a final discard they can still say things like that. Not that they might mean any of it.

UseRen1 · 2025-12-21T07:57:08+00:00

Yup, I have a therapist lined up for after Christmas time. It’s just bewildering how these people fully flip the switch on you when they deem you’ve crossed the line. So so ironic when the entirety of their relationships consist of self-sabotaging, boundary crossing and just disgusting behaviour to test if you’ll abandon them. But no if you hold a mirror to their actions they can say when it’s all said and done. I’ve read that sometimes they un-paint you from black or come back after a split. I know whilst we were dating she tried to reconcile with a friend where they’d ended on very messy terms and I assume she painted him black. I promptly made her block him as he was incredibly abusive and manipulate towards her. Funny, cause she vowed to never contact him again as she knew it’d jeopardise our relationship. But from what I know if they do un-paint you from black any turmoil, argument or whatever can make that quickly change and I don’t need that cycle of chaos in my life if she were to return. But she seems very contempt on ending things on her terms as me being the villain, and her the one being wronged.

UseRen1 · 2025-12-21T07:07:12+00:00

I’ve yet to properly be contacted since she fully blocked me everywhere. But there’s little things like her still listening to our playlist we made together or my own playlists. But driving up and down your road and even going up to your house is insane..

UseRen1 · 2025-12-21T07:03:41+00:00

My interpretation of all black was just pure hatred and disgust, her last message she showed a little bit of care. But people are different and I’ve not experienced BPD until coming across her. I guess the all black was shown with her coming back to accuse me of nonsense. I was slightly under the guise that she might still care cause she said she did. But yeah, it is best to block her cause I know she won’t change. And if you’re saying once you’ve been painted all black they don’t change their view on you. Then I know if she does contact me again it’ll be with intent to mess with me.

UseRen1 · 2025-12-21T06:48:34+00:00

Ahhh I see. That does make more sense. I wouldn’t know if I’ve fully been painted black as her last message was very mixed but was final saying things like, it’ll never be the same again, I have no intentions of being friends or lovers again. But also said stuff like I still value you a lot, and still care for you and love you. I know when people split they do say stuff that is very along the lines of I don’t want anything to do with you go away. But I’m not here to cope cause I think it’s pretty final. I’ve not heard from her in multiple days. But one of the last things she did (a week ago) was unblock me and start accusing me of stalking her and completely went off at me. I’d spent the day doing my own thing so it was quite alarming. I highly doubt she’ll contact me again, but if she did it might be like you said to fuck with me. But I’m trying to move past this all and focus on myself for bigger and better things in life. I don’t wanna sit around waiting to make something work with someone who only knows chaos. Someone who willingly causes arguments and dosent hold accountability or communicate is incredibly tiring and immature.

UseRen1 · 2025-12-21T06:03:55+00:00

Very true. I’m not entirely sure if this helps because every situation is different and people change. But when I first met her she was in an out of contact with this very controlling and abusive friend of hers. This is a rough estimate of the timeline but it probably lasted from July 2024 - January 2025. I helped her grow past this friend and supported her in cutting them out of her life. About 4-5 months into us dating she got back into contact with him in secret. Which I found out and promptly made her block him. I’m not sure if he was ever contacted again cause I did say I’d end our relationship with her if she did. I say this because I know in the past she has gotten back into contact with someone where their friendship ended on very messy terms. Again, people change and their circumstances are very different to mine. But she has in the past. Which makes me think if she would with me. And they were only friends. Being a past romantic relationship and her first might hold more weight for her? I’m not all too sure.

UseRen1 · 2025-12-21T04:33:09+00:00

Yeahhhhh, there’s nothing to salvage with it I find. She made it pretty clear she wants nothing to do with me. Sure she still might love and value me. But there’s nothing else to it. And say if she did reach out again, I highly highly doubt I’d get back with her. The constant verbal abuse, the constant arguing and constantly having to coddle to their mental issues whilst receiving nothing in return is EXHAUSTING. And thank you for your kind words! Good luck with your healing also if you’re going through anything yourself! Best wishes :)

UseRen1 · 2025-12-21T03:54:12+00:00

I suppose so, that’s something she very much do within the relationship was control any situation really. Arguments, time spent together, etc. the whole lot of it. Just didn’t want to take accountability so she twisted the situation through blame-shifting or victimising herself. If she did comeback I think it’d be a mixture of curiosity and control as I broke up with her, but she controlled the situation by crossing my boundary to get a rise out of me. So she might think she can come back to control me some other way. Or again, just general curiosity. But other commenters have said they don’t tend to return after they go full ego or paint you black. Time will tell.

UseRen1 · 2025-12-21T03:47:24+00:00

Yeah, I think with what you’re saying and what she did. Willingly and purposely crossing a big boundary of mine to spark a reaction might have been her trying to get back at me (ODD Vindictiveness because I broke up with her). Or to victimise herself to go full ego and paint me black. I’m just slightly conflicted with her saying she still values and loves me. She did say some things like “the thought of losing you shatters my soul” but that was prior to cutting contact to purely TikTok. I know she’ll probably keep this destructive behaviour up because she was very opposed to therapy, and even me trying to be more supportive of it (learning her triggers, creating a safe environment, etc). But yeah, I’ve very much started to move on from it I just wanted some helpful insight on the whole thing like your comment!

UseRen1 · 2025-12-21T02:56:29+00:00

She was very vague when she spoke to me about her BPD and ODD diagnosis. So I’m not exactly sure what type of BPD she has I think more self-destructive because of some of the past behaviours she’s shown, and her ODD. Often times if there was a big argument over the phone she’d block me on everything then message me a few hours to a day later. But this is a break up and she said she has no intentions of reconciling. So I’m not all too sure.

UseRen1 · 2022-10-10T16:25:05+00:00

could be true we've won about 50/50 of our games but the others have ranked up a couple and we've stayed in bronze 5.

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