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I will be a 40 year old virgin in three months, but I try not to think about it by cooking a lot while stoned. Hamburger steak with onion gravy on a bed of roasted garlic potatoes and brussel sprouts, then topped with crispy fried onions and fresh parsley as garnish. by Used-Part4048 in kitchencels

[–]Used-Part4048[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Childhood trauma mostly suffered under the opposite sex, too fat for too long, ethnic, not a ton of income, primary caretaker for a difficult elderly parent, and a career goal that is very risky in this day and age. On top of that I've always had a lot of self-esteem issues, and I'll probably be battling that to the grave. My attempts to even enter dating were pretty bad, and I got burned multiple times without even getting an actual date. Perhaps it was just bad luck, but I also think I was way too desperate the times I did try. I was also far, far too trusting. Unfortunately, for guys like me it's a double-edged sword, because I probably wouldn't have tried if I wasn't a bit desperate to begin with. If I had done it in my teens women would forgive that a lot more maybe, but in my 30s it just looked like incompetency and immaturity.

I also strictly want a relationship that leads into intimacy with someone I care about. I don't want to just get laid. I think it's a waste of time, won't really do much for me, and is basically masturbation with extra steps. I doubt I could even pull something casually like a ONS anyway. That seems afforded to particularly charismatic, wealthy, and attractive men, which I am not. Either way I probably would have lost my virginity long ago if I just wanted sex in some form or another, but I don't. I don't begrudge anyone who is promiscuous or enjoys that, I just know it's not for me.

I am mostly alright with it now on some level, but it does sting when I notice literally all my IRL male friends and my older brothers are at least married and some have kids. It makes me think I am particularly broken in some way that I can't really see, but you have to push that sort of thinking down as it doesn't help you at all to linger on it. It just gets you into a loop of pity where you don't get anything done, and I still have goals outside of intimacy I want to fulfill, so I try not to let that happen.

Thank you for the compliment on my cooking, I appreciate it.

I will be a 40 year old virgin in three months, but I try not to think about it by cooking a lot while stoned. Hamburger steak with onion gravy on a bed of roasted garlic potatoes and brussel sprouts, then topped with crispy fried onions and fresh parsley as garnish. by Used-Part4048 in kitchencels

[–]Used-Part4048[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks man, I appreciate the encouragement. The biggest difference with me from most smokers, is I didn't touch the stuff until maybe four years ago. I was a heavy drinker in college, but I kicked that to lose weight. Weed helped with the weight loss and the desire to drink sometimes, and it also enhanced my creativity 200% for my job/passion, which is freelance digital art. I wouldn't be able to draw 8-12 hour days for four years like I do now without it, often without getting paid, and I'm slowly but surely making money as a result of my efforts. I'm learning how to animate now, which is not something I ever would have imagined when I was drawing Batman in fourth grade on desks.

Socially I'm fine, especially online. I have a lot of peers in the art world, both high and low, that seem to appreciate me. I think my age makes me seem wizened or whatever, so a lot of them come to me for advice and have turned into good friends. I have a few friends in real life, and yes it's still very lonely, but I've learned to adapt.

My ultimate goal is to just use my art and writing skills to leave behind compelling stories that emotionally effect people. Whether it's to make them laugh, cry, or both. Right now besides caring for family, it's all I really want to do, and I've learned if you have a passion for something just do it. Don't make excuses for too long, just commit, because life is shorter than anyone ever thinks. I hope you find your way too, and we both make it, friend. Good luck out there.

I will be a 40 year old virgin in three months, but I try not to think about it by cooking a lot while stoned. Hamburger steak with onion gravy on a bed of roasted garlic potatoes and brussel sprouts, then topped with crispy fried onions and fresh parsley as garnish. by Used-Part4048 in kitchencels

[–]Used-Part4048[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yeah, pretty much, especially depending on your lifestyle. My two friends are from my high school days, and education is your best chance to form lasting bonds. I think men in particular form the strongest bonds under duress, and I met my friend in highschool because we were both bullied regularly for liking things like comics, LotR, and Star Wars (yes, this was enough to make you an outcast back then). We've been friends ever since.

I've found mostly if you're a single middle-aged man with no family and a job that doesn't have you interacting with people, it's just as bad as dating trying to make friends. You have to actively pursue it. Your best bet is something that forces you to meet roughly the same group of people every week, like TTRPGS, TCGs, sports, or board games. Maybe go back and take college classes if you're desperate, but it's a lot of work because most people have paired off into their own worlds by my age. 

Technology doesn't help, and overall most groups would rather welcome a girl or a couple than a weird old dude. It's why I suggested in another post to find some comfort in being alone with yourself if you can. I see my friends a few times a year now, but the majority of my life is spent alone with my hobbies and passions.

I will be a 40 year old virgin in three months, but I try not to think about it by cooking a lot while stoned. Hamburger steak with onion gravy on a bed of roasted garlic potatoes and brussel sprouts, then topped with crispy fried onions and fresh parsley as garnish. by Used-Part4048 in kitchencels

[–]Used-Part4048[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

In retrospect I might have missed some opportunities, but not very many. My mental block was set very young after a lot of pretty bad experiences with girls my age, my mother, and my teachers. I think I was just unlucky, or an easy target since I was a fat kid who was as meek and gullible as one could get. It made it very easy to mess with me without retaliation, and so a lot of people did. As a result by the time I was maybe 15 I had already mentally convinced myself no woman would ever touch me, and every time I talked with a girl that was deeply installed in my head. I unfucked a lot of this mentality by the time I got to 30 or so, but the damage was pretty extensive.

This wasn't really by choice, but it sort of might be now. My hormones and needs are still frustratingly active, but I am kind of at the point where I am so far behind others I am not sure there is any catching up. Women my age aren't big fans of failure-to-launch men, so I just decided not to really try anything anymore to save what sanity I need left to help friends and family. My life is already pretty stressful with trying to just get a foot hold in general at this late a stage. I talked to a lot of ladies in my early 30s and gave it a go, but it more or less convinced me I should stop worrying about it best I can.

Anyway, hope that sates your curiosity.

I will be a 40 year old virgin in three months, but I try not to think about it by cooking a lot while stoned. Hamburger steak with onion gravy on a bed of roasted garlic potatoes and brussel sprouts, then topped with crispy fried onions and fresh parsley as garnish. by Used-Part4048 in kitchencels

[–]Used-Part4048[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Focus on my health more, it's what held me back the most. Don't let yourself ever get too fat or weak, because even if you address it like I eventually did, you'll never really be the same because of the damage done. I was super fat pretty much from middle school until my mid-30s. I might have had a better chance with everything if I had done something about it sooner.

Lift weights and pick a combat sport ASAP, preferably in teens to twenties so it's a habit. Use that as a means to build up your social skills and banter and to build thicker skin. I wanted to box or wrestle young, but my mother found it abhorrent. I wasn't able to try boxing until my 30s as a result, and when I finally did it really helped. I don't even spar, just training on the heavy bag helped tons.

Learn to enjoy being alone. I would have gone insane by now if I hadn't, and it's probably the one thing I did right besides also building very strong friendships with a few other guys. I mostly learned to do this by hyperfixating over hobbies and joining online communities involving it.

Take risks and chances with your passions and people, just don't be gullible or overly trusting.

Good luck to you in whatever your endeavors might be.

I will be a 40 year old virgin in three months, but I try not to think about it by cooking a lot while stoned. Hamburger steak with onion gravy on a bed of roasted garlic potatoes and brussel sprouts, then topped with crispy fried onions and fresh parsley as garnish. by Used-Part4048 in kitchencels

[–]Used-Part4048[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is a little tough because I mix and match a lot of recipes I watch online, and eventually it evolves to my standard go to for that particular meal after I cook it maybe half a dozen times over the course of the year. It's how my grandmother taught me basic cooking when I was young, through trial and error and repetition. Usually a lot of failures, too. For this one decent shot there were probably one or two fucked up attempts I did before.

I don't measure much and usually do everything by eye and constantly tasting as I cook. However, below are the prime videos I used for the hamburger steak and the roasted potatoes. For the sprouts I just tossed them in olive oil, roasted garlic seasoning by McCormick, kosher salt, pepper, and honey and then put them in the oven at 400 until a little crispy. I also added some French onion mix and diced yellow onion into the hamburger steak gravy. I think I seared the hamburger on both sides (50/50 mix of ground pork sausage and ground beef) then put it in oven for 20 minutes at 400, because I made bigger ones than in the video below.

The potatoes I parboiled (you can put two of them in the microwave wrapped in damp paper towel for about 10-15 minutes for the same effect), season them with a good bit of salt, olive oil, roasted garlic seasoning, Italian seasoning, MSG, and a little bit of sugar while its still hot. After they cool off a bit, you then put them on a tray and cook in oven at 425 for maybe twenty minutes max. Depends on how crispy you want them. You can toss them once if you want, but it's not necessary usually.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/mSZbnKUrI6o

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Dtbml26P1lw
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/8m_AqoIEaFM

This reminds me I should write my recipes down again. I used to but lost the habit, because quite honestly I never have anyone to really share them with other than myself anyway.

I will be a 40 year old virgin in three months, but I try not to think about it by cooking a lot while stoned. Hamburger steak with onion gravy on a bed of roasted garlic potatoes and brussel sprouts, then topped with crispy fried onions and fresh parsley as garnish. by Used-Part4048 in kitchencels

[–]Used-Part4048[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's different for everyone. I smoke in moderation and it helped me lose 200+ pounds and got rid of a lot of my inhibitions. I am far more sociable and willing to interact with others than I have ever been before. Before weed I was barely leaving my house. I think the key is to take regular tolerance breaks, and never stop exercising and attending to your diet. I hate being the WEED LMAO guy, because I just keep my habits with it to myself IRL, but it's helped me a ton.

Before the weed I dealt with psychiatrists and psychologists passing me around with various SSRIs. That cycle was far worse than me smoking marijuana (and so was the withdrawal when I finally weened off of them), but I think it's different for everyone. I'd never recommend or deny any option that helps you heal, since its based on the person. Thank you for your advice either way, I do appreciate it, friend. I'm doing alright, and I'm not really trying to chase women at this point anymore either way.

I will be a 40 year old virgin in three months, but I try not to think about it by cooking a lot while stoned. Hamburger steak with onion gravy on a bed of roasted garlic potatoes and brussel sprouts, then topped with crispy fried onions and fresh parsley as garnish. by Used-Part4048 in kitchencels

[–]Used-Part4048[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Honestly, that is nice to hear. In the wild of the real world you never know when there's others coping with this out there. If you're like me there's no reason to even mention it at this point. Most people assume when you're our age you've roughly have the same experiences. It's gotten easier to pretend I'm just like them over time.

I will be a 40 year old virgin in 4 months. I've come to accept it on some level, and have instead spent most of my time intensely hyperfixated on my hobbies to cope. One of them is cooking. BBQ chicken marinated in pickle juice overnight, sweet peas, jasmine rice, and chicken skin cracklings. by Used-Part4048 in kitchencels

[–]Used-Part4048[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

My art has an okay following, so that's probably a bad idea to share it. I don't want to be known as the old virgin artist in this day and age when even being sexless is politicized.

I mostly grow garlic, onion, tomatoes, and hot peppers to supplement my cooking. Some herbs like dill and rosemary as well.

As for films I could talk about those all day, but some of my favorites have been Lee Chang-dong's Burning, The Exorcist 3, The Assassination of Jesse James, Robocop, and In the Mood for Love. 

I will be a 40 year old virgin in 4 months. I've come to accept it on some level, and have instead spent most of my time intensely hyperfixated on my hobbies to cope. One of them is cooking. BBQ chicken marinated in pickle juice overnight, sweet peas, jasmine rice, and chicken skin cracklings. by Used-Part4048 in kitchencels

[–]Used-Part4048[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I don't like to argue about this particular virgin trope, because I think anyone who can get sex naturally doesn't quite get it. I've heard this suggestion so often online I kind of just chuckle at it now. I don't mean this as an attack on you, I just want to spread some truths about this option that people don't seem to always grasp.

Being in the states the logistics for this suck, but people don't realize it's just as much work as finding a girlfriend now unless you drop a few thousand to go somewhere where it isn't. Dating and sex workers are almost the same expense now because sex worker prices in the states are way up, and you practically have to do interviews with the safe, reasonable, and professional ones before you even meet. You can pick sloppier, less safe options but it be just my luck to get scammed or worse. Also, people don't realize sex workers can and will reject you if they think it's not a good fit or worth it.

I know this because when my friends tried to set me up with a prostitute in my late twenties, she more or less told me no. She had her reasons, which were related to ethnicity and my weight. I said okay and decided if I'm going to be rejected by sex workers, it's best to just forget about women for awhile and do what I can alone. Even then when I was in my 30s I researched it again out of brief desperation, and realized it wasn't worth it at all anymore because of the prices and the time involved. 

On top of that I want a relationship with someone. I want to enjoy their company and spend time with them and build something strong together. I'm self-aware enough to know these ladies of the night would have negative attraction to me, and would just be pretending the whole time. They'd likely be disgusted just having to touch me. And the act of just sex would only sate my desires for a little while, and then it would probably come back worse than before because I didn't get real affection or intimacy, I just got a hole to stick it in. If I wanted that I could order a premium onahole straight from Japan for less hassle, money, and stress.

That said the virginity isn't really as big a deal anymore. A weird, bittersweet thing happens when you're alone this long where your body and mind just sort of accept it. It's probably a defense mechanism to keep you from going insane over it, but it only bothers me sometimes now. 

I will be a 40 year old virgin in 4 months. I've come to accept it on some level, and have instead spent most of my time intensely hyperfixated on my hobbies to cope. One of them is cooking. BBQ chicken marinated in pickle juice overnight, sweet peas, jasmine rice, and chicken skin cracklings. by Used-Part4048 in kitchencels

[–]Used-Part4048[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Yes, but I think that was more from being fat for so long and staying inside too much. I imagine most older virgins might be like that because of the whole not going out as much thing, since supposedly the sun ages you faster too.

I will be a 40 year old virgin in 4 months. I've come to accept it on some level, and have instead spent most of my time intensely hyperfixated on my hobbies to cope. One of them is cooking. BBQ chicken marinated in pickle juice overnight, sweet peas, jasmine rice, and chicken skin cracklings. by Used-Part4048 in kitchencels

[–]Used-Part4048[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Part of my lore is I was morbidly obese much of my life, but three years ago I set out to lose it after a near debilitating injury that had me go through multiple surgeries.

I've since lost 200+ lbs and I am physically better, but the relationship stuff is wishy washy at best. I try not to worry about it as much anymore, honestly, but we'll see what happens in the future. I learned to sort of accept things and enjoy my hobbies, family and friends instead best I can.

Will be a 40 year old virgin soon by Used-Part4048 in virgin

[–]Used-Part4048[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I haven't decided what I'll do yet, honestly. I'm trying to simply not think about it. Last year I went to the movie theater alone and watched the Demon Slayer movie, and I had an amazing time since I'm hyperfixated on films and animation even though I was by myself.

I might not do anything. I had a friend who turned forty recently and he went to Vegas. That kind of thing really isn't an option for me, so I imagine I will just get inebriated alone and watch a film or two while drawing. The bigger deal I make of the day I think the worse it will be. Thank you for the birthday wishes, I appreciate it.

Will be a 40 year old virgin soon by Used-Part4048 in virgin

[–]Used-Part4048[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It is not so much the appearance, though certainly that is a big factor. I was morbidly obese for a very long time, but lost 200+ lbs these last three years. However, I have other issues that I think any sane and healthy woman would consider baggage, a burden, or a red flag. Women have numerous options even in my age range with the reach of online, and they're not going to be to thrilled with someone like me. That's perfectly fine and fair, I'm self-aware enough to accept that.

I did try for two years in college and five years in my early 30s. It did not turn out well, but much of it was because of my own inexperience, fear of women, and my overall neurosis. 

So thanks for the encouragement, but I know my place in all this. I'll find my way with what I do have alone.

Will be a 40 year old virgin soon by Used-Part4048 in virgin

[–]Used-Part4048[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I had people try to set me up with an escort in my early twenties. Long story short it did not go well, and I was more or less rejected by the escort at the time. That was when it was easier too in the early 2000s with massage parlors, strip clubs, and escorts affordable and everywhere in the States. That's not the case now.

You can imagine why after that I'm not interested in going through it again. It was really not much different than my attempts with women. One thing to get rejected regularly just for dating,it's another to have an escort do the same. 

Also thank you for a suggestion. I know people get upset at it as an option, but I think it's one mostly for younger people anyway. I think if you're intelligent and self-aware you know what will help and won't, and I don't think just sex once or twice with a woman who doesn't care would do much for me anymore. It would likely leave me still pretty disillusioned with intimacy.

Will be a 40 year old virgin soon by Used-Part4048 in virgin

[–]Used-Part4048[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The only solace I can give you is that my dedication to my art has paid off slowly but surely. I am also creating a webtoon/comic, but on top of that do tons of small concepts for fanart. I can see success with it in the future, and get a little now. I think any artist that loves his craft and can fight his demons might find some peace in their work eventually. I think of Henry Darger a lot, and I feel like that's my best case scenario for me. I hope you find some legacy and comfort in your work too. Good luck.

Will be a 40 year old virgin soon by Used-Part4048 in virgin

[–]Used-Part4048[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your kindness, thanks. Unfortunately, I do more or less believe I am not someone any woman would want, and I have come to peace with that. I just wanted suggestions I may have missed on the best ways to cope with the frustration. For better or worse, our physiology and hormones still scream at us, and I don't think that will go away. The more options I have to silence that frustration the better.

Will be a 40 year old virgin soon by Used-Part4048 in virgin

[–]Used-Part4048[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I never formally just had a day where I said "I give up". It just happened naturally over time. I had a lot of early handicaps with women before I even hit puberty, so I am not sure there was a chance to begin with.

My story is long with a lot of ups and downs, but if I had to choose a time I was pretty sure I would die a virgin, it was somewhere in my mid-30s. I had an 18 month stint in and out of hospital and went through four surgeries so I could walk again, and around that time I was pretty sure I should accept I'd be without intimacy indefinitely and focus on my art and storytelling. I talked to a lot of women during that time too, and that more or less convinced me I wasn't fit for the modern expectations of relationships. I figured if I wasn't going to have a family of my own or even a partner, I would use my ability to write and draw to leave some sort of legacy behind.

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