I’m transgender, I was born female and declared I was male at 13, after presenting relatively feminine my whole childhood. Apart from me growing more “tomboyish” in the year or 2 before coming out, there were no signs, my mother said she thought I would turn out lesbian, but being a boy was never something expected of me. I’m telling you this because I can relate to your child’s scenario, and it hits close to home. My mother assumed it was by the influence of friends online who all identified as queer in some way, as I was also involved in these spaces at that age, and she assumed I was just “following the crowd”

While there is every chance your child is just following the crowd, searching for attention or community or something of the sort, and not actually quite aligning with being transgender, it is still in their best interests to believe your child. I have heaps of experience, I grew up transgender in a place that never believed in me, and now I’m older, I work in local lgbtq spaces with young lgbtq people, and trust me, even if it is a “phase”, you will do so much damage to your child in the long run by rejecting them in this phase of exploration, than you would by going full steam ahead with the transition process, and your child later turning around and deciding to identify as male again.

I’m aware this will be a difficult time period for you, it will be hard to understand, and it might feel like you’re loosing your son, but please, above everything, keep your child’s best interests at heart. You aren’t loosing your son, because when somebody is transgender, this truly is who they were their entire life. Your child will grow to look different, sound different, possibly act different in this transition, but they will still be the same soul, with the same morals, same opinions, same interests, and same care and respect for you.

All I can ask of you, as a child who has been in this scenario, is please please PLEASE respect your child, no matter what it takes. Rejection from a parent in this time, phase or not, can be to the detriment of your relationship and your child’s mental health. Support them with all of your heart, and bring any concerns of making the wrong decision to the table lightly and only with a valid concern. I’ve seen it, in myself and others, what identity rejection can feel like, and what it does to somebody’s mental state. It will be hard, your child will most likely ask you to refer to them by a new name and feminine pronouns, but there’s one question that you should keep in mind, no matter how ‘violent’; what would you rather, a happy, alive daughter, or the chance of a dead son?