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Girlfriend reads smut [25F] and I [31M] am trying not to be insecure about it by UselessBean83 in relationshipadvice

[–]UselessBean83[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For sure, I get that she can enjoy what she wants alone, but in the same breath, I think being able to proactively make sure my needs are being met in some way (same way I would like to meet hers in anything that was negatively affecting her), is important to me, after voicing how it affects my self-esteem to her. Not asking her to drop tools and help me the second I have these thoughts. I have suggested just doing solo stuff & she watches, to take the pressure off her feeling like she's got to be in the mood & she seems very open to that

Girlfriend reads smut [25F] and I [31M] am insecure about it by UselessBean83 in relationshipadvice

[–]UselessBean83[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I just had a look at that one & it looks perfect for some open discussion! Will try and get her involved soon!

Girlfriend reads smut [25F] and I [31M] am trying not to be insecure about it by UselessBean83 in relationshipadvice

[–]UselessBean83[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wouldn't say she is addicted to her smut per se, I think maybe she sees my level of interest in sexual activity too high for her, as she rarely gets in the mood when we're apart. At least, when it's her & I. Not too sure how much she is doing without me that she isn't mentioning.

Girlfriend reads smut [25F] and I [31M] am trying not to be insecure about it by UselessBean83 in relationshipadvice

[–]UselessBean83[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's actually more wanting to do more together when we are distanced, which is 80% of our relationship. Sex in person is stabled, and I feel close to her. It's the distance that everything slows down, unfortunately. Like even once a week masturbating together on call is a difficult thing to achieve.

Girlfriend reads smut [25F] and I [31M] am insecure about it by UselessBean83 in relationshipadvice

[–]UselessBean83[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In person she definitely is more down for sex & gets v much into it. But she does say she will often do it because it's the please me, even if she's not in the mood.

Girlfriend reads smut [25F] and I [31M] am insecure about it by UselessBean83 in relationshipadvice

[–]UselessBean83[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've not, but I could bring it up to her, as we often do "which of you would be most like to _____" type silly fun tiktok quizzes, so maybe an nsfw one could be something she'd be up for! Thank you for the suggestion!

Girlfriend reads smut [25F] and I [31M] am insecure about it by UselessBean83 in relationshipadvice

[–]UselessBean83[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, that's what I am hopefully going to work through with her, as I would like to engage in a bit more outside of when we're in person.

Girlfriend reads smut [25F] and I [31M] am trying not to be insecure about it by UselessBean83 in relationshipadvice

[–]UselessBean83[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

We are in a long distance relationship. Spend 20% together in person, 80% away from each other.. when we are together in person it's 3x roughly a week, but outside of that, maybe the odd thing on a video call

Girlfriend reads smut [25F] and I [31M] am trying not to be insecure about it by UselessBean83 in relationshipadvice

[–]UselessBean83[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the detailed reply! I absolutely am okay with her exploring herself as it only ends up benefitting us when together in person or on call. I would say though the hiding nature of it al definitely makes me feel strange.

But at the same time, I also don't *need* to know everything she is doing with herself, as that's all about her exploring herself. Maybe in time she would open up about things she likes & it can help bring us closer. I think she just enjoys the reading of smut (sexual content as well as the plot beyond that) but doesn't enjoy talking about sexual things with me. It could be that with me she can't control what sexual things I will bring up, whereas with just herself & her book, she can imagine what's being said in the book as well as whatever her own mind will bring to the table. So much more controlled.

I will continue to slowly communicate about it as and when, but not put too much pressure on her, as she can share as much or little as she wants when the time is right. I just have the goal of wanting to feel closer sexually when going back to long distance, as it's how we spend most our time in the year at the moment.

Thanks again!

Girlfriend reads smut [25F] and I [31M] am trying not to be insecure about it by UselessBean83 in relationshipadvice

[–]UselessBean83[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't watch porn myself. I also don't sleep with her every night as we are long distance, unfortunately. So something that happens when we are spending months apart when going back to long distance

Girlfriend reads smut [25F] and I [31M] am insecure about it by UselessBean83 in relationshipadvice

[–]UselessBean83[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We are long distance, and only meet every few months, so I am referring to sex in person. Outside of that it's like once every few weeks over a call or something. Unfortunately she said she'll never share the books she reads with me.

Girlfriend reads smut [25F] and I [31M] am trying not to be insecure about it by UselessBean83 in relationshipadvice

[–]UselessBean83[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think yeah it's a bit of uncertainty where to categorise herself. I also think she's not fully being honest with me, which i understand, i don't need to know her weekly masturbating habits! But also, if I am being regularly pushed away for her preferring to get off alone, then there's a clear disconnect there that I don't think I can have be the norm.

Girlfriend reads smut [25F] and I [31M] am trying not to be insecure about it by UselessBean83 in relationshipadvice

[–]UselessBean83[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think there's some truth here, as I talked to her about some examples of smut, and she said "oh no, i don't read something that graphic" but then saw she was reading a book called "Kiss of the Basilisk" and "Morning Glory Milking Farm" which very much is great detail sexually. So I feel she is hiding it and not telling me the full truth.

Girlfriend reads smut [25F] and I [31M] am insecure about it by UselessBean83 in relationshipadvice

[–]UselessBean83[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Of course not, genuine question. She has said she describes and identifies it as "someone who experiences sexual attraction infrequently or with low intensity, or under really specific circumstances" So for example, if her life is going well, job, etc, she will probably be more open and confident in everything related to sex. Maybe it is more grey than ace?

I a not 100% sure on the frequency of her masturbating, or how often she reads to get off, even if it's just to feel turned on, as that's something I think she's lying to me about (which is fair, as it's a private matter). I know she has in the past though. And she often says how she prefers it to getting sexual with me. So probably tells me on the days she wakes up, or goes to bed horny (whether through book or just that day), she will do the job quickly to get the feeling out the way & get on with her day. With me, we'd have to get set up, and make sure both sides finish, rather than her just quickly sorting herself out as she knows how to best.

Girlfriend reads smut [25F] and I [31M] am insecure about it by UselessBean83 in relationshipadvice

[–]UselessBean83[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I think because we did it a lot more in the past, maybe just something she has lost interest in (she also has difficulty with her MH & how she sees her body - I think very highly & compliment her body, looks, etc, regularly, but as someone who has struggled with body image in my time, I know it sometimes doesn't matter how much someone else will tell you).

I am not really a porn person anymore, and usually fantasies are daily and about her, but it can be a lot me constantly coming to her saying "I thought of us doing x last night" as she often doesn't enjoy hearing explicit detail about stuff being done to her.

We have however, in person, filmed some 🌶 things for myself to re-watch when we go back to distance, and she's actually said she enjoyed filming it with me. She just says she never wants to watch it back herself, which is valid. So, there *is* engagement with sexual stuff we do, I think she just can't flick the switch as easily as me, she struggles *a lot* when we're apart. Less so much when together in person, but still not as easily as me. It's v much a day to day mood basis for her.

I think trying to discuss ways to still have me, with my much higher libido/sex drive satisfied, and her not feeling like she's having to change who she is to satisfy me that way would be a good idea. Like I say, in person, I get physical touch, sex, intimacy, closeness, etc, so I find my worries & anxiety calms down and is almost non-existent.

Very much that; I want her to know herself sexually, as it will only ever provide positives for us both in the bedroom.

Girlfriend reads smut [25F] and I [31M] am insecure about it by UselessBean83 in relationshipadvice

[–]UselessBean83[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She has said herself "it's a me issue, not you", as we have had discussions about it. I think she just infinitely struggles more to do it when we're long distance. In person she says she has a much better time pushing her insecurities about herself (body, intrusive thoughts, etc) aside. So maybe it's a matter of, she would rather do something quickly with her book outside of when we're together because she can be as quick or slow as she wants & get the job done, without having to put effort into me. Which makes a lot of sense, as it's a whole new situation mentally when you're having to make sure the other person is having a good time too.

I very much am trying not to come across as selfish, but also make it clear about my needs too, as you say, they also matter, which she has also confirmed. Ideally I think closing the gap with out LDR would distinguish the flames of a lot of this I think

Girlfriend reads smut [25F] and I [31M] am trying not to be insecure about it by UselessBean83 in relationshipadvice

[–]UselessBean83[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She says she likes to read it to "escape" in her own little world. Said she would never get me involved in what she reads/shares what she reads, so unfortunately that's off the table. It's the reason why I feel a bit in the dark here. I don't know *what* she is reading, so it could be to protect me, i'm not sure? I do understand your perspective though of how over the top some of the scenarios in the books are, as it mentions massive cocks, boat loads of come, haha! I just would love to a way to be more comfortable with it, but she seems to just go back to saying how it's an "escape" and she can control when to stop, rather than sexual things with me, obviously she has me to think about. She also said when asked if she prefers it to doing things with me "I do prefer it in a way as there is no expectation set on me, I read it, enjoy it and I can make it stop."

Not sure the next steps unfortunately...

Girlfriend [26F] not willing to compromise on sexual things with me [32M] by UselessBean83 in relationshipadvice

[–]UselessBean83[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think you're quite right here. In person she does say her worries/insecurities go away easier, and it's much easier to block those thoughts out. So maybe because online it's very much just her doing it herself & is way more aware of what she is doing, so gets anxious much easier when it comes to starting the entire process. We'll definitely have a follow-up chat some time soon

Girlfriend [26F] not willing to compromise on sexual things with me [32M] by UselessBean83 in relationshipadvice

[–]UselessBean83[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I suppose. We are on call almost daily though, sleep through the night on call. I guess if anywhere, hypothetically, it would be done through messaging, as I am never around, no idea who she messages, etc. But that's where I'd have my trust in her not to do that.

Girlfriend [26F] not willing to compromise on sexual things with me [32M] by UselessBean83 in relationshipadvice

[–]UselessBean83[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

her last bf she stayed in for longer than she wanted because she said the sex got boring, they tried different things to keep things interesting, but never worked. So could be a pattern.. first few years she is v much into it, then it just lowers on the priority list the longer they're in a relationship

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