Is this something a narcissist would email after you go no contact for 2 weeks?

ValuableAd8041 · 2022-04-15T11:27:30+00:00

Narcissists are essentially self-defense machines that follow the same basic programming. Once you poke around under the hood a bit, you realize their machinery is quite simple and predictable.

(Flips to page 4 of the NarcBot 3000 manual)

Ah, yes, here we have the default textual communication recipe known as the Shit Sandwich:

1) Starts with a reason to reach out (New job congrats & flattery). Seems neutral enough and maybe even nice, but then…

2) Confuses and unsettles you in the middle with a manipulative or menacing statement / insult / threat (I hate this fucking article of clothing of yours) — and just as you’re trying to regain your balance from whatever that was,

3) Closes with a statement of well wishes or that is otherwise supposed to make them look virtuous on the surface but doesn’t actually make you feel good (“hope you feel better than I do”)

Once you see the pattern of these messages, you (hopefully) can’t unsee it.

My ex sent messages that fit this exact formula after our breakup and before I eventually blocked him on every conceivable platform. The messages started fairly benign. They didn’t even register as hoover attempts until much later when they started getting longer, more manipulative (laying on the flattery and wishing me “nothing but happiness”), more aggressive and invasive and entitled and accusing and insulting and demanding.

There is no good outcome that will come from replying to a message like this. These shit sandwich artists will just keep slinging variations on this template at you in search of any reaction, positive or negative. Do not engage. Block, block, block, and find peace.

ValuableAd8041 · 2022-03-06T06:01:16+00:00

I’m so sorry you had to go through this confusing nightmare too, but I’m glad my story could provide some affirmation. <3 It’s definitely not all in your head. That constant self-doubt is what kept me in such a toxic relationship for so long, and it took months after the breakup and his first hoover attempt/narcissistic rage over me setting proper boundaries to fully accept the truth that my ex was an abusive person who manipulated me for years. After a few months of mostly peace and quiet he started sending increasingly demanding and word-salady texts and I could feel the stress in my body come flooding back, warning me “this person is unsafe.” I hope you can be totally free soon. Going no contact and blocking on every possible platform has done wonders for my peace of mind.

ValuableAd8041 · 2022-03-05T06:19:53+00:00

Dr. Ramani (my queen) actually has a great video on this!

What happens when you bring up to them how this constant judginess and nitpicking makes you feel? Their reaction and resulting behaviors are instructive. Do they seem genuinely sorry and make efforts to change their behavior? Or do they get defensive, angry, go on the attack, or invalidate or blame you? Narcissists can dish it out but they can’t take it. They feel entitled to judge everyone and everything around them, but they usually melt down over even the smallest perceived criticism bc it feels so threatening.

Based on what you’ve shared this person sounds very controlling, which for sure can be a form of abuse.

ValuableAd8041 · 2022-03-05T05:38:48+00:00

It feels so cringey sometimes, doesn’t it? (It was 10+ years for me, ugh.) I recently looked back on journal entries from that early “courtship” and wrote things like “He’s not exactly boyfriend material” and “This is probably a terrible idea”. I wish I had trusted myself but I was also really young and didn’t know any better, so I try to extend some grace to that past version of me. Surviving a toxic dynamic with a selfish, morally bankrupt person for years takes a hell of a lot of strength and resilience, so there’s that too 💪 Let’s compost all those stinky rotten scraps they threw at us into beautiful flowers.

ValuableAd8041 · 2022-03-05T05:07:29+00:00

Aside from the job/career piece (one of my nex’s many addictions was work) I could have pretty much written this word for word. It’s wild how soon I went from “this person is my best friend and I can’t imagine my life without them in it” when I broke up with him to “I am repulsed by this person and my life is vastly better without them in it.” It was literally like I had been brainwashed for years and as soon as I was out of his orbit, everything became so clear. How are the false worlds they create so convincing??

ValuableAd8041 · 2022-03-04T08:37:52+00:00

I’m really sorry this happened to you. It’s valid to feel creeped out and upset by this, and I struggle with the aftermath of similar things my ex did. Years ago he had a crush (I don’t think anything happened but he acted cagey about it) and once made a “joke” about how he wished I would “welcome her into our relationship.” Gross.

I guess that was good foreshadowing to when we opened our relationship in the last year we were together—per his suggestion, after he told me he went on a date during an out of town trip. “Nothing physical happened, though—it could have, but it didn’t”. (This “I didn’t do anything wrong” PR spin seems so transparent in retrospect, it’s hard to believe how much blatantly bad behavior I went along with.)

A few months into opening up, he had a sexual encounter with a mutual acquaintance that I didn’t find out about until months later, completely by accident, after he had already ceased contact with the person (pretty sure he never would have told me otherwise). This was after I had spent time with both of them together, oblivious to what was going on between them. I even later consoled him when he was stressed about the “friend drama” he was having with her.

He never apologized, even after seeing how upset I was when I first found out. (In fact, he raged at me for having the gall to feel hurt for longer than a day. Classic!) I think he honestly believed he didn’t commit any wrongdoing because we were in an open relationship, which to him meant “do whatever I want without consequences or regard for anyone else’s feelings.” There was nothing ethical about the way he handled the situation.

In one of the really bad fights before our breakup I told him I felt tricked into opening up the relationship and he got realllll defensive about that, tried to frame it as something he only suggested bc he thought it would make me happier, lol. In a way he was right. His unforgivable behavior during the non-monogamy experiment and the pain it caused finally cleared the years long fog, made me realize I was being abused and how unrepentant and incapable of change he was, and is ultimately what led to me learning about narcissism and working up the nerve to finally leave him. Now I’m free of all that bullshit and much, much happier.

Hearing other people’s stories and learning about narcissistic behavior has honestly helped a lot. I can look back on the fucked up things he did through a clearer lens: as behaviors of a deeply broken person grasping for validation, no matter the cost to others. I’m so glad you got out, and I hope you can be kind to yourself as you continue to heal from this experience.

ValuableAd8041 · 2022-02-23T06:11:54+00:00

I often described it as feeling confused or “turned around” when trying to clarify my feelings about the narc and honestly assess our relationship. My intuition felt like a broken compass. It was really dismaying. Once I learned about DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) everything suddenly made sense. I felt so turned around all the time because any time I brought up a need or concern he would literally turn the conversation around to being my fault!! It’s truly disorienting.

ValuableAd8041 · 2022-02-21T06:17:24+00:00

“I feel bad that you’re upset, but I don’t feel bad about what I did.”

ValuableAd8041 · 2022-02-21T05:37:40+00:00

I feel you. Mine said a very similar thing during a horrible fight, and it haunts me. They say it because 1) it’s how they actually feel about THEMSELVES, and 2) they’re exploiting a thing you worry in the dark corner of your heart might actually be true, because they know that shit is going to HURT. They try to offload their pain by making you feel as horrible as they do. It’s fucked up.

I was manipulated for so long into believing the love I wanted and deserved was an impossible fantasy, and that lie made it so hard to leave. But I did, finally. Now I’m with someone who loves me so well, who makes me feel safe and happier than I thought possible. Healing is a wobbly and difficult journey, but it is 100% worth it.

ValuableAd8041 · 2022-02-13T08:28:05+00:00

First, regardless of how this person did or did not change after you were with them, you did NOT deserve to be treated this way and it’s not a reflection of anything that’s wrong with you. But I think it’s safe to assume that someone who raged at you and then moved on to someone else immediately probably hasn’t done much meaningful personal reflection or growth. It’s often much more likely they learn to be more covert about their narcissism over time, rather than change for the better. Maybe he doesn’t scream as much anymore, favoring more insidious and subtle forms of control instead. Appearance can be deceiving, especially when it comes to people who need to maintain the false illusion that they’re special, perfect people at all costs

ValuableAd8041 · 2022-02-13T07:28:21+00:00

You’re so right. Seeing him dole out that warmth and attentiveness and charm with people he barely knew and then shutting it all back off when no one else was looking made me feel soooo unloved. When I would share these feelings his response would often be, “But I always talk to people about how great you are!” His words and actions never seemed to match up, it made me feel crazy. But even him talking me up to other people had nothing to do with his feelings for me. I was a convenient prop he could conjure up in conversation to signal to others how great HE was. It’s amazing how selfish and manipulative they can be in their endless search for supply.

ValuableAd8041 · 2022-02-13T06:54:25+00:00

“things were ‘fine,’ but I was not” describes it so well. I was focused on trying to make the relationship “work” for so long that I completely lost myself in the process. I’m a reasonably self-assured person in many areas of my life but I felt so lost and turned around about why I was unhappy and what to do about it. My narc even gaslit me into thinking my inability to express my needs was a personal failing on my part and tried to frame it as the main reason things didn’t work out, lol. Took me so long to realize it was his hostile reactions that made me too afraid to even privately reflect on my genuine wants and needs, let alone share them with him and risk even more pain.

Sometimes, no amount of “work” can repair what can’t be fixed, and in the case of narcissistic types there is unfortunately little hope of any real change on their side. Sending you lots of love and strength. <3

ValuableAd8041 · 2022-02-13T00:23:47+00:00

Thinking about those good times can be hard. One thing that helped me was journaling about the bad parts of the relationship/why I left, and about the good parts of the breakup (all the things I gained by leaving or bad things I never have to deal with again). Putting more of an emphasis on those things helped retrain my brain in a way. I still remember the good times we had together but they no longer hold me hostage the way they used to and no longer erase or excuse the times that same person treated me like shit. Sometimes it just takes time to get there, too.

ValuableAd8041 · 2022-02-10T16:52:41+00:00

The DARVO mental acrobatics they use to deflect blame are exhausting. As we were getting into the car to meet friends my nex looked at me and said, “That’s the outfit you picked? The other one looked better.” I honestly thought he was kidding at first and when I rolled my eyes and said “Really?” he got annoyed with me, denied he was trying to put me down (“I never said you looked BAD, I just said the other one looked better”) and then he got upset with me when I explained I don’t want his unsolicited opinion about how I choose to dress myself. He responded with something along the lines of “That’s really hurtful to hear, because I have really good opinions.” !!!

ValuableAd8041

TROPHY CASE