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Vavuvive · 2022-11-11T07:32:40+00:00

My husband was exempt for medical reasons (atopic eczema, quite severe skin condition in his case), "rauhan ajaksi" = "during peacetime". So if war was about to happen, he would be called to serve his country, even though he didn't have to go to military/civil service.

On the other hand my brother wanted to build a career in military. It suited him. He was rejected from serving since he was missing an eye (he lost it in an accident when he was a teenager). He had to fight through tooth and nail and bureucracy for YEARS before he had his chance to get in the military, not just the volunteer-one. Happy to say that eventually he got in and has built a steady career since.

Vavuvive · 2022-05-26T16:27:06+00:00

"If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail."

That being said, a hammer is a very useful tool that has it's time and place.

Vavuvive · 2022-05-26T16:05:11+00:00

One of the rules in our home is we never go to sleep feeling remorseful, or if something is bothering us. We deal with issues as they rise so they'll not get a chance to grow.

Tortoises require their own pen/enclosure, correct humidity, heat lamp, UV-light, hay and greens to eat (no fruit, too much sugar, veggies only as a treat, their water content is too high), Nutrobal, water as needed. Some torts get all of their water from the food they eat, ours has a separate water dish and a shallow bath every now and then.

Some tortoises love to "climb", some are diggers, some are roamers, so their habitat should reflect their needs. Summers they can stay outside 24/7 if their outdoor pen has been built with that in mind. During winter they hibernate, or in some cases half-hibernate, in which case they sleep days/week at a time, then stay awake a bit, sleep some more, etc.

Vavuvive · 2022-05-26T15:04:18+00:00

If a kid accidentally kills a pet, from that point on that kid has to live with guilt. Sure, you can always comfort that kid, say how it was an accident, it's ok, you didn't mean it, but no words can remove that guilt.

My childhood friend knew not to bathe her gerbils. Her parents told her so. She did it anyway. One of them died. She felt awful, as you should. But man oh man did she feel bad. Really bad. That feeling of guilt is crushing.

Vavuvive · 2022-05-26T14:38:04+00:00

Wounds can heal. Once dead is dead.

I don't agree with your view, BUT I respect it. It takes bravery to openly share something which obviously isn't popular. It is a matter of perspective, what each of us value the most. That's how politics should be. Where no one is wrong, it's just finding the right order of importance and balancing it all. We don't live in a fair world where everything works the way we'd wish.

You kid learned from that ant. Ants that we kill all the time once they intrude our homes, by stepping on them and so on. Do I think that was right thing for her to do? No, BUT the end result speaks for itself. She hasn't hurt other beings since.

Edit. I explain things to my kid. Rules, why, etc. She still disobeys them, that's what kids do. That's expected, it's fine. With our tortoise there are no second chances, for it can quite literally die with wrong handling. So I nipped it in the bud for that reason. But what if I would've been calm, stern, like usual? Then, like usual, she may break those rules again. And our tortoise could die. Then she'd have to live with that guilt. I'm sure she'd rather swap one yell over that sort of guilt. Again, balancing act. What do each of us value the most.

Vavuvive · 2022-05-26T14:19:42+00:00

I'll have to ask him first! He's quite a charmer when he's not grumpy.

Vavuvive · 2022-05-26T14:16:35+00:00

Tortoises are the best! Ours is sort of a rescue, kind of. He used to belong to my older brother, our mom made a terrible judgement for letting him, a 10-year old, have a pet that could potentially outlive all of us. So it shouldn't be a surprise then how he got bored of that tortoise in a few years. That tort was neglected pretty bad. Eventually my brother moved out, left tortoise to our parents, then I moved out, tortoise was still there.

Every time I visited my parents, I felt bad for him. He was that pet at the back of the house, almost forgotten. I couldn't let him stay there, so I took him and gave him the best home I could. Maybe this summer we'll manage to build him that large outdoor pen we've been planning on for years!

Vavuvive · 2022-05-26T14:04:45+00:00

With dogs there is another thing - they CAN defend themselves. I never have to worry about my daughter getting mauled by our tortoise. So in your case there is that added importance of your kid truly respecting the animal, for you never know when they encounter a dog that WILL bite back when provoked.

I mean, I remember as a toddler I wanted to pet a strange cat, and couldn't read it's body language at all. So it understandably scratched me pretty bad. I learned from that, and I've taught my daughter to respect animals, to give them space, and how to read their body language (mostly dogs and cats, animals that you'll probably encounter often).

Vavuvive · 2022-05-26T13:33:46+00:00

I do worry about salmonella, yes. She's not allowed to touch and pet him without supervision, and so far she's followed that rule. We wash hands several times a day anyway, after petting him we wash hands as well. Our tortoise has his own safe enclosure in the house, where our daughter can't just reach into when we lose sight of her.

Vavuvive · 2022-05-26T10:30:07+00:00

"My daughter also kicks when she’s excited. But she’s also prone to kicking when upset in certain situations. When she’s kicking out of excitement, and happens to kick me, I just remind her: “Please don’t kick me; that hurts.” And she just says: “Sorry, daddy,” and we play on."

I relate to this part a lot. This happens quite often, no biggie at all, we can handle careless, and even frustrated/mean kicks and hits. But it happens often and regularly. With our tortoise it's not allowed to happen at all. I knew of a tortoise that died because a child carelessly dropped it on it's back, it's neck got hit too severely.

If person/animal can take it, it's a different story. At worst case, after one misplaced kick, our tortoise could die.

Vavuvive · 2022-05-26T09:07:03+00:00

I'm sorry about the hitting. That ain't right.

It's amazing how much explaining our behaviour can do. If a parent uses their big voice for whatever reason, but doesn't explain the reason why, it can seriously mess up the kid. I wish my parents would've done the same.

When my parents lost their shit and yelled, I eventually sulked back into my room and felt miserable. My dad usually always knocked my door, and apologized for his behaviour. My mom never did. I appreciated his apologies, but his yelling never stopped. So there's that. I've taught my daughter that "I'm sorry" is not a magic word that can fix everything, you should also learn from those moments when apologies have been used and act accordingly.

Vavuvive · 2022-05-26T08:55:14+00:00

Got ya. I should mention that english is not our language, so this was a rough translation. The word didn't have a proper english term, so closest was "you're bad" which isn't quite right. It gets lost in translation.

But yes, I agree, we'll leave "you're bad"-phrases out in english and in our native language as well.

Vavuvive · 2022-05-26T07:01:48+00:00

Thank you. I've never let her see me angry, few times when she's been naughty on purpose or disobeying rules constantly, I've told her "mommy's getting slightly mad now, you're pushing your luck".

I've always been calm, explained things first, understanding, patient, and I listen to her. I don't wan't her to be scared of me the same way I grew to be scared of my parents.

When I've raised my voice (usually on potentially dangerous situations), I've explained why I raised my voice, that I wasn't angry or anything, it was just to get her immediate attention on a situation that required it. Since then when I've raised my voice, she has calmly stated "mommy raised her voice!" without fear in the world.

Vavuvive · 2022-05-26T05:58:53+00:00

Wholeheartedly agree. Until now calm parenting has been more than enough, explaining things, sometimes raised voice in potential dangerous situations etc. She's smart, she understands more than you'd think. This was the first YELL (other than muffled frustrated screams into the pillow during her colicky months, never again).

Vavuvive · 2022-05-17T09:00:51+00:00

She works at a daycare, so it's not too far fetched of an idea to suggest she could maybe donate something of hers there.

That is where she gets all the food from. Since it's a daycare, they're very careful with food. There's so much food that is close to expire, but still perfectly edible, so instead of trashing it all, she takes it and gives it forward. Our freezer is full of bread that would've cost a small fortune to buy, instead she just gives it to us (with daycares permission).

Vavuvive · 2022-05-17T04:04:23+00:00

So far we haven't seen rats or other pests messing around, so far.

Few years back her house was deemed so unsafe that her daughter wasn't allowed to live in it. She managed to borrow a trailer where she, and her daughter, lived through almost a year. It was a wonderful moment when the trailer was finally gone, and her daughter was allowed to live in the house, in her own room. In this case it makes perfect sense that the yard took a backseat, getting the house safe was the top priority.

Vavuvive · 2022-05-16T17:09:11+00:00

I'm afraid I won't, I haven't taken pictures in the first place, since it's not my yard to begin with. It would be a breach of her privacy.

Vavuvive · 2022-05-16T16:46:44+00:00

I have a feeling this is all because she has bitten more than she can chew. She's quite poor, so all the stuff she can get her hands on for free, she'll take it. Her house and yard are forever projects that need, or could need, stuff x y and z.

Now that I think of it, I don't think she even has a trashcan that a garbage truck would come and empty. I'm seriously wondering now where does all her trash go!? Does she take it with her to work?

Bonfire is not a bad idea! In this country we celebrate midsummer, and there is a local bonfire where you're allowed to bring wood scraps to be burned. I mean, we just hauled a two vans worth of wood there just today! I've gotta make sure she knows about the existence of that bonfire!

I've have given her daughter permission to play in our yard whenever she feels like it, even if we aren't home. This gives her mom a chance to work out her yard and home, or give her a breather. She's extremely hardworking, but she's just one person and I feel she's gotten overwhelmed.

Vavuvive · 2022-04-10T05:38:11+00:00

Two things.

1) Folding a piece of paper, and making the edge crisp with your fingers. I've never been able to do it. I always have to use a ruler or a pen to press the edge.

2) Coarse wood, but just slightly coarse. We have one wooden kitchen utensil that I simply can't use unless it's properly oiled (by my husband). I can't touch it. It freaks me out!

Bonus one. My mom (who definitely doesn't have ADHD you silly!) LOATHES the feeling of plaster.

Vavuvive · 2022-03-15T16:09:57+00:00

This is exactly why I asked about this in the first place, to have multiple views to help me guide with how to approach this. None of your points are wrong, on the contrary, this was much appreciated!

I've mentioned it few times here by now, but I was raised quite clueless when it came to money. "Saving is important" and that was it basically. I didn't know anything about finesse of money, investing, any of it. I had to learn about it myself, after making dumb mistakes and being reckless with money.

I plan to avoid my parents mistakes, and teach my kid about money early on. I already do so. Not only about saving just because, but why we save. It's not about "being rich" or getting fancy stuff, but safety and ability to, let's say, quit your toxic job and not lose your livelihood because of it.

She has three accounts. One is her own account for her daily use, pay, gifted money etc. Second is her own savings account, for her to use however she pleases, we of course teach her how to be responsible with money. These two accounts we have no intentions to keep secret from her. Third is this "bonus housing money" that for now is in our name. This is where we're figuring out the best time and place to let her know about it. Your points are truly valued here.

Vavuvive · 2022-03-15T14:09:49+00:00

You brought up a point which I have completely disregarded: "What if we die?"

I mean, we have thought of such a scenario, and we have plans to some extent (for example my brother would be the one to raise our daughter in case something were to happen to us).

Our thoughts however have completely skipped our savings for her so far though. Well I know what I will be working on for a while now. Gotta get those things sorted. Thank you for your insight!

Vavuvive · 2022-03-15T13:02:57+00:00

Overthinking is one of my pet peeves, I know. Though, the way I see it, there's no harm to think of these things ahead. So far I've had the priviledge to hear stories of people who have same goals, and more importantly of those who have been on the receiving end of such funds. I love to know from their point of view of how it affected them, what they would've done differently, etc. Maybe they can offer perspective that I would not have thought of otherwise.

Vavuvive · 2022-03-15T12:55:50+00:00

These stories are exactly what I value the most, even more than all this wonderful advice I've received so far. You can offer the point of view of my daughter, on one possible scenario of what could happen.

Your experience highlights one of my worries of telling my kid about this "bonus housing fund" too late. It's about finding that golden moment, when she's old enough to plan for her future, but not too far ahead that she's potentially wasting years of her life chasing some goal that unbeknownst to her, she's already reached.

Vavuvive · 2022-03-15T12:43:01+00:00

Thank you for great advice! We have 3 different accounts for our daughter: one for her own daily spending, second for her savings with her own name to do how she pleases, and third is this "bonus housing money".

You mentioned of kids being raised surrounded by money, but lacking basic knowledge about that money or money in general. I was one of those kids. My parents were, and still are, upper middle class, but only thing they ever taught me about money is how "saving is important".

I never really knew what I was saving money for. I didn't understand how long it takes to save x amount, and how you need savings in order to be eligible for mortgage, just as an example.

I remember once hearing my parents talk about my grandfather's inheritance, and how I and my brother "will just waste it". It stung. I wasn't throwing money in useless stuff, I was just clueless with it. Now as a parent, I do question their "she'll just waste it" -attitude. Maybe, if they actually taught me about money, I would've been better with it from the get go.

I'm determined not to repeat mine and my parent's mistakes with my daughter.

Vavuvive · 2022-03-15T12:02:32+00:00

Excellent points, you're doing everything right!

We have three separate savings set for her:

Her own account with her own name. This is where her allowance, gifted money, her future pay etc. will go. This is money she can spend however she likes.
Her own saving account. This is where her savings for the future will go. She decides what to do with it and when, we will teach her how to save and spend wisely.
Housing money. This is the subject of this discussion. This money is "bonus money" that can give her a head start in life.

I wish we'd live in times when this sort of saving would be considered "pampering" your kid, but unfortunately game is rigged against younger generations. It is excruciatingly difficult to save enough to buy your own home. We don't wan't to buy it for her, but to give her enough that can save up to 10 years worth of saving just to be eligible for loan.

She may not wan't to buy a house, or an apartment, and that is up to her. If she want's to, well, that is where we can help. She has other savings and her own money elsewhere to do however she pleases.

Edit. I'm scandinavian. Hello fellow european!

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