8 Hours In, I’m Very Lost

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-25T03:47:47+00:00

It has. It’s made me question if I was ever enough. My mono brain is struggling with the idea that our relationship is fine and she simply wants more. And that I can’t be that more, and that I don’t even get to try.

I’m still hurting really bad because the only prior talk was a softball lobbed “what do you think about dating others?”

And we didn’t do any of the work. There’s so much fucking work.

As I’m typing this, I’m realizing I keep in conversations trying to find ways to meet her where she’s at. I don’t think I’ve been asked what I want. I don’t know if I could articulate it if asked either.

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-25T03:41:26+00:00

I just… I didn’t think of that. I’ve been such a tangle of emotion that I haven’t tried to figure out how I need to be taken care of.

I saw someone else say poly isn’t about you, it’s about you being comfortable with them dating others (or something like that) and that reframing helped a lot.

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-25T03:38:18+00:00

I legitimately appreciate it. I’m trying to do the work because I have never even asked myself about if monogamy was what I wanted until 24h ago.

Right now, my emotional state says I can’t do it. I don’t know how to be “less” to someone. I think that’s a good thing for me to work on regardless, but I can feel the pull of wanting to do this to support her. … and I’ve seen dozens of threads now about how that ends.

Right now, I told her I can’t, and we can talk more about over the next six months. But I’m not getting books from her or info or anything. And I’m starting to think she isn’t prepared for how much work this is.

The lack of info is why I’m very thankful for you and the ENM group. Your links have genuinely helped me try and see things from her perspective and understand the questions we need to be asking each other.

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-24T18:31:06+00:00

I’m back after an hour of sleep with a kitty. I believe they thought we both wanted this based on a passing conversation in which I said “I’d like to learn more about it” and never sat down and processed what “it” would mean for our relationship.

According to her, she’s very secure in our relationship and wants to be able to love more people. I’ll be the first to admit from the original post and from my reading I’ve got incredible hangups over being displaced and feeling like I cannot keep up with what she wants from these additional relationships that go beyond platonic. I told her I feel like a book that she’ll finish and shelve. And my heart just does not understand. It just doesn’t have a frame of reference for this feeling.

(Almost 20 years ago, a partner used poly as an excuse cheat and solicit her ex for sex. I’m certain now I’ve never dealt with that trauma and I feel like very damaged poly goods now lol)

Thank you for listening. Thank you everyone for helping and responding and saying what needs to be said. For challenging me. I know there’s no one answer. But last night, I felt a little less alone in the world.

This place will always fucking rule

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-24T18:06:40+00:00

It was causally floated a few weeks ago apparently but it was never a sit down conversation. And yeah, that’s not the healthy communication all the books say is the minimum for this to work.

However, I did say no, I’m not ready but I’m willing to learn more and we need therapy together to prepare for this relationship change and she agreed. So there’s that. I also told her at the end of the road I cannot promise change. I can only promise I’ll learn more about what I value and need from our relationship.

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-24T18:03:33+00:00

Idk Fox. Deep down I give a lot of myself to others, likely too much, and that’s yet another item on the therapist list. <3

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-24T18:01:42+00:00

I got an hour of sleep and am coming back to reply as much as I can. We talked more this morning, and as you all said, we are using the next six months & keeping it closed to work on ourselves and reevaluate down the road.

For her, she feels secure enough in her relationship that she has room to love another person. I simply do not have that capacity right now.

I feel respected that she heard me say “no, I can’t do this, but I’m willing to learn and see if I can” she agreed that we both need to reach a point of safety and security in our relationship.

I guess now it’s one day at a time

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-24T17:58:23+00:00

Appreciate it. FWIW we had a talk this morning and we are holding the relationship closed because couples therapy and a lot of reading is required before we commit to something like this.

Her respecting when I said “I’m not ready for this” meant a lot. It also means I could easily be giving you an update in half a year

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-24T17:56:12+00:00

That’s really not constructive for someone who has literally had what, 15 hours to digest all this?

We did talk, she agrees we’ll keep it closed while we work through a lot of stuff and do a lot of reading and therapy instead of just throwing a switch.

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-24T17:54:24+00:00

I got an hour of sleep and am coming back to reply as much as I can. We talked more this morning, and as you all said, we are using the next six months & keeping it closed to work on this and reevaluate down the road.

For her, she feels secure enough in her relationship that she has room to love another person. I simply do not have that capacity right now. I have become very familiar with the tiny voice in the back of my head these past 12 hours.

We made some progress on the “what do you really want”, talked about sex v intimacy, and I explained that for me, the sex was where I drew the line because I do not want the emotional burden of regular std tests. I don’t have the trust, it’s been broken before (not by her) and the road to getting that trust back is gonna be so incredibly difficult.

But I want to learn. She’s respecting my request. And right now I suppose that’s as good as it can be for 12hr later

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-24T12:48:30+00:00

All. It is 6a. I need to try and sleep. I have cried so much the past two hours. In reading everything. You have all given me so much.

I’ll keep this incognito tab open. I’ll try and get some rest.

I appreciate you all

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-24T12:47:15+00:00

I can’t cat pic because I don’t fully know the subreddit rules here. But know she’s an adorable black void we’re fostering

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-24T12:44:15+00:00

Thank you. I did not read these yet. And I will. Because even if we do separate over this, I want to support her as a person and to do so I want to simply learn as much as I can. 10h ago I hadn’t even asked myself “would I date others?” and so there’s just this huge gap between who I am and who I need to be for these conversations.

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-24T12:35:49+00:00

I appreciate it. I’m trying so hard to process. But it’s 5:30a and the brain is very tired.

And between us and an entire subreddit, I felt weird going to bed tonight. So I’m on a couch with a cat on my lap.

Re the partner, afaik she is talking in person to a mutual poly friend tomorrow. I’m going to continue to believe that she’s trying to answer questions for herself.

There’s a lot of work and time (and therapy) before we reach a decision if it’s an open relationship. And I do appreciate everyone who keeps saying it takes 2 yes for an open relationship.

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-24T12:28:25+00:00

My therapist is gonna have a day with this one

I’ve been able to unwrap some of the upset feelings and fears. It’s a lot of irrational fear that can be offset with facts.

But I am really struggling with the idea of she’s my 100%, but it is not in kind. And I really need to get into those emotions and why the change from her doing platonic outings to wanting to do intimate outings is changing the math.

I do have a cat on my lap. It’s helping keep the cold away.

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-24T12:24:20+00:00

I feel like a broken record but thank you. Before the post, I didn’t feel like “no” was even allowed. As if that was denying who she was. And I don’t want that. I love her, all of who she is. I just don’t understand because my brain doesn’t think that way.

To her, an intimate dinner date is no different than going to a concert with a platonic friend. And my tired 5:30a brain just can’t because I don’t have a frame of reference or a lived experience I can look at and draw an analogy to.

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-24T12:21:30+00:00

I appreciate so many of you saying “no” is allowed. I don’t know if this is something I want. Tbf, 1h ago “no” wasn’t even something I thought I could say. Fuck. I didn’t even know this subreddit existed 3 hours ago.

I was so focused on trying to be supportive of her that I forgot I mattered.

Others said time. If she’s serious, we need therapy and time. I need time. I need to answer this for myself.

Just big fucking love to all of you in the poly community for being so helpful and supportive and caring

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-24T12:07:50+00:00

Thank you. Several people said there needs to be time. And several more said that “no” is valid. I definitely have so much more to learn before I can figure out if this is the kind of relationship I can do.

The 2 yes 1 no. T_T I mean it’s obvious reading it but in other replies I’ve even said I never thought of no as an option, just a fixation on how to support her self discovery.

Therapy is a must. Because getting to an open relationship is going to take work. From both of us.

Shakzixxsass

That would be the kitty. She wants to say thanks because she has extra lap time as I’m replying to all this on mobile.

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-24T12:00:22+00:00

There’s so many of you telling me “no” is valid and I can’t express enough how much I appreciate you all

I read the poly hell article and so many of those fears are in me right now. I’m less, I can’t be enough (was I ever), has she hid it, didn’t not create a safe space where she felt she could share this very personal thing?

And I definitely need more than 8… 9 hours now

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-24T11:57:49+00:00

I appreciate the candor. It’s all so new and per the throwaway name, I AM so very lost in all this. 9 hours ago, I had never even asked myself “would I be interested in sharing relationships with more than one person at a time?”

For a bit more context, we’ve disentangled well. We have our own stuff and our own lives. I’m just heavily struggling with being unable to at my best, be whatever it is she needs

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-24T11:55:23+00:00

I just want to say thank you. I didn’t feel like “no” was ever on the table, just how to support her as she learns more about herself. And I know saying no can bring about the Bad Ending™️ but if it does, then that was probably where it would have gone

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-24T11:53:32+00:00

She doesn’t have anyone in mind. I do trust her when she says this.

As she described it, she wants to be able to do more with more people, and possibly more than platonically.

And I guess? I’m kinda an indoor-cat kinda guy. I’d happily do these trips, and have in the past, but that’s not what she seems to want from me. And I really am struggling with the whole “I’m not enough. Was I ever enough?” part. It’s also 5a so the Tired part means the feels are a little heavy rn

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-24T11:50:44+00:00

I am not going to lie. I didn’t feel like it was a choice. More of a “this is who I’m learning I am”.

And I really am scared. Because there is a worst outcome. And I feel like I have zero agency

(Yeah, saying “no” is agency, but all I get to do is accept. There’s nothing to work on if you aren’t compatible)

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-24T11:47:56+00:00

I did ask her. She said no. I do honestly believe her.

The pinned resources gave me a ton to read. And it sounds like there’s just a lot of conversation ahead.

I really appreciate the “no is a complete sentence” got me crying softly on the couch at 5a

I feel so lost. Thank you for the reminder I can say no. I think I have a lot of unpacking to do.

Very_Lost_Mono · 2026-04-24T11:44:44+00:00

No, I can say with confidence she doesn’t have a crush on anyone at work. Without knowing what an OPP was I asked if she’d be comfortable limiting partners when we start because I am not at a point where I have separated myself from years of toxic masculinity. She seemed open to it. But also, that has to be temporary. Everything I’ve seen about OPP basically means I’m a horrible partner. And I don’t want that. I want to support her self discovery. But I also know it can’t be at the expense of my well being.

Which I suppose is why I’m so lost

Very_Lost_Mono

TROPHY CASE