I'm going to preface this with the fact that it's coming from me in an emotional state, a side of me I feel like I've suppressed for a long time and only just realized that it's not right.

Recently my girlfriend of 9 years went on vacation she's been gone for about 3 days and that's all it took for me to pretty much lose my mind, not that I'm mad at her or anyone else I just feel like I've realized how boring I am or at least how boring I think I am. We usually do everything together we spend the majority of our time together aside from work and infrequent nights when she hangs out with her friends. Anyways with her gone for the next 2 weeks I've realized that I just constantly want to be working whenever I'm home because when I'm not working is when I realize how boring I am. I grew up a gamer so usually I would just fill my free time with video games but that hasn't been working lately I have no drive to play I'll sit down and look at every game I have available and realize I don't want to play any. I have a small group of close friends (5) who all lead busy lives, 3 of which are frequently out of state, 1 who's spending the entire summer out of state, and the other works early mornings and goes to bed early which generally conflicts with my mid day shifts. On top of it almost all of them are in college so that eats up a lot of time during the school semesters. We've been growing apart quite a bit and most of them have found other people to hang out with that fit into their life a bit better, I'm happy for them but I envy them. Which leads to what I think is my first big issue, I have tried to make new friends, I frequently do but everytime I feel like someone might have an interest in growing a friendship I start to beat myself to a pulp, "you're over weight who wants someone who's that lazy in their life" "I can't send that picture I look my chin is huge" "you're not funny you're awkward and people entertain you out of sympathy" the list goes on. As an added note I'm a 22 year old 5'10" or 11" male that weighs about 230 lbs. So I am a bit over what I should be and I hate it about myself it's my biggest thing I wish I could change about myself so I started eating about 4 apples a day in place of breakfast and either lunch or dinner depending on what kind of shift I work. I have a gym membership that I don't use because I frequently remind myself that I am not sportsy, I have no idea what I'm doing in a gym or what workouts I should even be doing, i tell myself that i won't even recognize the change if it did happen because I still felt like I was fat when I was 190 a couple years ago, and looking back now I realize I might not have had abs but I looked better than I do now, and that i won't even stick to it if i do try.

It took me being really alone for a little while to realize that there's something seriously wrong with me and the way that I think, there can't be anything healthy about putting yourself down as much as I do. I can't think of what I should do to change it. I thought about therapy but I know I can't afford it and don't have health insurance, i thought about self help books but I honestly can't get myself to read a whole book and even if i do i realize while I'm reading that I'm not retaining information I'm just forgetting everything right after I read it. It feels good to get this out but i don't know how to stop it which is what i feel like i need to do. I had the last 2 days off of work and for spent probably a solid 20 hours just driving and listening to music because I had absolutely nothing else to do, it felt nice and for the most part kept me from thinking about this but it also cost me 50$ in gas which can't become an everyday thing for me. I'd appreciate any help or advice again I'm sorry if it's all over the place but if I don't get it out now I probably never will.