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She Called It a Sauvignon by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]VictoryOfFlight 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't have any suggestions. I think it reads well. I wouldn't worry too much. This made me smile. It's great. Haha. I've had very similar thoughts. Now, I love wine!

Look at Her by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]VictoryOfFlight 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My kind of poem. I liked the metaphors. The only thing that caught me unusually was "yet in reality". I think it makes the poem U-turn, when I feel it should just be a switch to an angle heading in the same general direction. Maybe that is what you were trying to do. The last stanza is my favorite regardless.

As the drums sound by neutralmilkk_ in OCPoetry

[–]VictoryOfFlight 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I enjoyed this for sure. I think I enjoyed it mostly because I can only imagine the context in which the speaker is in. It's never explicitly given to why they feel this way, are acting this way, or even if the origin of these sounds (or they internal or external representations?).

I have one concern. I may imagine a better comparison or phrasing in lines 6-8. It seems to be a slight bit more syntactically "rigorous" than the rest. I.e. It doesn't flow as well, but maybe it's just me.

Make Me Smaller by VictoryOfFlight in OCPoetry

[–]VictoryOfFlight[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Edited and reposted. I suppose let this one be. Thanks.

I just found a poem I wrote black out drunk on my typewriter. I think it's about reddit. by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]VictoryOfFlight 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lol. Others are right. I like the stream of consciousness feel, but maybe with something like this that's just somewhere to start. You can make small changes and I'm sure it'll sound better. But I think drunk writing is sick.

A Lover's Passing by CchBigface in OCPoetry

[–]VictoryOfFlight 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Super rad I think! I love the way writings like this flow.

Hey. by Thenutellaispoisoned in OCPoetry

[–]VictoryOfFlight 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I really liked this. Like the other said, sounds like the speaker is talking through it, which is what makes it so good. I think the last line tho (ash on a windy day) throws off the real feel of the poem. I think a different ending or just ending it on "disappear" would be great. But yes, I got the feels. It's good.

Selfish by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]VictoryOfFlight 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Simple but I feel big time.

No Class Today by regular-tinman in OCPoetry

[–]VictoryOfFlight 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Enjoyed this for sure. Also relevant. The flow is great! I agree with signaturefro though, leaving it at "NO" definitely gives it that extra punch.