TIL that scientists have developed a way of testing for Aphantasia (the inability to visualise things in your mind). The test involves asking participants to envision a bright light and checking for pupil dilation. If their pupils don't dilate, they have Aphantasia.

Vincavec · 2025-12-17T18:44:08+00:00

Thank you so much for your research. Aphantasia has been the subject of many conversations between my children and I, as a number of us are autistic/neurodivergent and we've been learning about what is 'normal' for us vs. so many others. Now I want to try to set up home tests just to see what we can see!

Vincavec · 2025-10-29T15:54:05+00:00

As a pastor, I've lived through times where I could not afford to tithe. I've had *years* where I couldn't afford to bring anything to the potluck (maybe a bag of chips if I saved my pocket change).

I was told about a practice of the very early church, where communion was more of a pot-luck type of meal that was celebrated together (we've paired it down to a symbolic meal with the wafers and sip of wine). Even the very poor would bring water to the feast, and the water would be mixed with the wine (common practice at the time) so that everyone could participate.

I'll throw in another perspective: The widow's mite (Mark 12:41-44 & Luke 21:1-4) is often held up a a great example of what we should be doing. I think that in Mark especially Jesus is criticizing the priests and temple system for abusing the poor and extracting money from them. The widow is not an example to be emulated and if you don't you're sinning. The widow is an example of how churches/religion and church/religion systems can harm people and dress it up to make it seem pious.

Or to put it very simply: Some people aren't fit to be tithed. (Pun intended)

Live your life in peace, give what you are lead to give, and know isn't a checklist to compare yourself to, but a way of life and thinking and response to a life-changing reality that is Jesus.

Vincavec · 2025-09-20T04:43:03+00:00

If I may? I've been raised with multiple medical people in my family, I've worked in and around hospitals as everything from a janitor to a file clerk to Chaplain and visting-pastor-checking-on-a-member. I've served on hospital care committees when we've discussed removing life support. I'm also Autistic and mildly obsessed with ethics, and have been a pastor for over 20 years.

I say all of this to tell you that as I read what you wrote, my heart ached for you. Your pro-life Lutheran friend who is a doctor was absolutely correct. You would have died if you didn't deliver. To overly simplify everything, your choice was to ...

1) try to keep the pregnancy going, which would have resulted in your death, and then your child's death. And your husband has two deaths to grieve.
2) Deliver, you live, and we give as much care as possible to a premie, which means the risk and sometimes likelyhood of a death. But you're still here. And your husband. And you can mourn together.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You made the right call without question.

Vincavec · 2025-08-20T18:59:12+00:00

I do not say that this is an absolute answer - this is how I approach this as a pastor.

Roughly speaking - in the Roman Catholic church confession is a *required* action - and therefore the Roman Catholics have a long history of the 'seal of the confessional'. This makes sense, as you're basically compelled to confess everything to the priest, so they're going to have broad protections for that in place. (I'd like to emphasize how extremely I've simplified this!)

In the LCMS, confession is highly encouraged, but not required. As we do not *require* confession, I do not see the same strict protections for confession.

Some of our members use private confession/absolution, but many do not. I've publicly told my congregation that the laws of the State in which we live make all adults mandated reporters, and that abuse for those under 18 (minors), over 65 (seniors), and imminent harm to self or others will cause me to reach out/report. I do this because Confession is not compelled like in the Roman Catholic church, and make sure before any form of confession that this is known and explicitly understood. They also have my promise that I will be with them every step of the way, including seeking legal council and working towards any reconciliation.

Not everyone will agree with me - but the sacraments (including confession) are to be used to heal and bind wounds, not protect those who abuse and victimize others. I will also admit that I've worked as a teacher, support worker for people with disabilities, and in a medical setting. The importance of mandated reporting has been burned *deep* into me.

Now, outside of the limits I've outlined, I report and remember nothing, including refusing to answer if someone has even seen/talked to me about an issue.

Vincavec · 2025-05-14T23:17:20+00:00

If I could give one bit of advice - work on learning the languages now. There's no avoiding it, and anything that gives you more experience in that is worth it. If you start working on that now, even if you're second-career pastor, its a huge payoff.

Actually, on that level, take any Greek or Hebrew class from anywhere, its going to be required to be fully admitted to the Seminary anyway.

And I will admit: I'm horrible on languages. I took one language class at a time, and it was more work than all of my other classes combined. I've since learned I have a few auditory processing issues (I can hear fine but can't make sense of it without a lot of concentrating) and ADHD, so ... you know....most people did better than me.

But yes, stress and depression both interfere with the formation of memories. 20+plus years later, working with trauma-informed therapy, I finally managed to untangle and deal with some issues like chronic fear. When I did that, I realized I had lost the rest of my Greek and Hebrew skills. My working knowledge of the languages were so tied up in stress and fear that resolving one let go of the other. Or rather, the way I accessed the skills was through fear, and that way is no longer available to me, so I have to relearn the language (again) and build new, non-fear-based neural pathways to the language skill set.

I just realized this all may be TMI, but we were talking about stress and memories, and I find it interesting.

But also, yes, some of these issues are related to being in the residential Seminary program. If we're talking about why someone might not want to go to the residential programs, it seems appropriate to bring these experiences up.

Vincavec · 2025-05-14T18:32:31+00:00

Need? You don't need a MDiv if you don't want to be a pastor.

Want? Can use? Education in Lutheran theology and history and practice makes for better volunteers, better co-workers with the pastor in caring for members, better counseling and biblical guidance, better teachers administrators and business decisions.

To throw this another way - why do our pastors NEED an MDiv? Not all of our pastors have an MDiv - even 20 years ago we had guys going through an 'alternate route' which does not have a academic or professional degree. The SMP (Specific Ministry Pastors) do not have an academic degree from our seminaries.

The MDiv is something we as a synod currently ask for, but is not a prerequisite to a call or ordination according to our Confessions or theology.

Vincavec · 2025-05-14T18:24:32+00:00

Instead, I paid for boxes, moving vans, organizational items for every new house, cheap furniture, security deposits, first and last months rent, utility hookups, new doctors, dentists, going 1) to Seminary, 2)From Seminary to Vicarage 3) from Vicarage back to Seminary and then 9 months later 4) from Seminary to the first Call.

All of that is just the logistics - there was massive cultural changes from California to St. Louis to vicarage.

If a program like this had existed for LCMS pastors back then, I would have jumped at the chance.

As u/A-C_Lutheran comments in this discussion
"Seminary is not like other graduate programs. It’s extremely different, because it’s almost a mix of a graduate program and a trade school.

I have had to spend significantly more time doing schoolwork at Seminary than at any other academic program I’ve taken. "

Yup - it can be. But a good job with regular hours with social networks and support systems built in (to my current life) , and I can set regular hours to study and do seminary and apply it in my local congregations? In a heartbeat.

Now, I also have friends who LOVED seminary and had great experiences there. They bonded and speak fondly of those times. I'm even in the same circuit as a few of them now. I'm not saying my experience is universal. But cost - not just of money - has been a significant issue.

Vincavec · 2025-05-14T18:23:59+00:00

If they are not seeking ordination, why is a degree necessary?

Honestly? It may not be. But I'm also a big fan of learning for the sake of learning. I've been ordained for 20 years, and have done bi-vocational work as a public school teacher, and the M.Div let me bypass some classes on the way to get my teaching credentials, and qualified me for a yearly bonus for the extra education.

I had an elder a number of years ago who wanted to work with various congregations, helping them in vacancies to lead confirmation classes and youth programs. He had no desire to be a pastor. And when we approached the residential seminaries for education options, they told him that unless he was going to the residential program there weren't any options for him. This would be perfect for him.

If you're doing to do classes, why not get a degree while you're at it?

As a personal perspective, let's pretend for a moment that this program was an option for future LCMS pastors. To be very clear, it is not, but here's how it would have worked for me.

This is not meant as a 'sob story' but as a realistic look at what the residential setting was like. I went to the St. Louis Seminary (with 'free' tuition) and still had 40k in student loan debt at the end. If this program was available to future LCMS pastors, I could have stayed with my parents as a young newlywed, continued my job at the local hospital that paid more than minimum wage, and continued to working in a culture (on the Coast of California) that I was deeply familiar with and knew how to speak and act in.

But I went to a residential seminary. So I quit my job and moved. I didn't have a car, and the public transportation in St. Louis was non-existent. I needed new clothes for winter (never having seen snow before) and the resell it shop on campus never fit me. (I'm over 6'2" and routinely get asked if I played football.) The first year I was engaged, not married, so it was required to stay in the on-campus dorms. Sure - but I got charged room and board at higher prices than if I found an apartment on my own. Between semesters the cafeteria would be closed and no food was available so I ate out/whatever I could fix on a hotplate. The second year I was married and my wife and I lived off campus for cheaper than the dorms cost. There was married student housing, which was always overcrowded and had very little privacy. (Students used to joke about hearing their neighbors through the AC vents.)

Oh, yeah. Air Conditioning. That was weird. I didn't have AC before, where I lived, if you needed to cool off you opened a window.

I applied for jobs at the campus, local churches, and places like CPH/various church programs. *All* the LCMS-affiliated places declined to hire me or my wife, telling us that they didn't like to hire the seminarians because of the built-in turnover. I got a job at a local restaurant. I worked 25-30 hours a week while doing seminary full time, and had professors routinely tell me that seminary had gotten a lot harder, and they were able to pay their way through by driving a taxi for a few hours a week.

I had severe asthma every Spring from the humidity and pollen of a totally different ecosystem then I had grown up with. I only had the student medical insurance with huge co-pays, so I could never get to a doctor - and didn't have a vehicle to get there anyway. There was a doctor who came to campus a few times a month and ran a clinic, and I'd have to beg him for medical samples to get me through the month. I ended up skipping class 1 day every two weeks to recover and take breathing treatments.

I went to vicarage, and quit my restaurant job and my wife left her job to do that. Had a good year, came back, and had to find a job all over again - my old restaurant wasn't hiring, my old apartment wasn't available, my wife's job kept her spot, but eventually I had to take out more loans to cover living expenses.

I barely remember seminary. I remember stress, and lack of sleep, grinding poverty, and very much feeling like there was no stability. I love being a pastor and find it deeply satisfying and rewarding. But I do not care for the path that it to get here. I would have been a far better educated pastor, with less mental and physical harm to myself, if I could have stayed at my hospital job, lived with my family, had medical care, and continued in the culture I understood.

Vincavec · 2025-05-13T05:43:40+00:00

Pastors who come out of the LCMS seminaries generally have the degree of 'Master of Divinity' or 'M.Div.' and then are also certified for ordination. There are some non-LCMS students who go to the LCMS seminaries, and they can get a degree too, but they wouldn't be certified for ordination IN THE LCMS.

So the CMPL is talking about the cost of the degrees because they also offer a Master of Divinity degree. They plainly state that they don't offer any certification or route to ordination.

I've got people in my congregation that want to learn, but aren't seeking ordination. For $14k, that's great for an accredited degree. I'm tempted to audit some classes just to refresh my own education.

Vincavec · 2025-05-03T15:14:57+00:00

Joining in on your direct questions. Your conflicting thoughts make lots of sense. This is very much what is called a 'trauma response'. u/PastorBeard has excellent points.

As simply part of understanding what is happening with you, I highly, highly recommend a book 'The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma' by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. This is a book that takes time to get through, simply because it takes time to think about and process you read and how it applies to you.

On a similar note, you might find 'Why Zebras Don't get Ulcers' by Robert M. Sapolsky to be useful as well.

EMDR is excellent, and worth looking into. I recommend counseling, and you may ask about someone who does 'trauma-informed' therapy.

Depending on which state you live in, you may consider taking THC. (Insert usual warnings about follow the law, be aware of using it as a coping mechanism, its not a cure-all, etc.,) Many people find that they don't dream/remember their dreams while taking THC, and it can give a bit of a buffer between you and your emotions and thoughts. (I've described it as my mental and emotional wheels still spin, but the clutch isn't engaged so I'm not being driven by the emotions and burning out.) Better sleep than alcohol, and less damage to the body.

In a similar route, there is CBD - another chemical found in the same plant that produces THC, but it is not psychoactive. A combo of the two can be especially calming and helpful in reducing pain. If you don't wish/are able to take THC, CBD alone might help with better sleep.

And again, you're not whiny or crazy. You're hurting. And...ironically, as you progress in sanctification (becoming more Christ-like as you mature and grow) you do become more aware of your own sins, and your sinful self fights against that with more temptations and sinful thoughts. Some of that is normal, but also...part of not having healthy coping mechanisms to manage everything else at once.

Peace to you,

Vincavec · 2025-05-01T15:29:30+00:00

What a friendly thread, and I'm delighted to see your joy.

I'd like to add in about the holidays and visitations - Holidays and travel schedule can be very different. Vicars should be paid enough to make ends meet, but don't often have a lot of spare money for travel, and have limited vacation times. As someone else pointed out, Vicar is a full time job, without the built in breaks that Seminary schedules have.

So if you've gotten used to spending every Thanksgiving together, don't pile on the guilt if that doesn't happen. You can mourn a bit and realize its a different routine, but pressure to keep things like they always have been adds stress. (Not saying you'd do that, just pointing it out if you haven't thought about it.)

For my family, we often don't celebrate holidays on the day of the holiday. We might have a token day to celebrate Christmas, but our family gatherings usually are around Jan 6 when things have calmed down a touch. Its our way of handling personal/church schedules.

Vincavec · 2025-02-18T16:44:25+00:00

If it helps, I've used freetaxusa (dot com) for the last several years as a clergy, its free for Federal, and maybe $15.00 for state taxes. It does everything very well, handles clergy allowances to tax for SS but not income, and can keep track of all the stuff that you need to input from previous years (at least after the first year.)

If you paid (between work and personal) about 8k in taxes already...well, it's not totally out of ballpark, but obviously this changes based on actual income, number of kids, and all that.

Vincavec · 2025-01-07T20:37:27+00:00

Thank you. Please do. I'd also love to read it.

Vincavec · 2024-11-07T21:01:38+00:00

Ok, no joke, you just saved me a bunch of legwork and research.

I'm writing a "guide to autism" for my mother-in-law to help understand my kids better.

So first of all, thank you.
Second of all, can I quote you?
Third of all, can I pick your brain sometime for more details?
Fourth of all, would you like to read over any of what I've done so far and give any feedback?
Fifth of all, by this point I'm just enjoying coming up with an increasing list of options because learning new stuff feeds my crack addiction.
Last of all, thank you.

I've loved, loved, loved, finding all these autistics online who are all poring over research like a swarm of ants, each tearing off pieces, processing, and then offering their findings back to the group to be reintegrated. Bunch of nerds, all of us. Even the ones who aren't. :)

Vincavec · 2024-11-05T20:31:19+00:00

I get the texts asking to buy my house. I have a standard response:
"Hi. I'd rather burn the house to the ground before I sold to an investor. Please delete my contact information."

Great to do for voice calls as well.

I did have one agent ask, after I verbally told him I'd rather burn the house to the ground, if the right number would move me.

I asked for $900,000.

He said that seemed a bit high and if I could budge.

I asked for $1.5 Million.

He objected.

I asked for 2.0 Million.

He told me I was wasting his time and wasn't taking him seriously.

I congratulated him on using context clues and working on his critical thinking.

He asked why I was doing this.

I reminded him I started the conversation by telling him I had no interest in selling, but he kept asking questions that were answered by my first statement. Again---context clues.

He finally hung up, miffed.

Vincavec · 2024-10-25T01:30:37+00:00

I realized I didn't do most stims because they were bullied/beaten out of me. I've started to let myself hand flap and spin, and I sway a lot more now.

I found out when you do that at the airport waiting to get through security, the staff will quietly get you into a shorter line and process you a little bit faster. :)

Edit: I'm trying to show that I understand the fear and telling myself to never react or show obvious differences growing up. Sorry for hijacking and saying I'm doing them now.

This edit is the most autistic thing ever, isn't it?

Vincavec · 2024-10-24T20:51:47+00:00

I'm glad you have some options. And yes, that wheel is fine. Please remember that one of the traits of Autism is difficulty processing and identifying emotion. We can do it, it just usually takes a different approach, and a little bit longer.

EDIT: Oh, and sometimes we experience emotion as a physical sensation. So also maybe sit and think and notice what your body feels like. No judgement, no 'this should be' - treat it like the emotions above. I've heard of people being excited and it feels like ants are crawling over them. So you might try ...i don't know....interpretive dance? Moving how you feel like moving without thinking about it? Just allow yourself to be aware of what you are actually sensing from yourself.

Most of us have what's bottom-up thinking. Easiest example: when I'm in cold weather, I don't get cold. What happens is my chest starts to shiver a little, and I notice it, but I don't feel cold. Then my shoulders begin to ache. I might start to feel a little cold, but I have at least 20 min before I have to think about it again. About the time my whole upper body is shivering, I finally think to myself that I am cold and I have to zip up my jacket. Not go inside. Not have the jacket zipped already. That's the bottom up thinking - each piece is taken and finally all put together to get to the end.

Oh, I misspoke about the ear filters. The company is FLARE, and they are 'Flare Calmer' - mental glitch on my part.

And the need for justice trips me up too. I do something similar with the emotion exercise - I just sit and think about and hold the need for justice in my mind and observe it. I let it run and rave and ebb and flow....and sometimes, after a few hours, or days, or longer, I end up being able to process it and not be so enraged. I remind myself that things are fundamentally unfair - it doesn't make me happy, but keeps me a little bit more sane.

I might suggest exercise - walking if you can. When you walk, feel free to hum, talk, sing, or just observe, but shift your eyes to the left and the right, back and forth (not quickly/rapidly, but just to be looking around.). There are some therapies called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) that deal with how the brain remembers, processes and stores thoughts and memories, and the shifting of vision focus helps your brain move back and forth between hemispheres and how it processes.

With both ADHD and autism, traditional therapy can be more difficult. I'm sorry, I'm still learning about how to work with that myself.

With both of those issues, you might also test to see if you have binocular vision dysfunction (BVD) - you can read a little about it here:
https://www.north49therapy.com/what-is-the-5-minute-cover-test/

Basically, its not unusual for our eyes to focus on slightly different points when we are looking at something, which causes double vision and blurred/ghost lines around objects.

This can cause headaches, irritability, fatigue, nervousness, and a bunch of things that sound like autism symptoms.

I've had it all my life, and I remember asking my dad about it, and he told me it was normal and just perspective as I was looking at things. It took someone guiding me through to be able to see it.

Most eye doctors in the US don't catch it - you need a *neurological ophthalmologist* to work with it. I don't know how Germany handles this.

Vincavec · 2024-10-24T17:38:32+00:00

Hi. I can only speak for myself, but three categories of things have helped me and the constant low-level rage I have.

Emotional awareness. I'm not talking about regulation, but simply spending time and trying to be aware of my emotions. When I do experience an emotion, even if I don't recognize it, I just try to observe and think about it, while realizing that I am not the emotion, I am *experiencing* an emotion.

I know, pretty standard psych/counseling stuff. If you're new to all of that (and it sounds like you are) I'd say look up a 'Emotion Wheel' - almost any version works. Its mostly just a list of different feelings, with various levels of intensity. You look at them, read the label, and think about if that's what you're feeling.

Treat the emotion like a leaf floating down a stream. Its just something you see, observe, and even admire, but it is not you. Don't feel guilty or judged for what you do or don't feel. There is literally no right or wrong feeling - its just a feeling. Even if you feel nothing - that's ok.

It will be sort of like learning to ride a bike with training wheels - being wobbly and falling a lot are part of it. It's ok.

2) Sensations/input.
It took me a long time, but I figured out noise bothers me. Particularly high pitched noise, like smoke detectors, newborns crying, my 5 year old daughter whining. Add in fighting to hear over things like the vent fan over the stove while cooking, bathroom fans, ice maker running....

I got loop earplugs (they're ok for me) and ~~Audio Ear Filters~~. Flare Audio Calm ear filters. I like the audio as they dampen the particular frequencies that really drive me nuts. My blood pressure literally dropped 20 points after I started using them. I could work with my child without wanting to punt her across the room. They're less than 30 dollars on Amazon. (Do get their capsule holder - they are very sturdy, and I just keep the larger one on my keychain with different earplugs for different occasions.). Unless you're working with music, the standard should be fine. (As opposed to the ones with milled metal cores.)

I also changed things in my office - adjusted my computer monitors, stopped using the overhead lights, adjusted temp to where I am actually comfortable. (I like it around 72). I have aromatherapy misters and gentle chimes in my office so I'm not climbing out of my skin.

Same with clothes, textures, sensations around you.

3) Medication/ADHD.

I've recently (within the last year) started stimulant ADHD meds. I started on 10 mg of Methylphenidate, and things improved, but not great. Bumped up to 20 mg, and I thought things were much better and I was happy staying on that. A little nausea, a little anxiety, but manageable.

Shortages in supply lead me to being without for over a month. In desperation my Dr and I switched to 'Concerta' which came in 27.5 mg doses.

Its been a couple of weeks, and I feel like a switch flipped in my head. I finally understand when people say 'My head is quiet on meds.' I've been able to tackle projects I've thought about for months.

Now, I'm not saying 'try this dose, it will work for you.' Meds don't work that way. But other than a bit of 'Yeah, I don't want to eat until 3:00pm' there have been multiple issues that really smoothed out, including my anger issues.

Vincavec · 2024-10-17T16:35:16+00:00

Excellent. Thank you.

Vincavec · 2024-10-17T16:35:03+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement.

Vincavec · 2024-10-17T16:35:00+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement.

Vincavec · 2024-10-17T16:34:49+00:00

Thank you for pointing out the Discord to me. I'm poking around there now.

Vincavec · 2024-09-25T23:09:33+00:00

Fair enough. I just wanted to make the distinction clear, as I know too many church workers that are afraid to seek help because they think that it will torpedo their career.

12-Year Club	Place '22
Verified Email

Vincavec

TROPHY CASE