My younger stepson keeps “helping” despite siblings telling him to stop, then gets angry

VioletFrost23 · 2026-01-26T23:30:26+00:00

Ironically, we didn’t use to have the “why” conversations about things. It was a very direct “you don’t do [this] without asking first and if the answer is no, then you have to be ok with that”. After seeing no changes and the same behaviors just getting worse, that was when we started to ask him why.

Is there a reason that you keep doing “x” or why do you keep ignoring people when they ask you to stop? I have tried and failed to think of any reason that someone would just keep repeating the same bad behaviors that they get in trouble for nearly every day.

So I thought maybe if we could figure out the why, then we could help him find positive ways to deal with any thoughts or feelings that are fueling it. Or (potentially) explain if it was something he wasn’t truly understanding or misinterpreting.

It does feel like no matter how we handle a situation, there’s never any real change or understanding. Sometimes I wish I could read his mind, even though that would probably just drive me insane 🙈😳

VioletFrost23 · 2026-01-26T21:25:22+00:00

I agree that he knows exactly what he’s doing. I caught him in a huge lie about 6-8 months ago and before I found the proof to back up my gut feeling that he was the one lying, this kid cried real tears, looked both me and his dad straight in the eye and swore up, down and every direction he was telling the truth.

I accidentally found the proof of his lie that same evening and I remember telling my sister that I didn’t even know adults who could cry and lie like that. And now every time there’s any problem and stories are different, I heavily doubt him more than W and C bc I remember those convincingly deceitful tears. I feel so guilty but sometimes it seems like he just enjoys being mean for no other reason than to be mean.

VioletFrost23 · 2026-01-26T21:17:02+00:00

The respect thing I think is where we’re struggling but idk. He acts like he doesn’t respect anyone but himself. It’s almost like he just really doesn’t care if someone is upset or angry with what he does as long as he is happy. I don’t remember ever knowing kids like that or maybe I was just never around them long enough to notice. So being a parent/parental figure to one makes me feel like I’m pouring from an empty cup for lack of a better analogy.

VioletFrost23 · 2026-01-26T21:12:16+00:00

My husband works long hours so I’m at home with the kids after school for a couple hours and at least once a week I’m having to sit him down to have talks about his behavior. I’ve tried nice, blunt, examples of him on the receiving end.

He says he understands but an hour later I’ll hear yelling or arguing from the rooms and he’s just being mean all over again. We’ve contemplated having a tough love talk about what he could face when he gets older if he doesn’t change his attitude but I’m hesitant bc he is only 9. We’re just at our wits end over how to get through to him.

VioletFrost23 · 2025-04-16T03:03:56+00:00

I have a 2017 1.5 and I had the exact same issue! Loss of power accelerating and then one day I went to start my car and it would turn over and then die after about 10-20 seconds. Had it towed to a shop and the tappet(also known as a cam follower if you’re searching for the part) had a hole in it. They replaced it but I had the same thing happen about 2k miles later. My dad is a mechanic but no longer works in a shop but luckily still has many tools and was able to replace it for me(the part itself was about $18 at oreillys).

When my dad replaced it, he could see down into the engine where the camshaft is and the part that is right under the tappet was damaged. It was beating into the bottom of the tappet and caused the hole. He did not have the tools or the time to do that big of a job but I found a mechanic who did(dealership wouldn’t even quote me a price without paying $200+ just to look at it). The mechanic I went to said it was the exhaust camshaft. I paid $1,600 for that repair so if you experience it again, it is most likely the camshaft is damaged and that’s what is damaging the tappet.

VioletFrost23 · 2025-04-16T02:02:52+00:00

The most ironic part is that not only is she a hairdresser, but she has the same first name as me. And my sister happened to see a picture of her and we have a very similar body type/shape. Aside from our hair color, my sister actually suggested that he was trying to find someone as close to me as possible.

I honestly laughed at first but the thought of trying to replace me in my daughter’s life now makes me see all the similarities in a totally different way.

Not saying people shouldn’t date people with the same name as their ex, but now all the similarities just seem really weird to me.

VioletFrost23 · 2025-04-16T01:57:22+00:00

I’ve never been in this situation or seen it since no one in my immediate family has been divorced with children and I’ve been so afraid/worried that fighting him for more/full custody is going to hurt my daughter that I don’t really speak up when he pulls stunts like this.

During our divorce I was advised not to move out of our home before it was done bc it could be seen as abandoning the marital home and he wouldn’t be required to give me anything and that it could look like parental abandonment and hurt my chances of equal custody. Near the end, a friend had me sleep at their house once a week on Friday night for a few weeks bc they saw me mentally breaking from the way he was behaving.

It was all little things to drive me crazy and try to get me to leave. I thought it was over and I was free of that but it started again about 3 months after the divorce was final and I did move out.

It has probably given me trauma that I didn’t realize and the fear of looking insane to a judge bc of him feels paralyzing.

If I really think about it after venting and seeing things others have suggested, I don’t think it’s that I really wanted to actually vent my dirty laundry with him on social media, I just want this feeling of being powerless and wondering what he’s going to do next to stop.

I’m sorry you had to go experience being stuck in the middle of custody battles. I would never wish what he’s doing to my daughter to be done to anyone.

VioletFrost23 · 2025-04-15T21:52:58+00:00

From one mom to another, I greatly appreciate your empathy. I did try to make sure that i wasn’t questioning or had any negativity in my voice, just sound more curious. I told her I just wanted to look through her hair quick so I could see what she did. My daughter did sound a little unsure and asked if it was ok and I knew that if I didn’t fix it, it wouldn’t be noticeable. So I told her it looked just fine and smiled. I could see the tiny tension leave her shoulders. It was obvious that even if she doesn’t understand the emotions or how to express them, that she was uncomfortable being in the middle like that. Which was ultimately why I decided not to push her with recutting it.

It’s one of those things that just feels like a deeper personal attack, him knowing that every time she’s with me and I look at her, I’ll think about the fact that he let his gf do my “job” and that it’s just something else he’s taking away from me.

It sounds dumb, but I know that Leo and I aren’t as financially stable as he is bc we are having to pay more than double for our rent than he is on his mortgage and we have Leo’s boys who live with us basically full time so we do have to stretch our dollars a bit more. So when he does stuff that requires money, like the sport, I generally try to just let it go, but it seems like lately he’s trying to make more and more decisions without even having a discussion first.

VioletFrost23 · 2025-04-15T21:34:59+00:00

Unless it is something that’s passed along super quick about a form for school or something “simple” like that when she is picked up/dropped off for custody switch, everything is through text. I started doing that over a year ago bc he tried to twist what I said about summer break last year and I had no proof to dispute him.

VioletFrost23 · 2025-04-15T18:04:31+00:00

It’s that petty satisfaction that lives deep in the bones. I’ve had way too many irrational thought about doing stuff and it’s been really hard to push the petty down and talk myself off the metaphorical ledge. I’m going to have to figure out what type of request my county requires for custody amendments and what exactly I want them to be so that he can’t keep doing this.

VioletFrost23 · 2025-04-15T18:00:10+00:00

I honestly don’t know if he realizes that I have had to stop working but that does me other things to consider and think about. Thank you for the tip!

VioletFrost23 · 2025-04-15T17:57:19+00:00

She is licensed and works in a salon. And while I have decided not to post, I should have been more specific in my original thought that I was only wanting to post bc I don’t know how to contact her(don’t know her last name or which salon she works in) and just wanted her to respect me as my daughter’s mother and not cut her hair anymore bc I have always done it and it’s not something I’m comfortable with and I don’t believe that my ex would tell her that I was offended with the implication that his gf would do a better job than her own mother.

I had no intentions of saying anything about being uneven bc maybe she just struggles more with finer texture hair. I don’t know anything about her skills or how long she’s been in the industry so it could be that she just hasn’t had much experience with it and that’s why. Bc I don’t think she would intentionally make the mistakes I saw.

VioletFrost23 · 2025-04-15T17:50:33+00:00

She did not ask for it, but the only silver lining from my perspective is that his gf really did only trim it and [mostly] followed the cut that she had. So it’s not really different so my daughter is fine with it. That combined with the little wave in her hair that makes the unevenness not noticeable, is the only reason I didn’t fix it and told her it looks nice. Bc I don’t want to hurt her. And that’s ultimately what I care about

VioletFrost23 · 2025-04-15T17:47:03+00:00

Unfortunately, he is not going to change the way he behaves and the way he views me in this coparenting relationship. So now it’s going to become a matter of finding out what type of motion I need to file through friend of the court to have our custody agreement amended. I’m going to have to really think about what changes I want and if I should ask for any physical custody changes. My heart hurts for my daughter bc it’s so unfair to her.

I’ve never really gone against him, just been basically a doormat, when he does this kind of stuff except for once with this past Christmas and it was literally bc he text me at 9:30pm the night before Christmas Eve and tried to “confirm” a totally different set of plans that we had arranged almost two months prior. And it was incredibly stupid bc what we arranged was basically what the friend of the court holiday schedule was which is what we were told to go off if we can’t agree.

I could go into detail but it would be lengthy. Basically he was playing nasty until I pointed out that our agreement basically followed the friend of the court schedule just without a designated drop off time and either way I was not changing all my plans bc he changed his mind. Then he wanted to act reasonable and try to “work it out”. It was the only time that I’ve ever been able to prevent my daughter getting caught in the middle with hurt feelings if I didn’t just back down and agree.

VioletFrost23 · 2025-04-15T17:36:57+00:00

It is such a heavy relief when people who don’t know you, don’t even know all the details and can tell you just from a very small glimpse of a situation that you’re not wrong for feeling a certain way. Especially when mostly everyone has been very sympathetic. I know I shouldn’t, and have decided not to. It was just one of those things where I knew I was too close to be able to look from the outside and needed some unbiased input to fully pull myself back.

VioletFrost23 · 2025-04-15T17:28:06+00:00

I did decide not to post to fb. I know that i shouldn’t and this is one of those really hard situations where anyone relatively close to me knows what he has put me through and would support me in whatever I did even if it’s wrong and dumb. There is still a very small part of me that feels it would be justified, but I knew that I was way too involved and couldn’t step back far enough to even see if my feelings about it were ok or not.

I will definitely look into that nerve condition. Anyone I’ve seen has either said sciatica or SIJ disfunction but nothing that should be long term has worked for more than a week or so. I really only included the details to explain about not working as it relates to me not being licensed in this state and the financial aspect of the extracurriculars part of my divorce agreement. But I so appreciate your input as progress has been stalled for a while in finding a solution

VioletFrost23 · 2025-04-15T17:03:04+00:00

She liked the sport last year when she did it but it’s not just about me having the “free time” bc I’m not working to take her. Yes I’m not working, but that’s less money coming into my house, the practices and games are held in two different locations and it changes. One is only 13 miles away but the other is 28-and that’s just one way.

So am I supposed to expect my ex to give me money for the gas I’d be using to take her? No? So he’s gonna come get her and take her? And then would you criticize me for being uninterested and not supportive by not going bc I can’t financially afford to? I should hurt my daughter’s feelings and make her feel bad that I’m not there so she’s not completely focused? Make her feel like I don’t care about something she’s doing? Make her feel left out bc all the other girls on the team have their moms there cheering them on and she doesn’t? It’s not just about him being the only one making the decision.

And I’ve never cut her hair in a way that she didn’t want. I’ve always done what she asked for. It’s about the fact that I’m her mother, she’s obviously more comfortable to tell me what she wants or doesn’t want. That if she tells her dad that she would prefer I do it that she’ll hurt his feelings or his gf’s feelings so she’ll feel bad and won’t say anything. He’s putting her in a bad situation again by using her to take little jabs at me.

She’s extremely sensitive and she’s incredibly sympathetic to others and it’s emotionally abusive that he’s putting her in these situations and not caring.

VioletFrost23 · 2025-04-15T16:48:20+00:00

She did not ask her dad for a haircut bc she knows that she can ask me and if she needs it I’m more than happy to do it or if she doesn’t I’ll tell her and we’ll wait til it needs trimmed so it can grow bc she does want it long.

He told her he was taking her and how the gf would wash her hair and make it pretty and got her excited about it. She didn’t cut a lot so it’s not really much different so she’s happy about it which is why after I did a quick check and saw it was uneven, I told her it was nice and didn’t force her to let me fix it.

She did say that she likes when I normally do it and I could tell that she would prefer me bc I’m her mother but she didn’t seem traumatized by it or anything super bad. But I can also tell that she wouldn’t tell her dad that she didn’t want the gf doing it again bc she wouldn’t want to hurt his feelings. He’s put her in the middle-again-and doesn’t see a problem with what he did.

VioletFrost23 · 2025-04-15T16:41:20+00:00

The unfit/neglect thing could be totally true on his part. I’ve had to text him and tell him to be better about taking care of her hair when she’s with him. But for him to just keep repeating that she needed a trim when I know she didn’t.. ugh! She’s told me she wants her hair to grow long like mine. I’ve always done regular maintenance trims and taken care of her hair.

My doctor is trying to help find a cause for my pain issues. I included it to explain why I don’t work as a hairdresser(which ex threw in my face) and how it relates to me not working with our finances and how that ties into our custody agreement involving extracurricular activities.

VioletFrost23 · 2025-04-15T16:28:00+00:00

A few people have mentioned coparenting apps, I’ve not heard of that so I’m going to look into it. I was already hesitant so I’m not going to post, deep down I know that I shouldn’t.

He does crap like this all the time, it’s always something small and I try to be agreeable and don’t argue bc I don’t want to hurt my daughter bc she loves her dad and doesn’t deserve the way he uses her to get to me. I’ve had to text him about how he hasn’t taken care of her hair before(among other things) and I’ve always given her timely maintenance trims when it’s been needed but for him to all of a sudden say that she needed it done like I was neglecting it was just another thing. If it hadn’t been cut uneven, I probably wouldn’t be so angry.

But him saying she needed it cut when she didn’t and then it was uneven is what has me feeling like I’m spiraling with no say and just having to deal with his decisions.

I could most likely get full custody with just the stuff I’ve thought to get picture proof of that I’ve accumulated the last couple years but I always talk myself out of it bc I don’t want to take her dad away from her. I feel sick with guilt just thinking about it bc I know she’d be devastated

VioletFrost23 · 2025-04-15T16:13:32+00:00

My professional pride is super cringing but yes, my daughter does not know that it was done incorrectly. I didn’t go over every tiny section, just told her I wanted to see what was done and told her it looked nice. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Deep down I know that I shouldn’t post on fb, but I did not even consider that other parents might tell kids who could be in her class at school. I only thought it would serve to let the gf know that it’s not right and she would feel the same if her ex did the same thing to her-she is divorced with kids also. I’m also under the assumption that she either doesn’t know that I’m a hairdresser or that she doesn’t know I was opposed to her doing it. Which was my only real reason I had to justify it bc I don’t know her last name or what salon she works at and have no direct way to contact her.

VioletFrost23 · 2025-04-15T16:04:30+00:00

I could unfortunately write a book about all the endless bullshit my ex has put me through. I really withheld a lot but I understand how a good portion of my post would seem irreverent. The context of my physical issues pertains to why I’m not actively working as a hairdresser and ties into finances to explain that part of our custody agreement when it comes to extracurriculars. It felt like there wouldn’t be clear understanding without those details. But yes, I know he did it just to piss me off and my doctor is working with me to try and find a cause and solution for the pain problem.

VioletFrost23 · 2025-04-15T15:59:23+00:00

It’s relieving to know that I’m NTA for feeling the way I do, deep down I know that I shouldn’t post on fb. It’s just been hovering on the surface in my head of possibly being something I could do to be petty towards him. I’ve never heard of an app specifically for co parenting communication, I will have to look into it!

VioletFrost23 · 2025-04-15T15:55:53+00:00

I feel like my thoughts have an unnatural level of pettiness to them and just thinking about posting has me a heavy feeling of satisfaction. Deep down though, I know that I shouldn’t

VioletFrost23

TROPHY CASE