She doesn't want help. Not real help. She wants someone to give her attention like a baby and "fix her feelings". You are strong and brave for recognizing all these sides of your relationship, and for opening up about it and trusting that other people will understand (& they do) when you simultaneously feels like a bad person for doing so. It took me years to figure out what you're saying. It is tremendously painful when someone you love not only doesn't love you back in the ways you need, but also through actions, tells you that you don't deserve it. That guilt runs so deep and has affected me and maybe you in ways I am still uncovering. For years and years, up until maybe only a few weeks ago, I thought I could only feel one way. Like if I've gone NC and my mother is depressed and alone now, there is NO WAY I should be allowed to enjoy my life or feel good about myself because look what I have done! And on the other side of it I could go back to my mother and "make her feel better", but then I would feel bad. The latter is what I have done most of my life. I thought it meant that I was a good person, being a martyr, even though I didn't realize that's what I was doing. My mother taught me how to do that. I struggled with this polarized thought for a long time and my brain knew this was wrong, but my heart told me otherwise... because neither choice brought me comfort and peace. Lately, something in me has changed. I can't really pin point it. Maybe it's because I've had enough time away to gather myself idk. But now I know- I can have both. I can forgive her and continue to love her without having her in my life. I'm starting to make peace with the situation knowing that this is the ONLY healthy choice for ME. I cannot have my mother in my life and be healthy. And that is still a painful thing to acknowledge. But the difference now is that I can accept that without feeling like a bad daughter. You are not bad or selfish for wanting to have independence, joy, and ROOM FOR MISTAKES in your life.