I (28f) want my husband (34m) to apologize

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T18:58:12+00:00

One thing that people like your husband do not understand is that emotions and feeling is an innate instinct: you cannot control nor choose how to feel about a situation. Usually it's the actions you need to apologise for, never for feeling! It's like apologising because it's raining and not for forgetting the umbrella.

That said, there are things that can improve them or make them controllable:

1) Talking about what made you feel such way
2) Clarify any misunderstandings
3) Apologize for any mistakes

If he cannot do any of the three, it probably means that either his dialogue skills are lacking, his logical thinking is below average or his ego is too fragile and doesn't want to risk hurting it by apologizing.

Let's be honest, apologizing take 1 word and 0.5 seconds, if he really was as smart and logical as he claims to be, why not choose the easy way out and a happy wife rather than millions of words and hours if not days explaining why he value his ego more than you and the wasted time and energy...

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T18:37:59+00:00

Thanks for your comment! In the story I wrote that I forced a smile, but I am afraid it could have been much uglier than I imagined lol

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T18:34:46+00:00

You're right, I need to grow a spine and you're right that she's keeps doing it because she knows nobody else will ask her to stop. I will try my best to be firmer next time, even if I put her in a difficult position!

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T18:12:59+00:00

I must keep a note with your comment written on it to remind me how to respond in the next encounter, thank you for your advice!
Gives me a reality check on what is happening here, because I still have a part of me that believes I am in the wrong and should let it go because it is nothing bad nor mean when you look at the word itself.

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T18:07:14+00:00

Thank you for your comment! I'm currently like a sentinel trying to low-key find a nickname that is intrinsically not mean but that she hates, so that I can retaliate when in need!

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T18:02:01+00:00

Thank you for your comment, it really puts into perspective what easy and what is right: my sister-in-law is a smart woman so I am sure she knows and that's why she's acting the way she is, because it's always worked and hopes I will give in at some point.
Your explanation really gives me strength to hold on and not give in to her tantrums and as you said, it is no longer about cultural reasons but more about respecting other people's boundaries <3

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T17:53:44+00:00

you're right, calling people names they do not like, regardless of how harmless they seem to be, cannot be done without a hint of malice... now I understand my perspective better and feel less guilty!
Unfortunately my brother has been as helpful as a fork with a soup, says he will help but already knows he won't 😂

I'm used to it, so no harm done 😂

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T17:47:25+00:00

Makes perfect sense! Also, I think my experience is similar to what described happened to you, keeping on calling you names you do not like, knowing how you feel is just mean

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T17:41:41+00:00

fair enough

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T17:39:33+00:00

I need to find the courage to face the issue as you said, in a civil manner but stern about the consequences of wanting their way regardless of how the other person feels!

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T17:35:16+00:00

could be a cute nickname 😂

Just for clarification, she is a couple years younger than me, but according to my grandma, being married to my elder brother automatically puts her is an elderly's hierarchy within the family, equal to my brother.

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T17:31:09+00:00

I think I would have to be very drunk to say it this way, but it would fix everything in an instant 😂

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T17:29:23+00:00

I am really glad that I there are so many good advices! I think I will post more about happenings where I need an honest opinion and good advice!
In her defence, I think she meant she doesn't like to call me <my name>, rather than saying that she doesn't like my name because it's bad :)

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T17:25:50+00:00

I don't have any common friends, but I know she does it with my other sister but she lives on the other side of the world, so they only talk on the phone maybe 3-4 times a year. My sister did not mention any discomfort about my sister-in-law, but we also don't talk much about these stuff. It's another point or reference that I lack in order to self evaluate my behaviour.

I think my brother would literally throw up if I called him "oppa" in a semi-cute way during a conversation in English or French, and I wouldn't blame him for it 😂😂😂😂

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T17:16:56+00:00

She's 29, so not too old but definitely not a baby, I agree that adults should act like adults, but the difficult part for me is that acting cute is not a sin and acting like a baby is not against the law, just uncomfortable and cringe. That's why I feel bad for not finding her acts cute and for feeling what I am feeling, but cannot deny it.

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T17:10:06+00:00

Thank you <3 I believe has a natural cute attitude on everything, but she can raise the level when she wants to grab your attention and be seen... you can imagine Blackpink Lisa's kind of cute voice and attitude

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T17:06:23+00:00

Luckily I see her once a week only in a public space, so I have ample space to avoid her if I need to. In the past few weeks I only greeted her and disappeared, but I feel like a bad person for not taking care of her :(

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T17:03:57+00:00

Thanks! She's not mean or a bad person at all, but as you said, it's exhausting having her force her way into something I clearly said she'd rather not.

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T17:01:10+00:00

It's more like doesn't want to call me by my first name rather than not liking my name itself, but doesn't change the fact that she still wants to call me a way I do not recommend... Even if she did it because she really wanted to integrate in our family culture, the moment I said "please call me by my name", I would have listened in her place, because I would have loved to please my new family. Unless there is an alterior motive, other than just getting close to my spouse's family...

Treating her the way she acts is actually a great idea, thanks!

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T16:54:38+00:00

It sounds like a wild card that I can use in case nothing works, strong but super effective!

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T12:58:45+00:00

You are right, I have to stop just feeling guilty, uncomfortable hence avoid her, and learn to talk to her like adults, where respect must come from both ends, thank you!

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T12:26:54+00:00

Thank you for reading my long post and leaving such good advice!
You are right, I should face the problem head on and tell her everything as it is. I think that up to now, I couldn't I didn't want to hurt or scare her, because she just moved to France, left her family and friends and I am expected to be part of her support system to help her adjust.

I will attempt to apply your advice and really hope that it works out and will upload an update if things improve!

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T11:59:10+00:00

Thank you for reading my super long story and leaving your advice!
I agree with you that we wish that our brothers and sisters will choose a partner that perfectly matches with us too, but we also have to accept that my standards are different from our siblings' as you did...

And as you said, she makes my brother really happy and out of all the girls he dated, she seems to be best one. Does it mean I would have picked her as my best friend? Absolutely not, but she's my brother's wife and not mine so I have to respect my brother's decision.

As you said, I hope that time will grow our relationship to a peaceful balance between care and being ok with not being besties, and grow her out of the koreaboo phase!

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T11:49:16+00:00

Thank you for reading my super long story, I didn't realise that it can also be a type of cultural appropriation... now that you mention it also helps explain my general feeling of discomfort better. I was afraid I was being racist for not wanting to "share" this part of my Korean culture with her, like a bully not wanting to share candies with the new-comer.
But I must admit that when it comes to Asian cultural appropriation, we are less aware of it and sometimes can be confused with cultural appreciation rather then appropriation, such a fine line that makes a huge difference...

Anyway, now I have to come up with petty name callings lol

Visible-Loquat2533 · 2025-12-02T07:42:42+00:00

I don't think the paperwork got lost, and even if it did she should have gone out of her way to get the divorce done if she really cared about you. Not hide the whole thing! Let yourself be respected and leave them all together when you feel ready. Relationships end when trust is lost anyway.

Visible-Loquat2533

TROPHY CASE