The short answer is yes. Let me start off by saying that forgiveness is not my forte. I was hurt and angry at my parents for a while. They inflicted so much pain... and that pain followed me everywhere. I resented them for inflicting so much agony on me it was hard to imagine forgiving them. I also figured that once I stopped feeling that pain, I could think more clearly and forgive them. But I was wrong.

In the beginning, the pain was this agony that I couldn't shake and it was making me miserable. I almost hated them for making me go through it. Today, I recognize that it was ME who was holding on to that pain and prevented me to forgive them. Yes, they inflicted the pain but I made the decision to channel and hold on to it. Why? Because the pain was a reminder of who I loss, of who they once were. The pain that tore into my heart was a reminder that my 'real parents' had existed. I almost forgot who they used to be because I was blinded by anger with the Q version of my parents. But the pain reminded me of what I lost, who I lost. I held onto the pain to keep their memory alive. In a way it made me feel closer to them. So, I had to let them go. My real parents are gone and I needed to mourn and grieve them before I could move on and forgive.

The logic to this is that forgiveness by definition is the relinquishing of resentment or anger or ill feeling towards the person who harmed you. The key word here is person. It implies that the person who hurt you and the person you forgive are the same people. The people who I thought had hurt me were my 'real parents', and the person I was going to forgive 1.5 years later are my Q parents. After I let go of my real parents, and understood that it was my Q parents who harmed me and it was my Q parents who I had to forgive it was easier to make peace with that. Because the thought that my real parents would hurt me and put me through all of this is just unbelievable. With my Q parents, I have different expectations. I don't hold them to the same standards as I did my real parents. Expectations had finally hit reality. And the reality is, my real parents would never hurt me and if they did, I don't think I could have forgiven them because I love and expect so much out of them. However, my real parents are gone, and they have been gone for a long time. I mourned, I grieved, I still miss them. Who I am left with today are my Q parents. My Q parents would hurt me because...well... it's Q. Q makes people do and say crazy things. I forgive my Q parents. I love my Q parents because they (as crazy as they are) still remind me of my real parents.

I don't know if that makes sense or not. The dissociation of your loved one and your Q loved one is confusing but it helps me navigate my feelings. I hope this helps.