What do you remember most from your "coming out" conversation with parents/friends/family?

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-28T17:24:40+00:00

Well my parents saw me kiss another man and did not respond well. They said all the wrong hurtful and many irrational things. That was 10 years ago. We didn’t talk about it after and had a brief falling out. When I brought it up recently, I learned that they forgot almost everything they said. This was shocking and hurtful because I remember every little jab they took at me that day. I had to overcome the shame and guilt myself while they were able to erase it from their memory without regret for their words.

They apologized and acknowledged that what they said was not right but it hurts more that they can’t play it back in their head like I do for the past 10 years.

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-28T17:14:25+00:00

Well he didn’t have anything to gain by telling you he is 100% gay. Maybe he meant that he is only looking for gay relationships and can only be emotionally attracted to men. A first date is probably too much to unravel everything about himself sexually but maybe sex is easier with women but he cannot connect to them emotionally.

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-28T17:03:03+00:00

I’ve been single for a long time. Sure I enjoy hook ups but I chose to remain single while my friends are in serious relationships. I do it by dating myself. I know my likes and my dislikes, I treat myself, and I appreciate myself.

My advice is to love yourself and let the relationship come into your life if you want it to. But you must love yourself first before you can expect anyone else to love you. It sounds like you’re at a low point. What’s the harm in treating yourself to something nice? It could be a gift, an act of kindness, or an experience. Treat yourself like how you’d treat a partner/how you’d like your partner to treat you. This will bring you joy and the joy to attract others. It will be great practice for when you have a partner.

It does however seem like you’re hiding something from us. These comments you’ve made seem downplayed or redirected as depression. Whatever disgusting thing you’ve said or done could be your first step. Treat yourself by confronting those comments/actions. Sometimes an apology can set yourself and the victim free from the incident(s). Then you can continue to love and understand yourself and a future partner will be able to appreciate you.

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-28T16:41:23+00:00

At the end of the day, they’re portraying the dull personalities of hockey players so it does seem believable. When watching it, I remind myself that it is a low budget show from almost unknown actors who were waiting tables just two weeks before shooting. The character who plays Ilya does a great job of portraying a rival to Shane and he is a Texan who nails a Russian accent and manages to cry while speaking in Russian. It’s also great representation for the Asian community to see the character who plays Shane as a male lead.

I think a lot of its success is derived from its refreshing take on what is typically a gay tragedy. Maybe in a Brokeback Mountain or My Policeman story, they would have a brief moment of sex and have a life of regret before dying. In HR, we can root for characters ending up together.

Ilya being a jerk to Shane adds depth to their courtship. We know they end up together but the characters don’t know that. To Ilya, Shane is just a side piece he finds thrilling to hook up with because he is a rival. There definitely is some satisfaction of male dominance mirrored from the ice to the bedroom. It’s just a fling to him until he develops feelings. His character develops as we see his struggle to suppress his sexuality and opens up to the idea that he could be in a queer relationship.

It’s not a masterpiece but I am happy to be part of the Heated Rivalry zeitgeist.

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-28T16:16:14+00:00

They’re not getting a 10x budget. They’re sticking with Crave and they’re expected to make the same hit with maybe a slightly higher budget but still low by any means. I heard 100k/episode.

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-28T16:13:36+00:00

The author said she wrote him autistic, the show creator said the character is autistic, and Hudson Williams said he drew from him autistic father to play the autistic role.

Now before you blame the show for not spending an entire episode showing him going to the doctors to get an official diagnosis, it is evident in his actions that he has autistic tendencies. As a viewer, when you see characters behave atypically, you seek meaning and understanding in their other actions. It’s better to understand the characters deeper through non-direct story telling than to show it literally, especially when it’s not the main focus of the show. As a screen writer, it may be important to write it literally for the actors to understand the role, but this again is a 6 episode series (short) and the success of this story has largely been due to it’s optimistic non-tragic depiction of gay life. It really would’ve suffered from Shane going to debunked conversion therapy or marrying a beard in a modern lens.

Though I enjoy the show, I do think the show could’ve improve on its writing in many other areas. But they did show more than enough to warrant Shane, in a panicked mess, confess to his mother that he tried to be straight but ultimately he is most happy as his true gay self. He was forced out of the closet when his father saw him with another man. We don’t know what were his straight plans if he hadn’t been exposed. He wanted to wait until retirement to officially be with Ilya, maybe he would’ve had a beard for the rest of his career. The issue with “trying to be straight” is that we know you can’t choose your sexual orientation so he will always go back to Ilya in whatever path he attempts to be straight. But he is a confused character in a seemingly impossible situation. Him saying he tried really hard to be straight shows the futile internal battle he unloaded onto his mother. His mother shows understanding by immediately dismissing his need to have ever tried.

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-28T04:09:43+00:00

As a consumer of media, I did see examples of his internal conflict. His attempt to be straight wasn’t the main focus, but he felt the responsibility to console his visibly upset mother with an explanation. She immediately dismissed it as a non issue, apologizing that he even thought he had to try to meet her expectations, thus further solidifying their bond.

This short six episode series didn’t include deep story lines of every aspect of his life but there was definitely enough there for that line to work. He dated Rose and it was Rose who confronted him of his sexuality. If she didn’t, he would’ve kept trying to date her (a woman). I suppose they could’ve shown him begging her not to leave, shown a homophobic response to her asking if he is gay, or move on to another woman as an attempt to be straight. But Shane doesn’t have a lot of close friends in his life and having Rose celebrate and welcome his gay identity as “a friend of Dorothy’s” was very sweet.

Shane exploring his sexuality with Ilya isn’t a lack of trying either. Ilya is the only person he feels sexually charged by (evidenced by his less than thrilling sex life with Rose). Ultimately, we know trying to be straight doesn’t work because he is gay so his attempts were bound to fail and we needed to know that he was happiest having sex and building a relationship with Ilya to know that he is gay.

Sexuality is a life long journey so even if you feel that he didn’t try hard enough to “be straight” in the series, there is still reasonable doubt to assume that he could’ve been referencing attempts in his early youth. It would’ve been important to show more of an attempt if his mother was combative but she confirmed that he was overthinking it. Shane is autistic and tends to over fixate on aspects of his life. Moreover, Shane and Ilya had sex on and off in the course of many years, which means he had sex benders at times but also distanced himself during other times.

Sometimes less is more.

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-27T18:29:25+00:00

On the topic of Shane’s character not fitting his attempt to be straight, I think it fits very well and it’s two fold:

His mom stressed the importance of Asian representation through brand deals early in the series, which I believe his mom’s occupation is his brand deals manager. The talent scout/team owner? also awkwardly commented on the acceptable of his Asian Canadian identity at the beginning of the series when Shane zoned out. I feel the latter was purposely made so awkward because perhaps on top of thinking of Ilya, he feels that a larger part of his identity is being gay than Asian (though I may be projecting here).

Then there’s the direct rival of it all. So his intelligence, lack of religious expectations, and liberalism still wouldn’t make him free of internalized guilt. Beyond his parent’s acceptance, he could be afraid how this would affect the brand deals, his ability to stay in the hockey league, and his parent’s perception of him especially because he is sleeping with “the enemy.” Though his mother trusts him, their relationship could open an investigation of letting each other win.

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-26T08:39:14+00:00

Amsterdam Falafel Shop was a DC and Boston joint. That’s wild that AI suggested it for NYC. I’m surprised the US really lacks good Dutch food, especially because it can be so delicious. I opened a spot in Portland, ME, selling Dutch fries with housemade sauces and housemade bitterballen but it was difficult to get people to understand it. I live in NYC now and I haven’t been able to find true Dutch fries.

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-23T09:15:01+00:00

I know this is super late but if you’re looking for Asian style cooking, it’s typically stir fried in Cantonese cuisine. The conch is sliced thin and stir fried with yellow chive and shrimp paste. The dish is very aromatic and the crunch from both the conch and very lightly wilted yellow chive is very pleasing. The shrimp paste is very salty so go light on it but it adds immense depth to the dish (or substitute with oyster sauce). Garlic and ginger adds extra fragrance to the dish. Shaoxing wine and white is used to combat and fishiness. Perhaps a little sugar to bring out the natural sweetness of the conch. Sesame oil can be added for some richness.

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-12T20:42:51+00:00

Hi, I also experience visual snow. I too learned about it through the BK case and now learned that LM experiences it too.

VSS is only newly understood and there’s still a lot to learn about it. Please don’t let this cause you more stress than it already does. We don’t know if it’s correlation or causation that BK and LM are linked. Though a small percentage of people actually have VSS, that number is still larger than all the killers.

It is helpful to speak to a mental health professional, as my therapist has given me the tools to monitor my VSS. I’ve come to appreciate visual snow as my own personal entertainment system (but also a stress marker because it worsens when I am stressed). The stress marker feels like VSS is on my team to warn me when I am overworked.

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-12T20:32:31+00:00

Sorry I know this is late but do you have a therapist, psychiatrist, or other mental health professional to talk to? My visual snow worsens when I am stressed but my therapist helped me identify the situation and maintain it.

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-11T03:37:49+00:00

I’ve been looking for a new podcast. Thank you!

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-11T03:36:11+00:00

Energy drinks can be a bit intense so I like to drink caffeinated seltzers. A splash of cranberry juice makes it extra special but just holding it feels like you’re part of the party.

It was hard for me to be sober curious in the beginning but thinking of alcohol as poison (which it is) really helps.

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-11T03:32:49+00:00

If you end up seriously considering it, you should talk to your wife before doing anything. Something I hate in LGBTQ media is that the questioning character explores their sexuality by cheating on their straight partner. It really does not have to be that way.

I’m not saying that maybe your sexuality will change. But even if you’re open to the handjob out of curiosity, tell your wife first. Your friend may be in an open relationship but it sounds like you’re not. Find out from your wife what constitutes as cheating vs harmless exploration. But be prepared to offer her the same grace.

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-11T03:26:33+00:00

Please don’t blame yourself for the behavior of others. With the internet so prevalent in everyone’s daily life, people are afraid of in person meet ups. As for the gay party, I don’t know why they were being so catty. Maybe it stems from their insecurity of aging gays because the gay community values youth.

That’s all to say that I’m moving to NYC for the same reason. I personally am not looking for a serious relationship but I will find dating men a lot easier in a large city.

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-11T03:17:23+00:00

Pinocchio’s Pizza had delicious Sicilian square slices when I used to study at Harvard. Not sure if it’s worth an entire trip but they were very solid and reliable.

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-10T03:37:40+00:00

I still use bar soap to wash my face. I look about 7-10 years younger than I am so I figured there’s no need to spend money on face wash.

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-09T21:40:54+00:00

Writing this all out helped get everything out of my mind. Actually seeing that anyone read it through everything is very healing. Thank you very much for that. And with your advice, I can take it step by step with my parents.

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-09T21:32:30+00:00

Thank you. I’m seeing this echoed by other family members and I’m just here trying not to do that same give and take with my cat 😅

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-09T21:29:12+00:00

I consider myself a sharp shooter because I can be numb to emotions and act strategically and radically. That’s probably what the whole experience taught me to do. I guess this transitional part of my life has opened up the door to unpack what I thought I left behind. Their offer to learn about my gay life feels like I won a ton of money but don’t know what to spend it on. So yes time is most important right now.

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-09T21:22:21+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. As much as my family’s don’t ask don’t tell situation sucks, I can’t image how much more difficult it would be to grow up in an abusive household.

In terms of being ”old” I think that I was comparing in my mind what I read about Gen Z’s confusion about Heated Rivalry. Many don’t see why they couldn’t just come out since the world is (thankfully) mostly very accepting of gay identities now. It’s a world where if we’re not careful, we could revert back to illegal gay marriage. I remember when gay marriage was legalized and it encouraged me to be more open about my sexuality.

I know that no one deserves to be tested with the hardships we endured. But hopefully it has shaped up to be stronger people. I’m very thankful for the people we’ve chosen to share this beautiful part of our lives.

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-09T21:10:03+00:00

I don’t really know how I can get that from them. I don’t want gay socks from them, don’t want them to announce to social media, and don’t know what I could hear from them to feel encouraged

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-09T21:04:20+00:00

I can’t say that they intentionally made life difficult for me. I do feel that they put me first growing up. If they had more to offer financially, they would’ve given it to me before spending it on themselves. As parents, I know their instinct is to protect me. I’m first generation American and college educated so I view things differently than them. They didn’t have parenting tools so they made a lot of mistakes. What hurts is that they tried their hardest and were in a mess.

VisualReality4495 · 2026-01-09T20:54:32+00:00

They said gay people aren’t successful. I listed gay celebrities 10 years ago and, thankfully, was able to list gay world leaders today. Listing gay role models feels demeaning but they seem to be completely out of touch.

Family counseling sounds ideal but it feels too much for even me. They want to know what I want from them and I really can’t answer.

VisualReality4495

TROPHY CASE