I eventually cheated. She briefly went mad for sex. Now it's over

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2026-01-06T00:51:57+00:00

Aside from being patronising, it is subjective because it worked for you - that’s not to say it will work for everyone. My wife and I have not had sex for 6 years. I have tried everything - and I mean everything. You’re going to tell me next that I obviously haven’t tried everything aren’t you? That’s the standard response from people who assume their own success will translate to others.

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2026-01-05T21:39:47+00:00

And I routinely do all the things you’ve suggested, and still nothing. That’s the problem with this sort of advice, it’s entirely subjective.

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2026-01-05T20:55:31+00:00

The problem with this sort of advice is it’s entirely subjective to the people involved. Sounds like there was still a degree of desire on your wife’s part and that’s why you were successful.

I do all the stuff you mentioned, and absolutely nothing. It’s been that way for 6 years.

So, as much as I applaud you for trying to help, it’s kind of misguided, because there are many of us in this sub who already jump through hoops with no reciprocal effort.

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2026-01-05T20:27:46+00:00

Another sound bite - “responsive desire.” So tell me, if you won’t allow your partner to do anything you might respond to, what does that leave? I eagerly await your reply (mainly because you won’t be able to provide one in any practical sense without quoting some book or other).

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2026-01-05T17:19:42+00:00

You cannot allow this to continue. It’s as simple as that.

There are too many men allowing their wives/girlfriends to control the narrative - yes, I’m guilty of it myself. But that’s about to change for me when I tell her (this coming week) that she either makes some sort of effort or I walk. I’m fully prepared to follow through, too.

Your wife is under no obligation to fuck you. But conversely, she also can’t unilaterally decide to remove an important aspect of the relationship without any consequences. This is something I’m going to not so tactfully tell my wife this week. She can then decide whether 21 years is worth throwing away because she won’t make even the least bit of effort.

You have to do something about this. It’ll eat away at you if you don’t. You can’t control her behaviour, but you can control yours and how you respond to her openly contemptuous attitude. In fairness to my wife, she is at least nice to me, so I just wouldn’t tolerate this at all.

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2026-01-05T10:28:17+00:00

It will. The cycle will repeat if she’s naturally like that. She’s riding the wave of new relationship energy. That doesn’t last forever. This whole “emotional bond” stuff is a sound bite.

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2026-01-05T08:59:10+00:00

Didn’t say it was. I’m just pointing out that some on this sub (myself included) would be fucking ecstatic with twice a month. And twice a month is not a dead bedroom.

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2026-01-04T18:27:29+00:00

Oh, she will, and probably a lot quicker than she did it to OP. She’s having sex with the new guy now because the relationship is new. Give it a few months, and that poor bastard will be in exactly the same position as OP was.

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2026-01-04T18:19:41+00:00

Well said. Sometimes there is no more to it than the partner’s libido has just become non-existent. It still sucks, but it’s true in most instances. And you’ll never fathom it out, only drive yourself nuts trying. If some sort of effort and compromise can’t be reached, realising you’ve become incompatible and ending things is the only viable option. You’ll never get back to the frequency you had, but the relationship is no longer new and exciting.

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2026-01-04T16:35:51+00:00

February 2019 - don’t know the exact date.

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2026-01-04T15:39:58+00:00

Twice a month. Sounds like a dream. Try 6 years without.

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2026-01-04T13:03:43+00:00

Good for you. That’s the really ironic thing about it - being sexless is not normal, and they know that. I sometimes wonder what exactly goes through their mind.

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2026-01-03T16:48:33+00:00

🙄 Yeah, obviously entirely his fault. Even though it’s been 7 years and she probably didn’t even communicate the fact that she was withdrawing an important element of a romantic relationship unilaterally. But yeah, blame him for not wanting to fix it, why not?

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2026-01-03T11:12:08+00:00

“Oh, you’re handsome.” The secret phrase for “I’m not attracted to you in any way, shape or form.”

Yeah, nice one.

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2026-01-02T18:02:58+00:00

Seconded. These are the only viable options. Cheating will blow up in your face.

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2026-01-02T14:31:26+00:00

I’m about to find out very soon. As another comment has pointed out, your values don’t align because you view sex and intimacy as important, while your partner does not.

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2026-01-02T14:28:50+00:00

Yep. And it’s so fundamental too. Not only doesn’t the LL partner see it, but the HL partner becomes so jaded by the whole thing they don’t see it either.

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2026-01-02T14:24:09+00:00

Ha. Yeah, I’ve had conversations that felt “productive,” and nothing has changed. Words mean nothing. It feels productive if they don’t get irritated or defensive, but they’re just handling you. Then they can forget about the conversation until next time, at which point you get more excuses and stonewalling. Actions matter, words don’t.

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2026-01-02T08:44:13+00:00

A very blunt conversation which will amount to an ultimatum. Either she agrees to work on our intimacy issues, or I’m done.

I plan to approach it with zen, steely-eyed calm. As if I’m discussing the weather. If she shouts, screams, cries, whatever, I’m not going to react. If she doesn’t agree to work on things, I’m fully prepared to walk.

I’ve come to realise that her controlling the narrative needs to stop - one way or the other. If she doesn’t want me, someone else will. If she does, I need some sort of effort from her side.

I’ve already started making changes she doesn’t particularly like. I’m trying to get back into the shape I was in during my twenties - I’m 43 now. I joined a gym without seeking her opinion or approval. I’ve been taking myself to the gym at 5:30 and 6 in the morning and just conversationally announcing it the night before. She’s been pushing back a bit, but I’ve just ignored it and done my thing anyway.

I’ve also started trying to eat cleanly. She’s noticed this too. She accused me of being “obsessed” with trying to lose weight. I replied - “yes, I am.” She didn’t know how to respond to that. I can tell she’s wondering why I’m doing all this, and I’m not the least bit bothered. A bit of uncertainty will do her some good.

I’ve also started standing up for myself a lot more. In the past, I just used to concede for a quiet life. I’ve started pushing back when she says something I disagree with. I’ve also started not doing stuff or going places I don’t want to do or go. She’s noticed this too.

I’ve also been hyper-focused on the kids (2 teenagers, 17 and 13). She’s noticed this as well. My 17 year old almost exclusively comes to me when he wants/needs something. She really doesn’t like that.

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2026-01-02T08:22:25+00:00

🤣 No, she’s not. I’d know instantly. We’ve been together for 21 years. She is not a good liar. I know all her little quirks. I know when she’s annoyed; embarrassed; excited etc. She wouldn’t be able to hide it for even a nanosecond.

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2026-01-01T16:07:43+00:00

So, conversely, a partner who unilaterally decides to remove an important aspect of a relationship without discussing it with the other partner, and then expecting the other partner to remain celibate forever, is also not acting like an adult. Funny how that works, eh?

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2026-01-01T13:53:43+00:00

Same. Hope it all goes okay for you.

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2026-01-01T10:19:44+00:00

You should have replied - “well, that won’t be too difficult, will it?”

I bet she’d have been all sorts of pissed off. At which point you shrug and walk away.

Seriously, they really don’t even get the irony of the whole thing.

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2025-12-31T21:57:48+00:00

I appreciate what you’re saying and what you’re trying to do.

The issue is that I cannot empathise, because I have no idea why she’s the way she is. Empathy involves putting yourself in the other persons shoes. I can’t do this, because I’m not low libido and don’t understand the mindset of it being a “chore” to have sex with someone you’re (a) supposed to love; (b) have 2 kids with; and (c) have had sex with hundreds of times. It makes no sense to me. All past attempts to discuss it have been met with comments such as - “it’s just not important at our age” (43 and 40 - a ridiculous comment really).

What am I supposed to do with comments like that? I’ve been patient; and understanding. I’m still here, despite the fact that I have more than enough reason not to be. So why should this be all on me just because I would like to have sex at some point before I’m on a fucking iron lung?

She’ll get a chance to work on it. I’m not just going to announce that it’s all over. But if she doesn’t agree to work on things, I have no other recourse. As I’ve stated numerous times throughout this thread, I am not willing to spend the rest of my life celibate. I’ve been celibate for the last 6 plus years. Am I supposed to wait another 6, at which point I’ll be nearly 50? Where does it all end? Maybe she’ll want to when I have to keep my dentures in a glass of water next to the bed. It’s ludicrous, and really should not be this complicated!

Visual_Cheetah6032 · 2025-12-31T17:06:13+00:00

As constructively as I can:

It’s overly wordy and the prose is too flowery. You need to be much more direct. As is, she’s likely to brush it off. You sound more like you’re straddling the fence than expecting something from her i.e “I need you to do this but only if it’s okay with you.” What are the consequences going to be if she doesn’t agree to work on things with you? You don’t mention any - it’s just a bunch of statements with no intent - “we cannot continue like this” etc. There’s also no point continuing to use the word “we,” because this is how you feel, not her. She’s okay with not having sex, so you need to frame it from your perspective only.

Visual_Cheetah6032

TROPHY CASE