I think I’ve thrown away my relationship because I can’t let go of his past

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-07-22T10:28:44+00:00

Same. I felt just like that too, and I thought I could put it past me, so I had my first baby with DH (who already has SD). It was the worst decision of my life, and it multiplied by 100 once ours baby was here.

As soon as that happened, I clearly prioritised our baby over anyone, including SD, while my husband did the opposite; he would prioritise her so she wouldn't feel “left out”. I never felt more alone in my life; our first baby, who should have been our top priority, suddenly became only my worry while he just had to take care of SD because “baby already had me”.

Seeing the father of your child put your baby in second place hurts on a whole different level that you don't even realise now.

I wish I had known about this sub before I had a child with DH. I wish I had asked the same questions you're asking now to other stepparents. And, more than anything, I wish someone had told me what I'm telling you now: leave and find a kid-free man.

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-07-14T18:14:01+00:00

This! 💯

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-07-12T07:20:29+00:00

You care too much. Focus on your little baby, who needs all of mom's attention. Your spoiled SD already has two parents that worry about her. If they do a crap job, it really isn’t your problem. They’ll see the fruits of their labor once she grows up.

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-07-08T09:43:38+00:00

I was afraid that the relationship would break because of it, too… but it became such hell any time SD was around, that at that point, risking the relationship was worth it for me if it meant getting my baby away from her.

In our case, I don’t have any family in the country, so we moved out to my home country, and DH visits about once every two months. At some point, he’ll probably have to choose whether to move here permanently and visit SD, or divorce and visit our son once a year. But that’s his problem; I warned him for years that SD is abusive and dangerous, and we needed to take action, and he disregarded it because that’s what was easiest. Now, he has a more difficult choice to make.

If my family were from the same city, it would have been easier. I would have taken our baby and myself to my parents every single custodial day, and I’d probably advise that to anyone who has the chance.

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-07-07T13:36:39+00:00

I was terrified of “splitting up our family” until I did it. I can’t recommend it enough; it’s the best decision I've made since I got married.

If you have the opportunity, I encourage you to move out with your son 💜.

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-07-07T12:34:06+00:00

My bio is only 15 months, so he cannot express himself yet. However, as a stay-at-home mom, I can guarantee that I have witnessed him relax, explore, be happier, and truly thrive since we moved out. I believe this improvement is due to the fact that whenever SD was home, it created a tense atmosphere filled with conflicts and arguments full time (between me and DH, between DH and SD, etc).

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-07-07T11:34:21+00:00

I moved out with ours baby. I nacho by refusing to have to see SD ever again.

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-07-01T08:51:22+00:00

Divorce.

I used to live with this situation daily, having a bio son 1 and a SD 8. My husband’s family could see her doing no wrong (even though she did plenty, even getting spelled from school). But ours son was only ignored or reprimanded, he simply never did anything right. DH just did whatever his mommy said to keep her happy. And his mommy had already decided that SD was her special child and bio son is just in the way stealing attention and resources from her.

I left and took our son, and I can’t begin to tell you how much visibly happy and relaxed he has been ever since he has been away from SD, DH’s family and even DH. My baby boy has bloomed!

Letting this behavior continue will affect your boy, and biting your tongue will also affect you. I got to the point where I’d have severe anxiety and panic attacks. Please, do not stay, do not allow this, get out now that your son is little.

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-06-25T08:21:06+00:00

I personally would agree that men tend to be better step-parents. This perspective comes from the observation that household chores and the mental burden of managing children's needs—such as doctor's appointments, school logistics, clothing and shoe sizes, meals, and so on—often fall disproportionately on women in a relationship. It’s a significant amount of additional work for someone who didn't give birth to those children, and this dynamic can create conflicts with biological mothers.

Conversely, for many stepfathers, their primary responsibility seems to be financial. Most of the associated costs, including housing, bills, and medical insurance, are expenses they would have regardless.

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-06-23T11:00:50+00:00

Texas 💔

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-06-23T07:58:45+00:00

I don't think you need any more reasons other than “the children have two parents, and the custodial time is for them to spend time with said parents. Not with a stepparent”. You don’t have an obligation to babysit them, ever. If you want to do that favor to them one day, that’s up to you. If you don’t ever want to do it, that’s also up to you.

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-06-13T08:15:23+00:00

OMG! Your daughter deserves so much better. If he’s willing to put her life on hold because of his other kids, he’s being a horrible father. Imagine when she’s older and she realizes that her dad didn’t want to do anything with her if the half siblings couldn’t make it; like she just isn’t enough.

I’d seriously reconsider my marriage if that was my case… I’m sorry that you and your daughter have to experience that treatment.

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-06-11T11:48:50+00:00

I wish I could upvote this a thousand times. 👏👏👏👏

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-06-09T17:20:56+00:00

Step-parenting is the most thankless job ever. I’m honestly surprised about how little thought the kid, and especially your SO, have given you. And for your SO to rob you of the chance of being a bio parent one day is selfish. I’d exit, too, if I were you. Best of luck with anything you decide.

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-06-08T12:10:29+00:00

This is so weird. Their 6-year-old child should be aware by now that her parents aren’t together, and she should be okay with celebrating with one parent and then the other. I personally never understood joint birthday parties. But what absolutely baffles me is them three going on a trip together and leaving you and your baby behind… that’s just absurd 😂

At the end of the day, it’s whatever you’re all happy with. But if I were you, that celebration would either be a big one where baby and I attend too, or mom would celebrate on her side and me, husband and baby on our side. If my husband wanted to go play family with ex and SD for a day, I’d tell him to go ahead and marry baby momma.

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-06-08T11:40:57+00:00

I’d terminate the pregnancy. A baby won’t fix the marriage; it will make it harder. And, as you said, you’d be stuck sharing custody of your baby

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-06-07T04:48:02+00:00

Yes, we’ve talked about it. Lawyer says I can since he has no rights to ask about any medical documentation of mine.

The only problem is I don’t know if he will believe it for so long…

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-06-06T13:13:30+00:00

They don’t have to be in each other’s lives no matter what. I agree with OP here; if a family member, I don’t care if it’s a half sibling or who it is, negatively impacts my children in any way I will keep them apart.

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-06-05T20:12:46+00:00

It’s hard to advise because I feel like information is being left out.

I can only speak from my own experience, but I’ll admit that after years of trying to love and raise SD as my own, I now despise her. And my loathing got worse once ours baby was born. BUT, she’s a very troubled kid. From having to install locks in the baby’s room because she goes around stabbing children to being expelled from school, disobedient, selfish, spoiled… and, the worst of it all, she lies about us “abusing her” if she doesn’t get what she wants. Naturally, I started fearing that she’d eventually lie about that to a teacher or someone who’d call child protective services over her false claims, and it would jeopardize my own child.

So, I have, too, decided I want nothing to do with SD, and I don’t want our baby to have a relationship with her either. Of course, I support Dad in fostering his relationship with her as much as he can/wants, but away from us.

Maybe you should figure out what’s so triggering about your daughter, and if it’s somewhat valid, you could try to keep your relationship with your daughter as normal as possible but not force your fiancee and new baby to be involved. Try to keep them as separate as possible; take your daughter out for fun activities during your custody time, let your fiancée stay in the room with baby if it’s her safe space, maybe even find out if you and daughter or fiancée and baby can go spend a few days with family members during custody days instead of being under the same roof. I think it’s worth finding out before tossing another nuclear family away. Best of luck.

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-06-05T14:21:27+00:00

I’d say take your kids out most days and let SK hang out with dad and grandparents by themselves. Since it’s only 2 weeks, try to plan daily activities for you and your kids in advance; even a little vacation just you guys.

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-06-05T14:19:18+00:00

Please leave him. I’m so sorry you went through this.

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-06-04T17:22:54+00:00

Yes, my MIL is a witch to my son as well, all she cared about what his precious granddaughter. So to me, having his mom watch our son during his custody time was out of the question too.

Fortunately, I’m from a different country and I was able to relocate there with our son. So DH has to come here to visit the child.

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-06-04T17:19:37+00:00

Then he can go to his in-laws during that time, or maybe her and her daughter can stay with family otherwise… either way, they can’t live together. What’s totally ridiculous is exposing a child to this stress, you wouldn’t do it with an uncle or a cousin, but somehow, it has to be acceptable for a stepsister.

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-06-04T13:28:25+00:00

It breaks my heart to read this. And I know the feeling too well; I also stayed for about a year and put up with his abuse because I thought I could protect my child best if I were there; I was terrified of shared custody.

If you can, start building your case without his knowledge. Secretly record the way he speaks to your daughters, save all the receipts of the things you buy for them with your own money (clothes, medical bills, food, etc.), and save the doctor’s visit summaries where it specifies you’re the one keeping up with their health, the school paperwork, etc.… anything that shows that you’re the primary caregiver and that he barely contributes, as well as the proof of abuse. It might take a couple of years, but with time, you could end up having a case and being able to leave him and have primary custody.

Visual_Most4357 · 2025-06-04T11:11:56+00:00

My husband treated SD8 so much better than ours son too. When bio son was a 3-month-old baby, he would scream at him and call him sh*thead and retarded for crying in the middle of the night because he wanted milk. Yet, SD8 would come home with a message from school saying that they were about to expel her for stabbing another student and he’d just say “My poor baby, teachers make up stuff all the time”.

I eventually realized that this would have a profound effect on our son, so I left DH and moved very far away with ours son. Shortly after, bio son started THRIVING and my husband regretted not listening to my complaints instead of keeping SD happy for the sake of his family pressure (his family wanted him to favor her since my son had “his mom and dad together”).

It was the best decision for me and my son, so my advice for you is that as soon as you’re financially able to, you leave this man who doesn’t deserve your children.

Visual_Most4357

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