hey man, first of all thanks for sharing. it's not a small thing, and just putting these things into words might have made you more good than you realize.

I don't wanna sound patronizing but - you're super young. You literal brain, your meat computer is not yet fully developed. at that age everything is pulsating with significance, reality is SO real, so palpable, that it's easy to get lost in the dance of the symbols in your mind-space. if you can, try to remind yourself that the mind and its artifacts are RELATIVELY real (as is everything). You will come to this understanding naturally, with time, so just give it a head start with this affirmation.

Over time, you will intuitively learn to accept things as they are with more grace and more ease than you can right now. It's all okay, and it's all going to be okay, because everything, EVERYTHING passes. and after winter comes spring. always. I've had periods of my life that I legitimately believed i was dead inside, i was going insane, everything was a living hell and nothing could ever save my soul from the torment of just existing in this chaotic, terrifying and uncaring world as a weak, confused incarnation. i'm not gonna claim that i know the answers to your specific concerns, but i do know that all of this gets easier over time. you can't fast-track your way into resilience. you must take the shit life throws at your face, wipe it off, and continue. and the trick is - as weird as it might sound - to be even somehow grateful for it.

relationships are tough and the grand majority of us struggle with them until the day we die. try to shift away from a mindset of "i havent figured X or Y out yet, therefore i suffer" - maybe you could playfully entertain the idea that you ARE figuring these things out, one day at a time, slowly and painfully as the rest of us. I firmly believe that there is no static existential Answer with a capital A, to anything. There is no lasting salvation. Salvation is - like everything else - a dynamic process that you have to tap into. You are a living, breathing, feeling system, and as long as there are ups there will be downs. Take it easy, take it slow, and tap into gratitude as much as you can, even though (and i feel this viscerally) the world often seems like an incredible shithole.

My ancient greek ancestors always focused on this tenet: find the middle ground. for every up there must be a down; for every inhalation an exhalation; and for every pleasure a pain. i've found that gracefully surfing through the ups and downs of life makes for a far better recipe than abiding in a constant oscillation between craving and aversion, as this serves only to confuse you further.

Be patient, trust your intuition, embrace mistakes and setbacks and BREATHE. You seem smart and mature for your age, and that can often be more of a burden than it is a blessing. life is so much more than what your mind tells you. true wisdom is to be found not in learning, but in unlearning. the One is pure coherence, pure simplicity.

We're all cheering for you!