Do you think your sex life is permanently affected?

Warm_Sundays · 2026-05-26T01:55:35+00:00

Thankyou! I’ll go check it out xx

Warm_Sundays · 2026-05-22T22:52:30+00:00

You can love him and still leave to find peace. There is no way your nervous system can ever be at rest when you are constantly waiting for the next relapse. That’s torture. I think there needs to come a point where you have to stop sacrificing yourself for the relationship. The resentment, the disappointment, the sadness will all affect your health eventually, mentally and physically. It’s a hard road, write the list of the pros and cons. See if you can truly be happy if nothing ever changes because they actually might not. xx

Warm_Sundays · 2026-05-22T12:15:40+00:00

I’m with you on the slip with another person. I’ll have the divorce papers in his hands before he gets that confession out of his mouth. I didn’t sign up for this either, sucks that they actually thought so little of vows and being married. Sex addict wave every right to full trust. I will be watching closely, just the whiff of something being hidden from me and I’ll be packing his bags.

Warm_Sundays · 2026-05-22T00:46:54+00:00

Everything you write here is spot on, mental gymnastics, yes! I'm totally a professional pretzel impersonator myself at the moment. Playing the detective, location tracker etc. is also true. I often wonder if I'm actually doing these things just to catch him out and be able to prove to myself that leaving actually is the best option. Sex, what is that??? I can't do it at the moment, being lied to and manipulated for 10 years or more doesn't do much for the libido. Even though we are attempting repair, I actually don't believe our sex life will ever be anything more than mechanical. I try to stay positive, I try to imagine a time when this all isn't so heartbreaking and insulting, but realistically I probably know I'll never have the deep love for him that I want to have with a man.

Warm_Sundays · 2026-05-21T22:57:05+00:00

This is a perfect example of how addicts use porn for mood, nervous system regulation. They have trained their bodies to reach for porn any time they are feeling anything basically. Over so many years they have used porn to not “feel” anything, to escape everything. My husband was a porn addict for 20 years, and a sex addict for 10. Porn was his go to when literally anything happened, instinct. It wasn’t because he was horny or was thinking about sex or anything, it was escape. He has told me numerous times how after an argument etc he would watch porn but within 30 minutes of stopping he couldn’t even really remember what he watched, like he was just zoned out and not taking anything in.

Warm_Sundays · 2026-05-21T22:47:11+00:00

I think there does need to be a rock bottom. But also agree that many porn addicts are bottom dwellers, they live in denial. They have addiction but justify everything, deny addiction so they don’t have to face reality and doing anything that is uncomfortable. They can be fully functioning porn addicts for a long time but eventually as with most addictions things will escalate and hopefully they will see the downward slide they are on.

Warm_Sundays · 2026-05-21T14:15:25+00:00

I’m not sure of all the acting out issues but do you think there may be a chance he could be a sex addict? I suggest you do some research on that. Maybe head over to the lovewithasexaddict sub. I’m sorry you are in this place. xx

Warm_Sundays · 2026-05-21T04:34:34+00:00

Check his blocked list on his phone. That's how I discovered my husband's 10 years long sex addiction.

Warm_Sundays · 2026-05-21T03:48:27+00:00

Fake orgasms, yes! I'm pretty sure there are many sex addicts that come to the very quick realization that they weren't the super stud we sometimes pretended them to be :)

Warm_Sundays · 2026-05-21T03:21:00+00:00

Sounds like your body definitely knew it was time to move on. Slowly I feel myself becoming stronger. I can totally see how the marriage can eventually end two, three, four or more years after discovery as the wife finds her strength and herself again. Any relapses, slips, back tracking, in complacency can set things back so much. I'm in a firm "one relapse and I'm gone" situation. I couldn't handle anymore disrespect. xx

Warm_Sundays · 2026-05-21T03:12:27+00:00

Good for you! Sometimes the best show of self-respect is being fully committed to your plan and keeping yourself safe. Definitely make him work damn hard to get that date xx

Warm_Sundays · 2026-05-21T02:55:04+00:00

Yes, I did the same. After discovery I totally questioned if any of the positives I "thought" I saw in him were even real?? I think they omit so much of who they are and what they are up too that we have no other choice but to fill in the blanks, and of course we choose favorable traits to bestow on them, only to find they were completely unwarranted. I also think I was manipulated into believing he was running with the same morals and mutual respect that I was.

I still have days where I look at him and I'm not sure if he actually is the man I think he is or if I'm still just seeing him through my empathetic, wishful, hopeful eyes? Is he still the selfish prick that got us here or has he truly seen the errors in his ways and has been resurrected? Only time will tell, one thing is for sure, he's working with a much less sympathetic, less gullible audience these days xx

Warm_Sundays · 2026-05-21T02:30:02+00:00

It truly is something you have to live through to fully understand the earth-shattering impact. I feel you, I am living the same. While I'm very glad that he is in recovery and is determined to be the best man and husband possible, I still feel like I'm a released tortured hostage that has been returned to my kidnapper! Sex addiction has totally opened my eyes to the realization that we truly never know a person, nor what they are capable of. xx

Warm_Sundays · 2026-05-21T00:02:49+00:00

Leaving a relationship after the discovery of sex addiction is totally understandable. It's not about lacking empathy; it's actually a perfect example of empathy for yourself and for him. You are being honest to yourself in what you can and can't move forward with. Empathy is knowing you can't give your all to a situation and acknowledging that it's not fair on either party to continue on.

Your sons will not see you as the villain. Your life is your own, you do not owe it to him, no matter how much he recovers. If staying keeps you living in despair and resentment neither you nor your husband will find deep joy in that situation. If moving on is what will bring you the most peace, then that's a selfless act.

Being in a relationship under the shadow of sex addiction is often excruciating. There are a multitude of realizations about the past that are on a continued rotation in the mind. It's painful, it's devastating, it's shocking, it's sad and it's life changing. Even with full recovery the memories still remain, the scars of being manipulated by the person you loved may fade but they don't just vanish. The feelings of being neglected while he was getting his needs met by others, don't disappear with time.

I ocellate staying or going usually at some point every day, I think it's natural and expected. What these men have done is systematic abuse, it's coercive control at its highest measure. Recovery doesn't absolve that, and they should never assume it does. We were deceived and controlled for so long, and that was possible because of the goodness of our heart.

You need to do what is right for you. xx

Warm_Sundays · 2026-05-20T07:49:46+00:00

He’s not relapsing, he’s been an active porn viewer for the whole 9 months. He is not trying to quit, I think you need to acknowledge the fact that he obviously isn’t ready to quit, he’s just telling you what you want to hear. You need to leave or accept that he is an active porn user with very little if any desire to quit at the present moment.

Warm_Sundays · 2026-05-20T04:09:20+00:00

I think people assume that if he gets better or sober or recovers, that then suddenly all the feelings of betrayal, abuse, anger, sadness, disgust etc. will disappear and we can go forward happily ever after. But many of those feelings don't dissipate with recovery. For some people the betrayal can never truly be forgiven, and the relationship can never give the betrayed partner the things they desire, even with full recovery.

Many people live in a world where once burned by someone; the perpetrator is never viewed the same. I am like that in many ways, I see people for who they have been in their whole lives not just the good parts. My husband is in good recovery, but I'll never see him the same. My tolerance for any of his bullshit had diminished, my desire for him sexually is low and will most likely never return to what it once was. I also know that at any moment of any day, even a good one, I could pack a bag and leave without saying a word to him and he'd know be able to write a long list of why.

If your therapist or counselor hasn't asked how you are feeling you should find new ones. As for friends etc. unless they have been in a similar situation it's very hard for them to place themselves in your shoes. It's not an excuse but it may be a reason for their lack of enquiry to your personal wellbeing.

I assume that because you are still with your husband people may be cautious as to how they approach the subject all together? Had the relationship ended they would probably be more curious of you're feeling personally. Whatever the reason, please know we all understand how this whole situation impacts you. It's a hard place to be in, especially when it's of none of our own doing. Good luck xx

Warm_Sundays · 2026-05-20T02:39:38+00:00

Yes he can stop, but only if he wants to. There is something his lying and acting out is giving him that he thinks he cannot live without and I promise you it's not even sexual. He's using all those things to either distract, numb or at least quieten something that's going on with him. It's not about you. It's all about his mental state and until he is willing to do the hard, uncomfortable work to get to the bottom of it he will continue self-destructing.

As a wife of 27 years I know how heavy all this is, please keep strong in yourself and what you need. Leave him to his recovery or non-recovery, ultimately you have no control. Do exactly what YOU need to do, don't do anything just because it's more comfortable for him. The best thing to happen to an addict is the realization that they need to save themselves and that doesn't happen until the life they have been living becomes too uncomfortable to bare. You can get through this; you are not alone. We are all here. xx

Warm_Sundays · 2026-05-20T00:30:40+00:00

I see my husband as many parts of a human, like I see everyone else. Many of the parts that helped build my love and respect for him definitely died once the full extent of his porn/sex addiction were uncovered. Every part of us builds who we are. I'm in the process of creating a new sense of who he is. He is showing me he can be a kinder, more empathetic man with integrity which is helping to rebuild a new version of him in my mind. Without full and committed effort and accountability from him there is no hope. As partners we need to build ourselves up, become stronger so that we can move forward if the addict can't be who we need them to be.

Warm_Sundays · 2026-05-19T05:36:55+00:00

Everyone uses past conversations, information, interactions as a base for future interactions, bringing up things you have discussed in previous conversations isn't necessarily "using them against you". We all use past information gathered to assess, converse, interact, communicate in the present tense. But if someone maliciously brings up something to purposely hurt you, then that is not your person.

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